A sky full of stars concert @ Singapore.

A sky full of stars and A head full of dreams.

Just the song and album titles are enough to catch my attention.

And that faithful day of 31st March 2017 marked a historical day of my life seeing one of the most respectable band in the world perform at Singapore.

Ohhh the effort i have to make to see them at Singapore live!

I was really lucky. I manage to contact a friend who is working at SG to assist me. She got a nice colleague who with sibeh good luck managed to logged in and score us all tickets.

March is a crucial time for bank and almost all of us were close to being denied leave.
I worked very hard to achieve my target so i can go onleave peacefully.

The long awaited concert since last year has finally arrived. I was seated next to yenming and her fiance.

The crowd. My goodness. It was even crazier than BSB's. The great stadium was a full house.
I think it was stated either 50k or 60k capacity whole house.

We were given LED wrist band and a pin for average price seating. More goodies for vip i think.

They were on time and played non stop for 2 hours.
Show started at 8pm and by then there was no turning back. We got so high and start jumping screaming and dancing like no body's business.
My old bones and muscles are aching now.

The old hits got me shivering and goosies all over.
Some songs got me teary and many songs got me jumping so crazily. Everybody was. The crowd was amazing! Hardly anyone sit anyway.

I was not at all disappoint!
I can only imagine how great it must be to be at the rockzone. But i couldnt afford the youngster's energy to line up super early just to queue to get the best rockzone spot. And im not super tall and i went to the concert solely.

Met some old friends and junior.
Slept over at bestie rented apartment.
Got to go and do some crazy tourist stuff like ridding the eye of singapore.
Sky ride at Sentosa.
Walk around marina bay for the 2nd time. This time it was at night and with a broken shoe.

I got to experienced the impecable discipline of MRT and bus and cab services.

It is a whole new culture and eye opening experiences. Now i truly see why and how they are capable to stand so strong with ever growing currency.

Something which Malaysia will need more time to learn.
1st thing 1st... bribery gotta be stopped.
Children need to be taught well. Discipline.

Coldplay concert and SG visitation is the 1st good thing in this 1st quarter of year 2017.
I hope it doesnt stop here.

To coldplay:

Thanks for coming to South East Asia and chose the closest spot to my country so that i can witness your glorious performance live at Singapore.

You are the band i grow to love. And will keep loving on. I might not be your biggest band' fans but i am one who truly appreciate your concert and your songs.
I am one of the stars that sparks with your wonder and will continue to be one so long you cater the universe of wonder for us.

#coldplay

I hope one day if u open my page here and realized how much ive have tried.
But in tired.

I kinda foresee the fragment of our future and how unfortunate it will be.
I hope it will not happen that way.
Because if it does. It will break my heart to not choose you cuz ive done giving you chances and excuses.

I might regret it if i choose to do so.
I might regret it all time.
It is very difficult for me to detach but if im capable to saying no to you. It means i have chosen someone else who respect my worth more.
Who doesnt make me question us.
Who doesnt deny me.
Who doesnt choose otherwise.

I cant possibly hurt someone who put me as priority right?

But hey. I guess im overthink anyway.
You are much wiser.

Distractions.
Some silly lady luck.
Its funny how my mouth or mind have some magic spell.
Whenever i want something. It will happen.
And i was kept distracted lately.
I hope they are all good people.
I dont yearn for anything seriously.

I just wanna know more people.
See more things.
Be more open minded.
Be positive.
Be stress free.

Family issues they are ever revolving.
Mine, they are under control. For now.
But they are land mines. You never know when or what will they be triggered.

But theirs, i seriously cant cope and they have to come to me.
Why me? Easier to be bullied?
It is a curse i believe. Some curse it last for few generations. Some skips generation.
Worry not. All will end in this with my generation.

Broken genes shall not be passed down.
The world doesnt need another Joanne or any Chai's passing down.

Im scared.
I kinda know what i should do but im not strong.
Im not built with armour and im no hero.
Im kind. Stupid kinda kind. I can be selfless so bad it will scares you. But i cant. At least for this time i cant. Im sorry i cant.

