Jcdagreat: Safe trip my heart and my soul.

15th Nov. A farewell gathering.

Those from ukm will know how close we are. We are everywhere together.

Not all course mates can become so close together even after graduation. Im so glad we four made it this far. You both have served me 1 year notice on the successfully bided once in a lifetime opportunity; working holiday in New Zealand.

Reluctant and jealous, yet i never wish to talk you out of the idea. I always am selfish and i wish to keep wanting you all near me in the most selfish way. But i love you. So there is a quote that says if you love someone set them free. Cuz if they love you they will come back to you eventually. And that eventually is only a year's duration.

I have been bawling like a big baby these 2 days.

I guess the 12 months duration is already feel like forever when they finally went into the boarding room.

17th Nov has already arrived. I promised to send them off and i even took leave in case if they need my assistance. So i travelled to klia2 for the 1st time. I thought it was a big airport. Well i wasnt in the mood to explore so i wasnt very impressed with its size i guess. Well... its awkward to waive goodbye to your closest. Cuz we dont say goodbye to our loved ones. We just dont.

I look super awful. Dont judge.

I never like to cry in front of people. Cuz i look super messy and ugly when i did cry. So i hate people who do that.

And it happen on that faithful monday night when you again questioned my best interest in you and for you in my most emotional days. Whenever i feel like im being misjudged, blamed and out casted aka IGNORED, i will have a tendency to cry. Cuz after all the good that i have done, these nonsense come to me? How wrong!

You never seems to be bothered by what your insensitive expression caused by your high sensitivity perception. And i havent been the most open book you can view. I dont know how to be open with you cuz I dont know what we are.

You said i dont tell things... 1st cuz i dont think u bother to listen to and 2ndly i dont feel that you care. A lot of things i only will tell once. If i feel that you dont listen then im done!

i seriously hate guessing and doubting this. What is all this? Its not even important to you!

The fact that i care and i made a fuss out of it... its all about my naiveness and stupidity! And i cant even believe i stay put with that whole argument on that day.

Anyway, Im glad you sat and talked through the whole shits and didnt walk off like i would expect you to do. Your initiation to seal the argument is a mature decision. There is still a lot of things im not convinced and i wish to clarify but i hold my tongue.

But then again... who am i to ask?

Who am i to know?

What's not given is not mine.

What's not allow i dont own.

Thus if we are nothing... then we shud just be that of what we are now. Be just what friends will do and expect and behave.

It hurts me to know and believe that all we can have is just that. But it better hurts me now than to continue believe a fake anticipation that will never come. So close and real. And it made me believe that perhaps i am not good enough. That crushes me badly.

Im sorry i have fallen for you. Im sorry to have read the sign all wrong and behave like a bitch when i feel like im being misled again and be disappointed again. Im sorry for myself to have and be convinced to push doubts against all the odds to try nurture this relationship.

Many a times i've tried given up but somehow something nice that you do again reaffirm that perhaps i can wait a bit longer before jumping to a conclusion. Something nice... well. I thought wrong again.

But i've never been offered an answer and i dont have patience.

i guessed wrong.

I promise to be smarter.