I used to be very eager to participate in a gathering. I am picky toward whose gathering to go to but I never say no to those few groups which include U65, NTLP, Bio girls & PT dancer's. I'm a regular.

It seems I managed to decline all their offers this year. Sigh. Latest being tonight's. 

I had a karaoke season with one of the U65's gf. 

Our first duo K date. It's comfortable & voice was at its best. 

Duo date to gathering, another gf whom cannot join us in karaoke initiated a yamcha gathering instead.

I for the 1st time hesitated. I don't wish to go. I'm dying to see those faces again but not now & definitely not like this. 

It's awkward when everyone shares update & most awkward when people ask about my current being. 

Friends who care enough will definitely avoid question like this. I really want such comfort from them but at the same time I want to avoid. The only answer I might throw out could be simply as Don't You Already Know? No? Then You might As Well Don't Ask No More. 

I'm not looking forward to share my recent updates & I'm not ready to take in much information about others yet. I might really enjoy the gathering but I can't guarantee of not being restless & moody. 

If I have to be on guard to how I behave even in front of my closest friends, than I think I better give it a pass. 

The new year date with Kheng & Fang also not finalize thanks to my uncertainty. 

I wanted to say no but I really want them to be with me in welcoming 2014.

:(

Pls help me! Fix me! Guide me! How do I come out of this mess?!

I realized that people come to me when they have unsolved matter & sadness. Or that I will go to them.

I on the other hand often wish people will offer me comfort by figuring out that I'm in trouble. 

I'm not sure why I behave the way I did. Maybe because I couldn't figure who could be the one who really stand by me in time of needs & who would be willing to listen & save me. Ego matter maybe.

Attitude problem at its worst. lol. There is no cure for this sickness. Just let me die with it. 

I have a lot of thoughts. These unsaid words are yearning to be unleashed but find no attention. 

I was trying my best not to think, relax & really shut down communication as it further excite my creativity of phrasing thoughts. 

My mind sometimes will act on its own against my will. It seems to have malfunctioned or that it has its own life whereby it speaks for itself, generating ideas & phrasing thoughts. Most of the time those stuff are really brilliant but depressing. 

Tonight it found a channel & it found its listener. 

Somehow. 

Today is the last prayer prior to my grandpa 100th day after his passing. 

3 months & counting. The family, 30 of us (representative of each son & daughters) went to Nirvana Memorial @ Semenyih to complete the service. I being a free thinker questions stuffs, I left them unheard. Not necessary. I do whatever I could to make everyone feel comfortable. It's not wrong. Anything that could possibly be done to make my grandpa feel at ease I would.

I guess it was period, I blamed it on period. 

I was very emotional these few days. Yesterday was unbearable. 

Since my dog passed away, I tried to stay focus & alert most of the time cuz I don't wanna let the the hollowness get the better of me. 

Sometimes I just couldn't. I would cry in complete silence. I wish I could just bawl out. These tears seek no comfort thus, nobody should see them. I was hugging my pillow while sleeping last night, I suddenly missed hugging my dog having his head rest on my chest. He would rest & let me hold him until he got restless. 

 I am trying my level best to find peace. I don't know how to deal with it. 

There must be a way! I wish there is an easier way. Nobody should ever feel this pain of loss. I can't move on like this as I couldn't emotionally attach to anyone this close anymore. 

To spell out every detail of the hell I've been through these few months are just too much for me to share.

Overwhelmingly hard. I tried, some volunteered, some shut me down completely. 

Ignorance is bliss. Some practices that.

I am exceptionally grateful to those I've found comfort with be it intentionally initiated myself or completely genuine offers from others. Having said that, I am also very disappointed for only in time of needs we can see who would or wouldn't be there for you. I'm sad that one of them is you. You chose to shut me out completely. Why only now? But thank you cuz I already knew why.

 *

The Penang trip was meant as an escape. A freedom granted by my baby, I left with no longing, utterly ignoring all things & head to Penang; To find comfort.

Purposely arranged a lonesome one day stay by the beach but I somehow give in to my gfs company. I need them around. Believe it or not, I hate myself crying. I will try my possible best not to cry & having a company will help. I knew Siew Win was expecting me to share out as she already knew what has happened. 

We shared deep thoughts & secrets which reminds me her importance to me. 

I sat at my hotel balcony which faced partial sea view at about 11.30pm. Finally some stars after a short drizzle rain. I was reminded that my dog has already left me for a whole complete month. 13/11/2013 - 13/12/2013. How organized things came out naturally when you least or no plan for it at all. 

I made wishes, I called his name by heart, I cried for a good 30 minutes whiles texting Yonlek who thankfully has been with me & endure for the past 1 month. Siew Win being smart & understanding gave me room to cry cuz she knew if she came to me, I wouldn't be able to release it all. She knew me too well. Not to forget Hooi Ling & Joanne Tan. They kept my sanity in check for a good 4 days.