It is not my responsibility to bear and it shall not be.
Dont put the pressure on me.
I had enough of them from my own source of genes.
I dont need it from others.

I got a life to live.
Dont force me back to the place i tried so hard moving on.

I would reach out for u if i can.
But i have limit.
If you have mind. You will understand.
But i never really care how other perceive me.
The one who cares will know.
Those who cant doesnt matter i guess.

Im sorry.

Kindness. Not something people use on me except for the closest ones.

Am I? 

I think i was betrayed by a good friend who really cares of me.

I will never confine in her again.

Cuz she has broken my trust.
I wonder if she did the same the previous time.
And the said person took her advise.
And i wonder if that is the outcome of today.
To my benefit or not i dont think ill ever find out.
Cuz if that didnt happened. I wouldnt have know you today. 

But ultimately i know she really cares of me.

Im touched but mad at the same time.
My affections are publicly displayed while hers are mostly untangible. But i felt them. So thank you dearest.  

But if he reads me here. The story would be almost the same.

But by reading me details are more accurate i guess.

At least on the date. On the genuine heartfelt unhidden. Unafraid to be expressed.
Remember that by the virtue of conversation, we are often challenged by ego and shame. Thus there will always be variance or facts unspoken.
Im glad by the nature of a man or just him who cares, clarification was done.

Am i hurting? 

Am i suffering? 

Yes. If i continue to expect something being denied for countless time.

Hence the 4th round of long talk.
An assurance to him that im okay.
And we are okay :)
Talking to him makes me understand things about me.
Its like while you are learning about another person, you discover part of yourself that you never knew.
When you talk without much hesitation and judgement... you know you are talking truth rather than talking nice.

If my friends knew this. They will definitely said that this is absolutely stupid and lebih.
X suka dont waste time. Why continue to talk so much?

There are more than just that. Perhaps im just stupid. But i care. Friends 1st above all others.
We were good friends above anything else.
So i have fallen for a good friend?
Awh... cheesy typical stupid gal.

Why do i always feel like im confessing?

The 1st was when i was told that i misunderstood a fact from him. I called him a cheater. He denied it. That night all hell break lose. The night on my senior's wedding. It was a pretty bad weeks i must say.

2nd was when?? I cant recall the exact date. But i thk somewhere in the blog i have it written. Hahah...
Oh yea. It was about his bestfriend and how i manage to be normal against the taboos. Now i show you how.

3rd is definitely after vday 2017. I tried holding back by avoid talking and texting. One sided and it turns out i was mostly revenging. Lol...

Why do i say it as confession.... in all 3 uneventful situations, we both confesses liking.

But it wasnt enough for him to proceed while i couldnt bring myself to force him to.

He couldnt let go while i havent.

The final time i asked him to hold the affection to allow me to back off slowly.
That hurts me. That was pain.
Wanting the whole thing to stop while i never wish to.

I got so used to it and i expected conversation every night. Sometimes i forget my place and i yearn a little bit more. And every expectation comes with a blow of failure. That is the thing i wish to abandone.

And as he knew, i often keep things inside my heart with all the unvoiced dissatisfactions.
But we came clean about this cuz he has a way of making me talk. All the freaking time. That was the 3rd round of talking it over. I remember i told myself not to allow myself going through it for the 3rd time. Im scare that it will be the final chance that i will ever give to him.

And this time my feeling were truly heard.

I want you to be happy.
I want us to be happy.
So i choose a way we both can live.
You are allowed freedom to do anything you want and i can reaccess my my position. Our position.

So that i can take back my loyalty and my unkept freedom to allow more opportunity to come my way.

Dont worry about me.
I just need a new distraction.

If you come to your senses after i manage to let go completely, pls try harded to convince me. Because when a leo gives up, we dont turn back around.
I hope this trial time makes us see things clearer.

