It feels right holding hand and locking fingers with you.
It is the safest place on earth and is one of the best sense of security one can give another.

I find myself seeking for that feeling that i cant describe after my dog passing. And then i found you.
You rescued me.

Every time we lock fingers, you reassured me that our love still persists even after quarrels and fights.
That we still want this to work.

You gave me a platform for me to be myself comfortably. Our intimacy surpassed sexual satisfaction.

You often asked about my high tolerance and acceptable level in everything. While i often said it is only for you.
You would do anything for your loved one as long as it pleases him.
That level grows with love.

Your sweaty palms never bothers me. While you tolerate with my ego in times of madness.

You blow dry my hair while i pops your pimples.

:)

Thank you for fighting on for us love.

Thank you for staying with me.

Please be consistence, slowly chasing away my insecurities.

That is our only set back at the moment.

I hope you can feel my love from the very core of your body knowing i wishes you well, love and happiness.

The thought of losing you to things that hinders our relationship kills me.

I miss you already.

I used to be a very vocal person.
Lively. Talkative. Bubly. Those who know me along the years would be able to tell you how different i am now compared to those times.

I dont know what change me.
Even if i dont talk much, i would write a lot.
If only my english proficiency could do better, i would have engaged in journalism. Or as novalist. I still have this dream parked temporary aside so that i could stop day dreaming and start make a living, to make ends meet.

So yea, so the historical event has begin to settle down to more subtle mode. But it is still damn engaging and i just got so much to say but to no audience. Yea i can talk to my mom but she just not too interested in it. I can talk to my bf but we hardly talk really. So.... i feel imbalance at times.

I have been ignorance for a long time specifically things that could overworked my brain... but this one really spark an interest in me.
Suddenly that dreams to write ignited again.

Sigh.

My New Malaysia. Negaraku Malaysia.

It has been a historical week for all Malaysian.

On the faithful day of May 9th 2018, Malaysian has shown a powerful will to overturn a corrupt government in the most democratic way in our 14th general election. 

I have registered myself as a voter 1 year before the due date and I kept reminding myself that i could not affort to miss this event again after witnessing the horrer of how dirty and low the last election was. I decided there and then that this government has to go. 

Thus, without studying much on what the opposition has to offer, i casted my vote to support them, my one humble vote and wishing hard that they will be granted a victory. After all, the oppostion group has been fighting for the past 60 years with no financial support and all of them came from very briliant educational background, all for the sake of speaking for Rakyat's wellfare. When all they fight for was not for the personal gain, you know they are pretty genuine. (other than for power of which they were denied pretty much and in term of wealth, they are pretty poor cuz they just depends on public donations of cuz it is different when you win a state or two of which the opposition only has 2 states)

So lets examine...

The right will, checked.

The passion and new blood, checked.

New direction and agendas, checked.

The rightful leader... erm... checked twice!

And then came Tun Mahatir wanting to right what was wrong and collectively binded all the opposition parties known as Pakatan Harapan. As the name suggested, a hint of hope to the country which was under the clouds of bribery at large, scandals shamed by all international news and Menteri with low life ill mannerism. 

Thus came the battle. So many dramas and dirty tricks saw along the day. But the most alarming thing that surfaced out of this crazy ride was the displays of unity by rakyat in so many levels of supports. From the highest level by politician to the very minor details if supports being given by rakyat. 

Media.. only certain pages in FB that runs independently manage to deliver us truthful news while other media were government linked.

A burst of patriotism suddenly ignite out of the blue no thanks to the sacrifices made by many unsung heroes that enable this miracle to happen.

On the 10th of May 2018. Malaysia made a world wide record for overturning a 60 yrs strong gigantic government by Barision National. 

It shocked many if us specifically the Barisan Nasional team. Many dreams came true that very day. 

Tun mahatir became the oldest prime minister being elected. 

Despite many grandmother dramas of which are very disturbingly exciting, we manage to pull through successfully.

I have never been prouder to be called as a Malaysian.

A reborn. A reformation. A clean start. However this is only the beginning. I hope the country will continue to be blessed with inteligence and dignity.

That the government elected by Rakyat will do its very best for Malaysian 1st and foremost.

And to hunt for those corrupt individuals.

I love my country. 

An influencial lady said on the tv that pregnancy makes a woman better likewise when a woman is very much loved by her man.

I am sold for that.

Cuz i am that kind of person. I wont be agreeing to every advise my man has given me but i will do it out of love and guilt shall i not listen to the man who love me genuinely.

As at now he was kinda successful halfway. Sometimes. I know he care. At times i need more commitment and evidence. And plus i am stubborn. Not many people are allow to lecture me.

I am very happy that you finally become much better and stronger in person. Except that big panda eyes u have, you appear okay. So energetic :)

I really like it when u blow my hair dry. That was a sweet lovely gesture. It feels intimate.