* 

Tomorrow should be a happy day. It was a day I anticipated & I was the 1st to say yes for another Xmas gathering for PT dancer group prior to my dog's death.

I officially declined it yesterday to many's surprise. Well, they shouldn't be. 

After much thought, I really think I should stay off from this gathering. I'm not sure if it was for their benefit or that I'm just completely selfish. A gathering of new updates, joy & love. What I have now is just complete sorrow & death news. How do I update them? To keep silence? To tell out & cast an awkward spell during Xmas spirit? I couldn't. I wouldn't. I love them too much to do so. I know I might have think too much but as much as it is against my will, I choose to absence from this gathering. If you can't understand this, then you may continue not to.

Perhaps, I'm not ready to face attention just yet. I'm not ready to forget & forgive, most definitely not ready to let go. 

2 weeks to go to year 2014. I only wish to stay calm & problem free. I don't think I can take in another blow, at least not in this year anymore. 

Year 2013 had me near brink of suicidal. 3 lost. Too much a heartbreak. I won't miss you one bit.

2 week & counting

I miss you everyday

Not a day passes by without a tear

Not a day passes by without whispering your name

I'm trying to believe that I never had you

That you were just a beautiful dream

That I have just woke up to reality

Sometimes I tried to believe that you never died

Cuz I still see you everywhere

So close yet so far

I'm trying so hard to act strong

Not to cry in front of others

Cuz they will laugh, they will not understand

They will not care

They will not help

The one I love dearest has leave me forever

Never thought a loss could have such power

To break and crumble

Far greater than any pain I've been

To endure, to last

11 years of memories

I cant promise to remember all

Yet can't choose to lose any

I seek for mercy

I seek for forgiveness

I seek for your comfort in afterlife

We shall reunite soon in one sweet day.

After all the necessary

25 years to go....

I love you baby so very much.

The hollowness is killing me. You don't go miss me. Seek for your freedom & joy.

Thank you for keeping me grounded & sane. That dies with you. A gift taken back.

:') Muah Muah.

Remembering My Love Wong Coi

 Today I became a murderer. 11 years ago I was a savior. Or so I thought.
He has been with me for a good decade of wonderful journey since I was in Form 2.
He came into my life when I lost his little sister in a car accident. I was crying very badly which prompted
my dad to bring in another puppy to cheer me up. The rest was history.

Greeted him good morning and good night became my daily routine whenever I'm at home. While I was away for PLKN & University, my mother became his mother, taking care of him, feeding & cater to his needs & he would keep my family safe and sound. He was not the typical dog like others. He was a scary cat who's sensitive to thunder, fire crackers, bathing & even big men. I became very protective over him. I remember how my parents often scolded me for being too close with him. I would be hugging him, letting him lick me all over my face and we would share foods. I often smell like him too.

As time goes by, responsibility caught up, social network got widen, more people and work needed to be handled. However, without fail, I would pet and talk to him everyday. I have a lot of nicknames for him but he respond to me anyhow. I would annoy & make him jealous when I pet a stray or neighbour's pets & in return he would bark and come disturb as a warning. He makes home a sweeter place to come back to after a long working day. He was a comfort when days get rough and being with him give me a sense of serenity.

Now that I'm a working adult, I could provide him more necessities he could use especially medical care. Sadly, his health deteriorate as he ages. By the time I realized it, he was already too weak and old for advance treatment. Doctor could only prescribed medicines to control & hopefully prolonged his life.
Not long after my grandpa pass away in September, his condition worsened by day. The abdomen & testicle swelling aside, his hind legs were weakening. I was made known to expect the worst and was even offered to put him to sleep. Subconsciously, I believe that as long as he could still eat and be responsive, he might be able to carry on further. I wanted to believe that he wants to stay alive, with me.

Starting November, I began to see his partial blindness. His breathing was hard and forceful and he would have difficulty to stand up on his own. I cater to him to walk in the morning and night since then. It was difficult of course but I was most willing to. There was a chinese saying that goes 'the light bulb burn its brightest before it burns out'. He was somehow giving me his best effort to cheer me up prior to his worst condition.

On the 13th of November, I made my life's hardest decision, that's to put him to sleep. I was pondering, fighting my thought not to do so. Am I being kind to let him go from being suffering or am I cruel to continue to let him stay suffering? I don't have an answer.  Either way I knew I was dying witnessing him gasping for air while waiting for his heart to stop unpredictably if it was prolonged. It was a forced decision, it was the right decision. I could do it better, I could do it later. I then called up to the doctor & the caretaker.

He was a family, my best friend & soul mate for a good 11 years. I don't know how I will live through this but my only wish now is that he found peace. I hope he knows that I love him dearly.
I will miss him forever.