You're a good person.
Im sorry if i cause you sadness and
Troubles. Discomfort and heartache.
I think i have caused enough troubles.
Alot of mixed emotion. And unnessary people get entangled when it has nothing to do with them. Especially your goddamnsister.

When i 1st met you.
It never cross my mind that we would end up like this. Complicatedly uplifting and dramatic.
You were the closest thing that bring me joy and happiness to a so called relationship. Perhaps a half hearted one. Thus its complicated.
Someone who is unafraid to confess but couldnt make me as the priority any time for now.

I dont blame you.
I admit that im difficult to love.
Im beginning to feel so tired of being me.
Too man as a lady. Too independent.
Too level headed yet emotional.
So close yet so far.

If you read me.
Please know that from the bottom of my heart that im thankful for you. I wont tell you in person.
But if you ever find yourself here. Pls know that.
Every person brings a story to our life chapters.
You hold a specific chapter of which im not sure if i wish to revisit.
But it was a good one.

I wish that i could be brave enough and accept offers and meeting new people.
I find it difficult to open up to new people.
Only to have them tear me apart while knowing that they will keep a secret between us i can not retrive back.

I could be as good as paradise but if im not the chosen one. All good doesnt matter anymore.
You choose a forever over certainty.
I choose certainty over a forever.
Forever is overrated. Nothing is.
Even metal rust n raptured.
All atomic bonding eventually breaks.

The ride will be smoother soon. I assured you.
Now focus on your career.
Both long and short.

Both yin and yang.
Both fallen victims.

Gosh im so poetic my words have double meaning only i myself understand hahahaha.....

Be happy, for me.
Please. At least until im occupied again. Till then,
Your happinesss is relevant/parallel to my emotion.
I wish us well.

Goodnight to you.
Okay?
Okay.

Tonight is another night we go through without our goodnites. Those were the nights i would wait and wonder why you never nudge. A consistant affection you said came naturally. But why would you leave me hanging for a night while knowing that i will wait for u? You actually can go through a night not giving a damn about me. Or perhaps you are expecting me in return?

Are you okay?
Are you not happy?
Shall i wait?
Shall i text 1st?
Is he busy?
Is he holding back?

You know, the typical gal thoughts.
You see.... these lil expectations are things that sufficate me.
We are in an unclear state of mine doing things as if we are an item. Then some nights it hits us wondering if we should continue doing this....


But tonight and future nights when it happens, i would know that it was for our deal to hold back a little as per my request. Rather than wondering why you are not visiting me, i have an answer to your absence. Non work related pls.

For my accessment. For me to stop expecting so that i could be better in time.
Time for you to clear your mind and know what you really want. If you want this to work. You need to show me.

And for me to step back and see if this is what i want despite the overflown emotion i thought was certain. Cuz im not longer certain.
Im ready to detach.

I like your attention. But do it because you wish to. Not because due to all other reason.

Lets see what this will bring.

When words fails..

They got it conveyed.

So what's up?

Been stressed up yes.
Been released... yea in some way.

Period still stuck in a hole. Pathetic period stubborness.

It was an emotional turbulance some days back when i finally come clean about my desire to pull back and stop the unnessary drama.
It would mostly be one sided effort though but he respected my decision.
I guess thats for the best for now and for our future undertaking. Things would be better.
It is uneventful and definitely will not solve a thing. But no harm trying.
Since im not happy with what you are proposing. Y not try my way.

Im happy seeing siew win came back and having this passion to assist in NTLP this year. For her, im willing to travel and accomodate to her. Seeing her back to her powerful feline cat mode i felt empowered too. Best if Hooi Ling can be here too.

Then my batch would be complete.
It has been 6 yrs since i become a senior.
I still remember vividly when i was being judge and the whole nervous and scary environment. Ofcuz the uncomfortable band room condition.

The best damn years of my life.
Still was. And i duno how have i lived the last 6 years so lifelessly.
So many variable event for the past 6 years but nothing beat one journey at all against the short ride of 3 years i had in ukm.
So said my dear Siew Win.
Both biggest activities for Chinese community in UKM i have conquered.
Gloriously.

