my wish my demand

Ok. Every pms week ill be freaking emotional to a point i could cry without a reason.
Erm... not really without a reason cuz that would be a bipolar symptom which i once thought i have.
I have a lot of reason to cry but i always manage to ignore and forget about them.

Lately ageing hormone are disturbingly awful and inconsiderably hateful. Ive been suffering emotional rollercoaster during pms week.
I cried twice today. I played with my bff's dog and im in pms week. So i wonder which was the reason i cried.

Many things are bothering my head for sometimes and i have no one to voice out to. So the outburst was really a good relieve.
I bought myself and my gf a stalk of rose each for no reason.

Met up with her only after decades. Diu. We both stay in seremban n most weekend both undated. Yet she always ffk me.

But bff dont forget birthday and no matter how long we dont meet each other, we can always talk like years... i mean months melt away like it was just yesterday. There was no awkward moments or dead air between us.

We were in my favourite coffee house sipping our favourite cuppa and talked away the hours.

I love you Lee Yoke Shan. More than ever. Never changing. This year you are the 1st i allowed to celebrate my bday.

So... back to the topic. My wish my demand.

I'll be officially 27 years old in coming Monday.
I realized what i dont get to have all these years is because i care too much, think too much and not wanting enough.

What do i really want? My ego nature has been the bitch who save me from a lot of misery but also sabotage many moments of which now become guilts. What do i do?

What i want is simple. Dont make it harder to me that its already is.

1. I want to be in a relationship.
To someone who loves me more than i do to myself n to him. Dont confuse me. Dont need me for other thing than my love and loyalty. Dont talk to me about money if it doesnt involve urgency or future. Dont talk to me about how valuable i am when you dont protect me and need me like your basic necessity.
Dont make me feel like i am a second choice because you cant place your priority. Dont make me love you and walk away. Dont make me believe and take those things away. Dont use me. Dont make me a fool to keep guessing your intention. A fucking lion doesnt play game. And you dont wanna play hide n seek with me. Dont belittled me. Dont take me for granted. It will backfired. You wont know me as long as you cant convince me to let you.

If nothing above says you, fix this once and for all and make me understand. Spit it!

2. I wanna have a long gateway.
To an island preferably.

3. I want to successfully write a song which i hum randomly.
I often feel i have some talent in music. Must learn some instrument really.

4. I need a promotion or bigger reward at work.
I need a good change. Coming November will be my 4th year with pbb. Fuck that shit. N this year has been some good n bad moments.

5. I wanna be able to change my wardrobe.
I want to be able to wear hot pants. Fix the skin and get something fresh.

6. I wish to fix the lump(s) in my breasts.
Either i take some pills or i take those bitches off. Fuck u piece of shit. Potentially take away more years of which i dont already have.

7. Get back in shape.
Just like when i was in 2nd year in my University. Or when i was in form 2 or something when i could feel my hips bone.  I wish to dance again. Be it whether i have a partner or not.

8. I want to be happy.
I really want to be happy.
It is not hard. I wanted it. In fact im yearning for it.

So... dont sadden my sad soul.