I'm sorry I don't know how to say a prayer to you dear love. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the best care and times you deserve. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you now. I keep wanting to chant your name like I used to when I come home. I keep wanting to go out for you whenever the commercial break comes in. I keep spying on you spying me when I'm eating. I miss wishing you good night & that I'll see you tomorow morning when I lock the door. I don't know that a lost could be so surreal and intimidating. Pls come visit me in my dream. I really wanna see u coi coi.

Thank you. I owe you my life :')

I know I shouldn't be here. But the pressure is too high I cant restrain myself to drop by.
Suffocated. Like real suffocation! Since my grandpa's death, I refrained myself from being emotional in front
of anybody. I swallowed everything. I thought I'm already okay. However, every time someone talks about him, it reminds me about him that he no longer alive. I got teary.

Now, someone closer to me than my grandpa, my father & my brother will soon leave me alone too.
My dog, my life companion for 11 years is suffering from aging health issue. His hind legs are weakened, so badly that he has difficulty standing up. Very soon he will lose his ability to walk. His breathing got difficult as standing up takes him great effort. It kills me seeing him like this. No pain is greater than this. Still I need to take it all in and try to carry on whatever I can still do. I'm living in denial. I know he won't get any better. But I really wanna make the best out of this and keep him as long as his wanted to. Despite his weakness, he is still responsive & eating. I cant put him to sleep in this condition. I'm living everyday in fear. I'm not sure if I can still see him in the morning or the next call I received from my mom is that my dog is dead. Life can be really cruel. Maybe this is a punishment? The fact that I disowned god when I was little? Everything happened too many too soon. I'm too weak to cope with all these anxiety & challenges, all by myself.

A day of happiness bring me a day of sadness. I haven't even have time to digest all good things on the 31st then came surprises on the 1st. Again it concludes my negativity has a solid facts to it.

Exam coming this saturday. I'm not in the best position to focus in it. I wanted to just fail it and have more time for me & my baby but ego shut the idea down. I'm sick of myself.
Time to leave u. Come back to you on Sunday. Hopefully, my baby would still be around. :(

Hi, it has been long. I miss talking to you too. Many unpost blog & many unwritten memories. I wonder how I could have actually missed doing what I favored. I used to have time to for this... a time intentionally given to voice out alphabetically. But it seems I rather sacrifice it for something else. Yet I was reluctant to sleep regardless of whether I'm spending time blogging or not. So where did my time went?

Anyway... nothing really special has happened recently. Except for my grandpa was hospitalized for coming 3rd week already due to stroke. He is now bed ridden, however stable with constant care with family. I am impressed & proud that all his 7 children took turn to take care for him. 3 of his sons take night shift alternately including my dad. I'm touch to see such spirit & I'm just glad my grandpa will not have to be alone at any moment he is in hospital. We knew he would be scared.

At the very same time, I have discovered my dog aged dramatically these months. His stomach's bloat was obvious & I couldn't act like nothing has ever happened. Sometime my only way to care less is to ignore. This is beyond my will. He got weakened, urinated more & drank & ate excessively. Doctor said a term I kept forgetting, then simplified it as weakening of heart which leads to excess fluid accumulate in tummy area.
Every time I touch it I could feel he is suffering from it. Not long ago, his tail bottom near anus bleed. That was the part where I noted darkened then subsequently it swollen & bleed. Doctor said it could be cancer/tumor. My dog is too old to go under the knife. Old or not I wouldn't let him be operated. Selfish I might be, I would not unless critically needed. I can't let him bare the fear.

I remember vividly how the doc came to my house, ask em to wore him the mouth shutter preventing him to bite or bark. He ask me to hold my dog so tight that he could barely breath so doc could inject some medicine near the buttock for the heart strengthening. Nobody could tell how badly I felt at that moment. That injection n some pills at Raya 3rd day cost me RM100.

People say if money could solve the problem , then it ain't a problem. I only wish that all problem I wanted to avoid could be solve by cash. I have very weak heart. I lost a dog once. I will very soon be forced to face another lost. How do I get by? I normally do it alone... But as year goes by, I don't think I'm strong enough.

Work got me feeling like a pro at one second, so very scare/stress at another second. Very soon I need to check-in into bipolar rehab for sure. I doubt I could handle these much of work pressure. I could but against my nature. Blurness & careless, lazy & creative are my element. All these are not meant to work well in bank.

I got very sick last wed night. High fever. I don't normally fall sick but once it comes, it's gotta be some strong viruses. The moment I'm in pain & ache, I pray. To whom you ask? I wonder too! If Nsync could save me, I pray to them. If you could save me I'd pray for u. Which is why I'm always grateful to those who ever lend me a hand. Be it small favor or not, when I needed you, You're always there. Well, not many. So, not quite hard to repay them.

Guess I pretty much sum up these 2 months of griefs. Of course there are also good news and stuff. The good ones I often share out loud. The bad ones always end up here. Fair la... Nobody wish to share negativity & sadness. Let them just died here & be gone.

