My Ah Mah

My great grandma.... she passed away on 1st november...

I was still sleeping  when the handphone rang. i was so pissed to answer the call cuz i slept very late the day before revising cytogenetic. I was like...arghh... my mom again... she just never stop... but when i answered the call, she sounded she had just cried. she told me that 'lou mah' passed away last night... i was shocked... What? then i ask why so sudden? There was no sign this time...is this for real? i tried to calm down as i don't wanna trigger my mom sadness... she cooled down already it seemed. I was so chocked up during the end of conversation...i wanted to cry... but i stopped as i don't wanna made my mom worry...


i overslept...i was supposed to wake up early to go library to continue my study...exam on 3.30pm...
so as planned, i went to bath with tears fighting hard not to shed, very much hold back so i don't scared my roomie... the lost, my 1st lost in the family seemed surreal...but, i was more worried with my mom's feeling... my mom cared so much for her as she is the only family that really love her. She took care of my mother since she was born, supported and watched her progress in life all thru the years... until, my mom married and gave birth to me, she was the one who gave her lessons on how to take care of the youngs, and so on....

A wonderful woman, a pure china breed... some one who had suffer much while she was young to make a living. Married to a pathethic man. When she finally reached the age to enjoy her old years, she diagnosed with stomach ulser. But with medicine, she controlled it well. A good cook and took good care of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. As years gone by, she was suddenly told she was a hepathethis B carrier... and her immune systems droped dramatically and got weaken day by day. Despite these few sickness, she was one strong woman.

But sadly, everyone turned their backs on this poor woman. Avoidance and ignorance took place. This is what happen when you are old, sick and fortuneless i supposed. All her childrens but her daughter do not wish to stay with her when she wanted so much to be with them. Standing on her point of view made my heart ached so badly. There were already few inciddent happened that could caused her life but she survived.  I really don't understand why would god wants her to suffer so much...how do you expect me to hav faith in you when you have been so cruel ...

During those period, i will always thought of her... wondering if she is being left out again and i just cant bear thinking of her feeling... such helping heart i have, yet i can't help my great grandma at all.... my mom who which to take care of her was totally helpless...

I heard from my mom that on the night she passed away, she was in pain. The ulcer caused her pain worsened and everyone in the old folks home knew it but us, the family members...death is a release to her and all the family members...esp her daughter... who never fail to fulfill her needs...

The death came too unexpected to me... i was in a state of holding back, shutting off my emotional self, and stay extremly focus in reading so that i don't think of her at all. At first i thought, it was an okay matter... her death was just a matter of time, but it really came at the wrong time. I actually care about it and she means alot to me. I was not able to see her for the last time, i cant be there for her when she was in pain and not even when she was receiving final goodbye from every family members.

I know she loves me...all the while she will asked my mom to take care of me and compliments never stop whenever she see me... she will be like... 'ah yang very pretty'...lol. She never pronounce my name correctly...such regret that i never learn hokkien...or else i could have communicate with her... now thinking back, i never really talk to her... what i always did was just smile to her, and i will ask my mom to be the translator...

i'm sorry ah mah... she can never make it to hear me speak hokkien and serve her good as her GGchild now...

i should have learn to appreciate the moments spent with her...

i can finally let my emotion flow as i write this down... i kept this too long that i fear i will never want to face the truth... i guess i don't even have time to cry. These few days, i really wished for someone who could talk to me, someone who could let me give in to my emotion and cry out for good... there was nobody...or did i keep it too well... i really don't noe who i can seek...infact, i have to take care of my mom feeling rather than dealing with my own. i no longer wanna be someone who could only share happiness... i dont wanna hold back when i cry... i am after all, never am strong... i just wanna protect my self from pain n sadness but im not shutting down helping hands... will there anyone who can really c joanne for real...

Thanks alot for the fwens who send me condolences and wished for my well being to go thru exam strongly. Really appreciate it. I did not dissapoint... n i knew i did good. Silly it is, but is real- it has been already few times i cry infront of my laptop, either while chatting or writting... N u think it's funny when i said my lappy was like my soulmate...