Everytime i talk to juniors.
I didnt ask them to do what they should do.
I asked them to enjoy and try your very best to get the best of it while you can.

Because i miss it everyday.
I miss me very much.
The happier me. The most contented me.

I knew i can never go back.
I kenot re experience it all over.
But i can make everday counts and readjust my priorities so i still have the same satisfaction with coming obstacles.

Short term goals.
* Coldplay march 31st at singapore.
* Get my house renovated.

Seing my old photos i realised how ugly i was in my heydays.
Got pretty too late.

Immaturity.
Despite being at the ripe age of 29.
I think im pretty unorganized and inmature.

I kept them very well.
Only unleash negativity within my own comfort of space here. I know its unhealthy.

But these feeling and emotion. They are mostly temporary. Keeping them here are safer than unleashing em else where.

The unfiltered zone.
Place where i keep myself balance.
Everyone has a buble to keep sadness and craziness.
It has to go somewhere. B4 it burts or gone haywired.

Some scream out loud.
Some sing it out.
Some dance it off..
Some sleep it away.
Some drink it down.
While i just write it free flow off my mind.

Things i couldnt tell you.
Things i decided better just keep to myself.
Things arent important and dont matter to else lives.

Friends are protected from my negativity.
People who i care are sheltered from toxicity of my head.
You dont deserve all this mess.

Here is my play ground. Place where negativity found its grave. Where its solitude rest assured.

Im sorry.
Things i wrote here i seek no clarification.
Its a form of detachment.

This place used to be a home of glory. Things about my performance journey and happy memories.
Now it has gone somber. Grey and unnerving.

Today is the last day of Cny 17.
Guess it serves no purpose at all.
2nd month in 2017.

Its time to wake up. Jc.
Wake up dagreat.

Gf for rental for this Valentine's Day.

* im jokingly serious about this*

- Rm520 for a candle light dinner.

- Gentlemen only. Banana prefered.

- 3 hours max plus a movie if u're not boring.

- No smoking. No alcohol. 

- No sex. No kiss. Cuz im too expensive.

- Why me?

* Independent. I can drive me home. Tqvm.

* Have a good voice. I can sing u lullaby.

* Terlebih 3mm for a pair of eyes. 

   I can cry with you. For you. And bcux of you.

* Average height with tiny waist. 

* A dreamer. 

   Tell me yours and imma see stars in you. 

   With you.

* I can write a poem of you (lol).

* Your best buddies will be jealous of you.

* Your crushes will be sorry that u're taken.

* Your ah ma will be very happy u're wanted.

* Your dog will love me too. Duh...

* Conversation in english only.

* Speak your sincerity out loud.

- Wont entertain PM cuz u bor dick.

* Spray some cologne and im your date for the     

   evening. 

* In case u're still undecisive, this is my non make 

   up face je... 💋

Ahahahahahahaha... 

One is the loneliest number therefore 

One is always the champion.

It makes no sense but why so serious :)

Adios! #yolo

7th day of CNY - Unpost
---------------------------------------
Same date last year.
The 7th day of Chinese Lunar year.
How wonderful the whole history repeat itself before my eyes.

I let you go and you took it.
I wont want it any other way.
Nothing should overtake family's priority.
Im not a bitch. I was not mad that i was not chosen.
It was how you executed it that pissed me off.

I watched Space Between Us with cky.
Last year Chor 7 was Valentine's Day and i spent it with him too.
Was it coincidence or that he was destined to be my saviour?

A lovely movie. Got me tear up when the gud bye scene came up. Im a sucker for these movies. Still nothing beat The Fault Of Our Stars.
I felt chocked up every time i wish to move on from what we had.

Moving on is our only solution before things turn sour.
Because that is the only way we can still be best of friends.
Dont ruin a beautiful friendship by our selfishness.
I could do it once. I can do again.