Good. Cried, while Emo & Hatred are all released in one shitty post. Time to sleep & get ready to face the bloody world tomorrow. Seriously weekend pun work? FML. I meant saturday & Sunday combined. Again, why do I work so hard for a fixed income? U tell me.

August - Mine!!!

August has arrived, it's a month for all Leo boys n gals. 

I had a nice birthday date with few of my favourite babes. I had a pleasant outing, dinner & movie with Kheng & Choco.

This one was 1 week prior to my Bday... Lek Lek predicted that I would be taken by someone on the actual day... Awhhh

I wanna make the whole August as a celebration of my entry into the world. :)

I keep making decision & surprises to myself. Bought myself One Republic concert tickets which is due on the 31st Oct 2013. I often wanted to celebrate Halloween in KL. Purfect! I often wanted to explore Sunway Lagoon. Purfect. I want my 1st concert date to be purfect. I'm not sure about my companion yet. So Malcolm, dun ffk me. Gosh, I'm feeling excited everyday knowing that I will meet Ryan Tedler very very soon!!!

I wanted VIP location though cuz I'm pretty sure Ryan will spot me. Hahaha.

I had myself 4 new CD collections out of the blue. Don't know why. I just thought that buying these CD are better than another stupid ring on the finger or a fuji-lomo cam which is an expensive hobby when I already had my digital cam which recover itself after weeks of being broken or an overly pricey white leathered analog watch RM1.6K when my Titus is still kicking.  

Special thanks to Hee & Tee Publishing House Co. LOL
It was a brilliant surprise :) It was like love at first sight... so much love lies in the poster.
So thoughtful So genuine. So in love with it.
 

I don't need a lot to be happy. I need the right thing. 

This bufday, one of my dearest decided to be out of malaysia. 

My bff chose to go NewZealand for working holiday on my bufday. I was so sad that she has to go alone & knowing that she is gonna be away for at least 6 months made me teary. :(

I just wanted her to come back safely soon. U owe me a present. Make sure u bring it back & hand it to me personally. I'm not gonna forgive u if u ever break this deal. 

Hitting the age of 25 makes me realized time is ticking off. I have an intuition that I only have time on earth till the ripe age of 50 yrs old. I'm kinda 50 yrs old now if u noe what I mean. LOL....

I'm a bit of a rush for everything now. 

& I feel utterly poor as I have enough cash & leaves for me to enjoy lifebut somehow I couldn't find kakis to go wherever place I should be going. 

I have specific taste for all type of preference. Sigh. Y couldn't I just be normal?

:)

:(

There's a lot in my head that I wanna talk about. My energy level would not be able to get me there~ laying all thoughts into words.

I wanna talk. Not sure who really fits in to fill up this soul mate talk that I needed. 

I'm really tired. 

Really tired!

Sleep deprived. In fact, I was always looking for reason not to sleep. My work is draining every single ATP in my cells. I felt vulnerable. My mom is sick lately. Having lotsa stuff going around but unwilling to seek for the right medicine. She has no idea what trouble she is putting me through. Parents could be immature & that sucks. I'm tired of being the one for everyone.  My patience is running low & I hope these will be over soon. 

A lot of time I just feel like giving up ~ on work, on people, on dreams, on beliefs, on promises, on myself.

Sigh. Emo. For no reason. I kept on craving for food. Bad sign. 

Bad stress = Bad habit. 

Bad idea. Bank's annual dinner is coming. :( 

N I'm not singing this year. :( :(

I had a 3 fun days companion by a friend who still runs around as mobile officer. The branch has demanded one due to workload overflowed & he was flighted in for a honorable rescue :P

He was practically the one who lured me into PBB even before I knew him. My bff noes him and she told me about his existence in PBB & his income. I was literary enslaved myself to PBB because of him :)
This drives him nuts whenever I talk about it. Having him around makes me less tense.
We are those pair of friends who never get tired of shooting each other to the highest sarcasm level. We'll spit onto each other and LOL big one in the office. As usual, people who is capable of doing this with me are boys who talk good English & charming in his own way. I'm just so glad he has a gf who happens to be my friend too :) They are so so cute together. Him being occupied save me from any chances of being victim again. Having been to too many crash n burn, wanting, expecting but denied relationship sucks.

Out of the blue he & the fwens jumped into relationship matters... again. Why? Cuz I'm the only one still single around? We were kinda debating on what do I need & why not I accept another colleague in the office~ They came out with a conclusion that I demanded too much. I denied if cuz if was only half truth.
He then kidded it around again with a senior in branch. Now that man said the righteous word.

She is not wanting too much. She is seeking perfection. :) Perfection. A word that defines everything that I was seeking.

The truth is I'm not seeking anybody intentionally. Perfection itself portrays nobody in particular. It's all about compatibility & complementary. When it's not right, it's not right. Need not try.

It's June already. Need to plan my Kuantan trip fast & a birthday escapade. I really wanna be away in August, hopefully on my birthday.