I like you singing infront of me. Although sometimes you just purposely do it to annoy me, i feel warm knowing that u feel at ease and that you are trying to tease and make me laugh at the silly tricks of yours.

I like it when u told me about your family. Your past stories cuz it holds values from where you came from and how they shape you into you.

I already miss you so bad.
I wanna hold your hand and feel you next to me.
That would be waiting till another paktor date.

Take care baby.

Best wishes and blessing for your mama and your family.

Be strong dear.
I wish you find your happiness again and i wish that i got to contribute into your well being.

The old place we called it.

The mall we frequent to. 

The first place you fulfilled my desire to eat the most expensive ice cream

 that i know of.

That day i knew that a boy remembered his promise.

And today he is my one and only.

I have yet to eat my second cone cuz we were always late and in a rush for dinner or movie.

I dont know what is there for us in the coming days but right now holding hand with you wherever we are is my favourite activity.

I only wish for your good health physically and emotionally. 

The rest of others issues like suitability and insecurities... i guess time will tell. There is no one man show in a relationship.

I cant force things that speaks answers to my doubts. Thus i might as well just leave it to the flow. 

My heart knows better.

When it comes to feeling, im not confused.

Only when it comes to action, im restricted by emotion.

You say that there is no maths in relationship. There is no ratio or amount of who loves who better or more. 

You just love and let things come naturally.

Fair share of love is never too overwhelming to ask for right?

Despite everything else, i had a great limited hours with him. Im glad he is getting better.

Please keep your health as priority.

When i was most down, 2 of my best friends sensed that and quickly texted me if im okay.

I guess their sensitivity matches mine. Haha...
I was really touched and im happy that despite we hardly meet one another, you girls just know me.

Joanne and Kheng, thank you. If i was on the verge of suicide, you gals might have just saved my life.

But i wasnt.

I was really having a bad mood and bad thoughts.
Work and relationship and my family.

All of them are out of my control and i was not able to calm my mind at all.

But then i realized i got my friends worried. And it was the time i gotta wake up.

We have talked again about my feeling and although i was not convinced by his words, i know he cares. We dated over the weekend after a fucking deadly week in the bank.

It finally feels like our good old time in the longest time.

It is almost one year since your mom passing.
That whole month was so dreadful for us and i never ever want you to go through that period anymore. Never again.
I cried almost everyday thinking of your well being while try to be tough to cover both your needs and work.

I wanted to hold you so badly and just let you release but i couldnt. You dont want me there.

Tell me love. Talk to me.

Anything that i could so long my love persist.
My vow to our love.

To her. To you.

.....

I guess i really have been hiding and lazying for a good long time. Hmmp how many months have I been away from being viewable?

Well im just being dramatic. So short of time. So many things has or going to happen.

Only time will tell if those things are good or bad.
My Biz M got promoted to another branch as branch manager. While internal promotion got my OIC to become new biz M. Already foresee many disturbances and changes in negative ways. I dont wish to stay put in this hellish place too.

While, same old same old.
I have been feeling grey as usual.
Nothing too fancy.

Still wondering how much my boy loves me.
Still wondering how to love and be loved.
Without meeting mutual needs, how long can we last?

Sometimes when i look at you and i feel so unsure of us.
There is so much love i have for you but i dont know which way to channel to you.
While i continue to wonder why am i having this feeling that you dont love me enough.

How enough? What is enough you may ask?
When you feel it is enough, that is enough.

I feel so lacking.
You resisted to feed me assurance.
I dont know why.
I wonder by the time you tell me that you love me, we have probably lose this fight.

There were times i teared up when i think about us, because the idea of breaking up crosses my mind.
It hurts me to even think about it. This detachment would destroy me.

I suppose breaking up with someone you love is harder than breaking up with someone who loves you more.
The empathy bond is easier to break than a addictive bond.

I have tried to convince myself to find the hidden 'i love u' sign in everything you say or do. So little reference. So little indicators.
I am really tired. Im so very tired.
Everything is taking a toll on me.
People that i wasnt given the option to choose.
And they werent very kind.
Everything is so stressing but please dont be you.

I shouldnt be stressing over your unquestionable love for me.
I should be celebriting everytime someone ask about us.
I should be lighted up whenever i speak of you.

The thought of breaking up got me chocked up.
Does it ever cross your mind too?

Dear love,

Im a deprived being and im sorry if i make you suffocate too.
Im like a black hole that sucks you away from being you.

If this denied yearning and self doubts continues, i am scare that i will make the wrong decision.

Either way we may end up making the wrongest decision.
But i dont want you to be wrong.

I love u, still.

You have start to pick up a new hobby. Something that doesnt involve me cuz i have no expertise on and we dont see me wanting to pick the interest up.

The new hobby requires your focus and dilligence and time investment. Im happy that you find your passion.
But will that passion require you to sacrifice our already sacred time together?

It feels like de javu...
Will we continue to drift apart?
:(