I'm lucky to be alive now after the afternoon water rafting incident.

Shall I died, which i cant and i didnt... I seriously dont know how bad 

things will be. 

I cant describe how close i was to drown and die at the pretty age at 27 years old and with hideous attire. 

Those who knew me know that i cant swim. The closer ones will know the reason was due to my phobia of water after an unfortunate drowning incident when i was a kid. 

I vowed never to die under suffocation and drowning cuz inability to breath sucks. If you ever allergy on air (air particles) you will understand. 

Today agenda was a twisted faith of event which leads to this wonderful journey of water rafting. The journey down the stream and back up the hill via a truck was super adventurous and exciting. 

But that 1 min drama in the middle of the journey will haunt me forever.  I was thrown into the river twice and the last one was an intended accident or could be real accident, the boat overturned and collapsed on us. Having no experience in this playground and being the terribly unfortunate one, i was trapped inside the boat and i cant resurface. Fear, suffocation and panic hit me badly. Waters immediately rushed into any possible air pores that i have and i swallowed too much of water. 

The instinct was obvious. To stay alive. To get out and resurface. I kept chanting i cant die. Must get out. I pushed so hard and away from the boat. Everything happen so fast and i was finally resurfaced. Nearby boat managed to grab me and pull me up onto their boat. I remember i manage to muttered something from my barely enough oxygen state... please pull me up...By the time my concious hit me, i found myself breathing so hard and the other team mates were all fine. All were saved by the other boat and pulled to safety.

Shamed, angry and grateful at the same. 

I can only imagine if i was to stuck in the boat not being able to resurface...

if there was no other boat round or if the stream was even rougher than today's...

if my equipments did not function and if i knock something hard and is unconscious...

if only i died today...

:'(

You have no idea how difficult it is for me to face my phobias and possibly die going through one of them.

You have no idea how fearful i was at the moment. 

I saved myself. 

At the moment of death, you realized that you actually wish to be alive. 

And im alive! 

*

And i supposed it didnt matter to you. 

Cuz i dont see your fear of losing me.