Read The Kite Runner in a week time. It was a real engaging 1st party narrator novel. Very melancholic it makes me cry all night all week. Looking forward to more of Khaled Hosseini's novels. They will occupy me for sometimes.

 May has been bad. Now we reaches June. Half a year of 2013 has past us by. Now what?
Father Day, Annual Dinner, Father's Birthday, AF audition, Kuantan trip?

I'm seriously tired of all things. I just want to be away.

Relationship Dilemma

Received 2 bad news this weekend. :(
2 besties broke up with their respective bfs. Saw them heartbroken makes mine broke as well. 

  

My confident level in relationship hit pitch bottom after the Chan's incident. Now having seen these two fresh cases made me realized being a sole rider is not so bad after all.

Cuz I could be losing the hope to even find the right soul mate. I've lost faith & trust. I seriously feel that I could end up being gay. hahaha... The alpha female~

I thought they were going strong & were displaying perfect couple image... I thought wrong? Or are the guys not stepping up to the relationship?

I'm not gonna dwell into their relationship. But it affects me knowing my besties are hurt by such foreign matter I barely understand. 

I count myself lucky not to fall into the the wrong relationship just because I wanna escape from loneliness. A list of perfect wanting & a strong foundation of naturally built sensibility saved me from a false hope. Also not to forget some good advise from some fwens I found comfort in. 

However, the mind is week & when the heart lusts & desires for affection, the principle of survival from heartache might not work. Even though the mind doubted the sincerity, the heart says give it a try. I guess in my case the head rules, assisted by my pride & dreams. 

While I was calming a fwen the other day, I gathered my thought on my wanting. She questioned me about my wanting in a boy & I told her & I knew it was the truth. 

I wish my other half was the entire complementary portion of me. 

He is gotta covers my indecisiveness which means I don't mind to let him lead me on where to go, where to eat, be the boss on matters I don't mind given up on. 

He is gotta covers my laziness & unwillingness to complete myself with complicated skills. 

He is the computer master, geeky enough to help me solve all technology matters, read all the electrical devises' catalog, lead me & guide me in life, teach me subjects I rather hear u sing about it than to read all them in Wikipedia myself.  Be my savior. 

In fact he is gotta be my google search & my Edward. To be able to read me & know me.

He must be a good person. A huge subject to explore on... too subjective. 

Down right simple. I could really love a good person regardless of how he looks. But the definition of good is huge. He has gotta be Sami, Nabi Muhhamad & Jesus to really win my heart had he not been good looking at all. 

Of course brilliant, talented bunch of males exude charms & charm is one thing I truly look for in a guy for a good 1st impression. Like beauty to a guy. Having wanting all above mentioned and more, declining options & not accepting chances, I risked seeking none. I'm not a damngodprettywoman to begin with. I'm so flawed, I think I deserved none of what I wanted. 

Extreme ego is a direct measure of the level of insecurity towards a person. I am a walking breathing example of such person. Perfect illusion to safeguard a weak figure. 

See. It's that simple. A perfect wanting list to keep my dear heart protected. 

I will surrender my dignity, pride & beyond for the right person. Be ruled & Be little. But for that, I will risked being vulnerably exposed. I'm saying that if I were to be hurt so bad at my age, I think I would have a difficult time to get healed. Forgive me for being very stingy in sharing my kindness.

LOL

A lot of boys perhaps don't understand cuz those that are lack of experience being just broken a few relationships wouldn't know why certain gals behave the way they were. 

Gals insecurities are parallel with the relationship's intimacy. Gals like it when the partner could tell her emotion & needs by not speaking about it. Cuz the moment they do, they are ready for an argument or a fight. Worst is when they give up. 

Perhaps like many boys out there, you will say how on earth boys could guess the dramas in a gal's head. 

It's a testimonial.
It's either you're willing to learn or not cuz 90% women on earth are like this. The gal didn't ask you to understand her. She wants you to observe her. If you could just put a little effort, you could easily saved ur ass from spitfire. This could be the real difference between like & love. I truly believe that 'when a man loves a woman', man will be most willing to learn her woman like the way he could tell from A-Z about his favourite soccer team (pls check out the song lyric sang by Michale Boltan which speaks nothing but truth)

Anyway, I was kept reminded that I am already 25. I often have the idea I could perhaps or better just live till 50 yrs old. I'm already half way there. I better start chasing~ accomplishments.  XD

Since a very young age ago, I have set my marriage age to 27 or 28. I don't know why I did it. But 28 is my new 25. So there's no rush for a serious relationship. Really? I think so...

I just want my gals to be happy. 

Whoever there, please be kind okay.

Remember that you have mother, sister and future daughter. 

You mess around, karma will have that noted & find its way for a payback.

The night ended with a full moon view purfectly in sync with the stars filled sky.

:)

A happy day. A lot of laughter. 

Seems like this cultural celebrated holy day has spare me with a wonderful time with friends.

Bought another book. I hope it's a good one. 