I dont wanna act all crazy on you. Behaving like a mad angry gf of yours when im not even one.
I dont want you to be all caring checking up on my well being and wishing me goodnight if you dont even wish to be the special man in my life.
Dont keep me expecting with your inconsistence effort.

I dont wish you to half trying not certain and doubting things. You dont have to pick up these duties thinking you have obligations to treat me good. I dont entitled extra good from you. And you dont need these extra pressure as well. There is alot of way to appreciate someone kindness.
There is a lot of way to repay kindness.

I cant even tell you what im angry with and what im not happy about us because we have nothing between us.

You have no responsibility over it. Now i even feel that you have no rights to know it. Because i no longer wanna share it with u. Opening up is a phobia to me and i chose you to be part of it cuz you were listening. You care to listen. You care to know.
But now i wish to just keep it close to myself.
Thats when i know the detachment is on its way.
Anyway... thats a great quality of you. You make people talk their mind. It aint because you specifically wish to listen to mine. Its just ur ability, a gifted quality u have in you.

Space between us.
Distance between us.
Is not just 45 min away anymore :(

You are a realist.
Im a dreamer.
You believe in certainty.
I believe in chemistry, choices.
You forecast futures.
I wish to live in the presence.
You seek for compatability.
I trust in efforts. Efforts! Consistence efforts!

If you wish for a miracle,
You must 1st walk the talk.
Dont just talk. Talk is cheap.

Time waits for no man.
You await a better tomorrow.
I dont think time has mercy on me.
Timing is a bitch.

If you dont see my values, lets not waste time.
Lets be okay.
Lets be fine.
Let the better days be upon us.

You thought that not deciding and making the wrong choice is a way to prevent hurting me.
You have no idea that what is happening now is hurting as hell too. Perhaps not making the decision is one of your ways to prevent things you couldnt handle or dont wish to face.
With that you push away happiness that could be happening. You doubted it.
With that you push me away.
Maybe u wish me to prove to you.
You wish to see my effort?
But i thought you know me. You knew i had give you the green light. But you are suspicious?

:/ im so tired.
Im not happy.
The song from Sam Lee Kao Jin speaks loudly about my feeling right now.
Let me work out my mind set.
When a leo falls in love, it is difficult to detach.
But i wonder how far is this love fetching?
Am i really in love? How do i measure?

What i was very certain then is no more concrete.
Leo is vibrant is attention seeker but its loyal.
The funniest part is when you even question a leo's loyalty. You question a leo's choice.
Hmmp.
Thanks for all the given time. I finally see the concerns you saw earlier.
They are very visible now and the shocking true is i started to wonder if love really mean accepting all differences despite loving the good quality.
I used to believe so long a couple fight for each other and work the differences away will go a long way.
U made me see from your point of view already.

Gosh you made my journey to attempt walking into 1st relationship so fucking harder than i could even imagine.

I can no longer answer all the uncertainties.
Tinder is working suddenly after being page damage or something. Funny dao...its like a perfect time for me to divert the attention.

I care about you as i care about my good friends.
You know where to find me if you need me.
I just need to work out my mind failure in making decision. I can access very nicely as position matters. I couldnt treat you good as a bf. But i can still treat you well as a great friend. I can.

Dont you ever thought that being distance from me will be a cure to my torture. I will hate you if you do that to me. Cuz u add misery to all the miseries that are happening.
My 1st crush stay in my mind for a very long time (infact every crushes, they stay for years) until i found myself liking someone better. You could be half globe away from me but i could be thinking of you 24/7 for months.
This is a leo mental torture of which distance and time cant cure unless we work out a solution.

If you proclaim yourself as a kind person, walk this out with me. You can play a great part in it. But mostly boys they just walk away and leave me stranded. Typical. Since you are the most different and most in touch, just do this diferently.
Promise me. Dont make it harder than it already is.

Maybe i just do not know how to handle this kinda emotion. Grow up JC. Grow old.
29 and single. Cuz im too special. Haha. Nothing beat my consistency in singlehood.

Cheers to my still entitled freedom and to a brighter future. And better mate :)