I don't like false hope.

 

A week of F.U.N. 3 weeks of TORTURES.

We have 5 weeks this month. In order to maximize my fun in 2nd week, I first had to clear my work in week one.

The feeling of ditching my work was a trillion times pleasurable than dumping a boy.

Worried about my sales though but who cares right.

Took a 3 days leave but it seemed a little wasted as those should be here were not around & those promised to come FFK me.  Possibly I was too positive about my planning. Thinking that each and everyone would be as dedicated as me. 

 I am disappointed. Every decision comes with consequences. I too have to make sacrifices. I took leave 1 month earlier once I knew the big day would be 905.

It was a volunteering commitment I made to NTLP & to my friends. 

I am ready to face my abandoned works towering my table once I return.

It knew how difficult it must be for them who FFK me. Their work nature and whatever they are doing must be engulfing them so badly they couldn't compromise. It must be hard.

However, I was still very much delighted to see my juniors on rehearsal & the actual day itself. Fantastic job. I met Elecoxhot, a famous dancing troop in Malaysia. I was star struck when I approached Chris. I blushed. LOL.

Good performances overall. Not gonna touch on the details here. 

The next day was a Super Gathering with all NTLP kakis.

Sadly none of the group photo has my existence. I need to leave early cuz I travel daily. I was really unhappy. I wish I could stay long enough to congratulate the performers and catch up with fwens. I drove to Bangi & back for the first time on Friday. Yay!

The week has been crazy! Bapa reformasi has certainly wooed many fans & the respond from his gathering was overwhelming. 

My week has been fun too however overshadowed by a number of matters. 

I didn't got to see many favourite faces. I'm not keen on surprises. Not many of them are pleasant. FFK me on the last minute prior to the big day is no fun. Either you don't promise or that you confirm much earlier with me, a person who expect your arrival. 

People who say couldn't make it and then pops up somewhere in nowhere is no fun either. Cuz you allow me no time frame to allocate my time to see you if you were at all expecting me.

*
Return to hell right away on the Monday of week 3. The start of ATM week. Cases stuck badly. Acceptance were poor meaning my target was screaming for attention. Customer was chasing after me. I just have no room to breathe. 12 hours work daily needed on ATM week.

Finally, Monday of week 4 arrived. Handled over the shift to the next person. I was so done with those crazy machines. Time to chase bloody cases. The week was all about rush. Pushing sales. The worst sales of the year. I have never been this bad. :( :( Fear was accelerating. Ego was literary shamed.

SIGH! PMS lagi... the week was very cruel to me. I'm not sure if public holiday on weekday is a good thing now. Less a workday on weekday meaning chances to go back to work on weekend is higher.

I'm definitely going back this saturday. There goes my life. FML. Such bitch u life.
I haven't touch Edward for a long time. :( :(
I sympathized myself.

 Depressing. 1XFUN; 3XTORTURES. Unfair.

As 6th of May approaches, outrage of annoyance & hatred among people in internet happens. 

It seems obvious dirty tricks are used & supposedly win counts turned out to be incorrect & results overturned. 

This is what I save myself from. However my heart still ache as deep inside I knew I was cheering on the oposition. I saw how excited my fwens were & how close we are in collapsing the current leadership. 

Shame on our democracy. Shame on us. In fact I started to shiver knowing that our government is capable of doing all these unforgiving acts under microscope & yet still deny with naked lies. I completely lost my respect to u.

I am utterly disappointed.

I'm so sorry to those who casted their vote for a change. Know by heart that you guys have truly won. 

U guys have won a union. The current dictator will eventually fail. 

A change is seen. A change has happened. We all know that! 

It was only denied physically by false manipulation by filthy democracy. 

It cannot be ever denied by heart, each & everyone of you that the wise one has won, big one. 

Keep calm & be safe for the week being.

I feel so sad.... It feels like something I like being taken away... It's like losing a crush...
I wanna cry... :(

GE 13th

Woow.... I'm not done with my Bali trip but hell yesh, imma talk about GE 13th. Wanted to do so much earlier especially when I was being back-lashed by an idiot whom I respect. TGIF!!!

Now that I could forget the world & just write. or spit. Whatever.

505. 2 more days left. The contagious fever of election started since early April. I have to admit I was very into the news when people took it into Facebook. News & updates were spread like viruses overtaking social medias & newspapers. But there's nothing I could do. I didn't register as a voter for the 1st time this year. Yes, I didn't do the right thing but No, you have no right to judge me whether this is right or wrong. 

Say all you want but Imma stand tall on my decision. I'm an observer. No, I'm not on the fence cuz I'm not voting!!! Use the wrong term on me & u're gonna suffers earache. Call me ignorant & well, I will be mad but I will admit it. Why? Simple. I don't think I have the right to choose for myself because I have never study the good & bad of both parties. You could say that I can do it now or that you could tell me. LOL. U must be kidding me. Get outta here. 

This is also why I have not commented much or speak out loud on GE 13. I would just like some posts or keep silence towards whatever fanatic'o GE 13 has to say anywhere. & I'm studying now. Probably not much on how good is each individual party or candidate, but how hatred has got to do with one's attitude & actions. 

I observed how people lose their mind lashing each opposition like they have no mother & how they got so blinded by their preferred choice they could ignore all other facts & matters. 

I have often am afraid of extremist. I calculate not the desire they have to make their dreams achieved but how much damage they could caused to materialize their tall order. 

No offense to each & everyone of you. I personally think that many of us have taken this GE 13 very personally. Instead of fighting democratically, people are lashing out the father, the mother, the son, the other supporters, the historical values, the blurred facts & all things possible to make the other party lose. This is pure pathetic. This is what I'm studying. The values. 

To date, this is the most intense battle of GE of all times. I truly believe oppositions are giving their best shot having been collecting much supports from whole nation thorough the events of these 2 years. Bersih & Bersih 2.0 are much respected events. I wasn't there but I appreciate the effort behind it. I saw & I understand them.

I also understood how this current leader has provoked Malaysians to turn their backs against them. Which is why we saw how much cash they thrown out to win this election. Their tactic is simple. Brainwashing through repetitions of reminders. Flags, billboards, newspapers, flayers, calling, messaging, talks.... they articulates into your semi-conscious mind set- like branding a new product. Strategy. 

I'm not saying that I don't believe other dirty tricks the current leader is using... These whole drama of bringing bangla to the country, disposable ink, using fake ID, unregistered ID, duplicate ID, auto registered ID... Absurd? I don't know. Any of you see that with ur own eyes? Or you just read it in a shared post? Ever wonder where does that shared post came from? No. But you keep sharing em! That makes you so stupid!

I buy facts. I'm not denying them. Catch them rightfully & do something about it. Can't there be anything that somebody could do? Even the temporary citizen IC could be photographed & share wildly in FB, Can't somebody who share that take this to justice? Unless you say this is not wrong legally lar...

 So, where is your judgment? 

& Fanatic supporters... please grow up. You're now supporting democracy & purity in casting a vote to choose the right party as your new government. The citizen's right to vote. Bullshit. You say one thing, you act another thing. You shout your lungs out to whoever & wherever for your support towards your favourite party but you deny others' right to support theirs. Very simple evidence & example if you may. 

Michelle Yeoh has openly declared her support to her choice of champion using her star power as influence. See how she got treated? Being call names & whole lotsa accusation & nasty things you say about her. For whatever reason she did that, nobody knows. What I did know is her rights is in her hand. She has the freedom to speak & her choice to support. What is the hell wrong with you critics? Obama uses the same tactics. Every democratic leaders uses star power!

This woman has made Malaysia famous even before you were born or even contributing towards the country. She is Malaysia's gem prior to that statement & now you're trashing her this way? I despise you. In fact, I look down on you. I felt extremely awful for her that she has to go through all these just because she did something she think is right. & Let me clear you mind, she has never spoken any bad things on the opposition. & Yes, she has to suffer rude comments from you brainless freaks. Shame on you people. Dammit. You don't know how to respect human rights, let alone choosing for your own champion in GE13. 

Along the conscious years I've spend knowing that I live under the leadership of you-know-who, I understood  the inequality of benefits that Malaysian shares. I know these are not right. But these are all lessons. I don't get effected much, I didn't feel the pain some people suffer. All these are learned along the years & I observed. 

Of all the bads, aren't we ever bath with the goods? Ever? Cross your heart & swallow your pride and answer me? Ever? Nothing good? Think again.

Maybe not enough. Now people are raged & are turning away noting that there's a potential winner that could change this subdued leadership. A new hope to the country. A new change. Why am I not part of this? How do I see it? I see uncertainty. I see lack of convincing facts. I don't blame them cuz they hardly could perform under suppression by current leader. But I saw good stuff they have done. Proud in fact.

Them having been able to unite races & nationwide supporters & their power to bind supporters speaks louder than any recognition social medias are giving to the current leadership. 

Then why am I not rooting for this group? 

Every vote counts! I could be the one that change the country's future!!!! Rights?!

Big joke. Well, it's true. 

What if I tell you despite all truth & facts, I would still choose the current leader?

What have you got to say to me? Huh! 

Something like " You bloody idiot, why wouldn't you want to change? You like corruption? You like being the 2nd privileged citizen? You like no growth in the country? You like no justice? So you like the Man & his wife lar? "

LOL... so you wanna influence me to go with you on your choice? Then where is my judgment? Hence, all these comes down to how well I have prepare myself to this election. I don't wanna vote blindly!!!

Voting blindly equal to siding one party while in hesitation that I could wanted the other one & later on regret over the matter. I am an indecisive person & it wouldn't help at all. Blame the universe. I am created that way.

Some told me that I can still register, go vote but make it as a broken vote.  I was like what in a world are you still living? So, all in all am I proud for not voting this year? No! Am I regret not registering as voter? Yes! But I save myself from misery. It's too huge a bet for me to place. I'm very much intimidated. I am not convince how clean this whole election would be. You know what you want, I have yet.

I'm actually quite overwhelmed by the respond of Malaysian over this GE 13; Regardless of whom they are supporting & how they wish to go by it. Haters gotta hate. You can call me anything you want; wouldn't change the fact that I wouldn't be able to vote this year. Ignorant la... watever la... 

Do I care? A little ~ only because I know that you don't respect my choice. 

Call yourself democratic? I don't think you're worthy of it either. 

So, may the best man & his team win. Please recall the infamous event of May 13th 1969.

For all those who wholeheartedly know whom they wanted to win & leads a brighter hope for Malaysia, I wish you the best & be peaceful & be safe. 

Lastly, don't be ridiculed over this piece of shit. If you terasa, it's only because you see yourself in this one way or another. 

I love Malaysia. I might not be fulfilling my job as a Malaysian yet but I'm learning.

Give this fool a chance to learn this the right way. 

***

I'm surprised how people got much artistic in presenting their ideas being channel out. 

GE13 didn't just bring out the best supports to their teams, it brings our the best creativeness of advertisement. 

:P  

Particularly in favour of slogans~ Ubah! Ini Kali Lah!!! 

Shoot... gotta work tomorrow T.T Lengthy enough.

Night!!!

Edward & I

Yea... Like seriously, Edward & I gonna be real intimate~

LOL

Adrenaline madness. 

Which is why I often don't let myself get so lonely for a period that long. A prolong Karaoke sick of mine initiated a soul meditation where I reviewed those 4 month's time that I have spent. Nothing musically ever taken place. Wow! It scared me when I found my art box literary buried in dust in a place I found surprisingly & distinctively near to me but left untouched. It also scared me when I do my calender checking and May is gonna come which marks the 5th month of year 2013. Yet I'm doing nothing. Bullshits I've made during the time I knew I was gonna get grounded in Seremban were all dead. Where have I been to? Where is Jcdagreat?

I was Chai Jo Yan, the banker & it sucks. 

I got my salary credited & I'm itchy to spend some cash. What's more better to spend on than those that you wish to buy for such a long long time. The real kicking point is that I've finally decided on what to buy. 

So yesh, I wanna fulfill my yearn to read lately, again~ regained due to loneliness. & I wanna start this music thing again. 

Didn't managed to get The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom. Dammit. The only left was a broken book. Being very rational & freaking perfection on certain matter, I couldn't force myself to buy something which is not perfect. I'm spending my hard earn money on it, & consumer right's wise, I did made the righteous decision. Arghh.... So hating my personality now. I almost brought it home.

I knew the guitar price ranging quite vastly depending on brand & quality. I should have ask opinion & even bring along a musically inclined person to judge on my choice. But it seems for a person like me who is indecisive, I thought having another person idea is just gonna make the matter worst. I knew if I don't buy it now when the kick comes, my sensibility on financial planning gonna come into the picture. 

Or I might as well go back to keyboard. Something I couldn't make up my mind on earlier. 

Thus, I bought baby Edward home. Proud & happy. I am a little intimidated by my partially burned desire to stay focus on this guitar lesson but noting that I've spent huge chuck on this baby, I will work my ass off for it. I promise to pick it up fast as I believe it will train my main instrument, my vocal to be better. 

Yay. Now I can... soon, play myself a love song. Yearn no more for any guy to play me one cuz I often thought one of the sweetest thing a guy could do is to play the girl her fav love song & dedicate it openly to her. 

*foreveralonesmirk* 

Thinking about it, I'm closing one more door for an open relationship. I restricted this myowngame's rules. Boygal romantic stuff aside, it has often frustrated me when you have to depend on a musician to play a song for you to sing or perform. Without them is like u're just voice without direction. 

Voice itself has melody & soul but without a music companion, it's not complete.

The last time I faced this problem was when I missed or gave up actually on sending a video to audition for Astro Talent Quest competition. I hated the fact they have a close audition this time, permitted only video audition. It didn't work out the way I wanted to. It was my last chance & I blew it off. 

Anyway, not gonna whine on it anymore. 

May is gonna be exciting.

It's gonna be good. :) 

Bali 3rd day @ KUTA

Beautiful beautiful stretch of a long beach, comfy sand walk & lovely blue blendof the sea & sky ~ Fascinating view... 

Crowded yes, but happening. The next time I come, I will try surfing :)

I met the coolest band in Bali fondly known as T-Rex. A full band with 3 singers; sang all kind of genres. 

It was a perfect evening. The best decision we ever made on the day itself. Me wanting to let my girls noe about the cafe, the girls were willing to go in & check out the environment.

Kalah HardRock Cafe Malaysia!

:) Slept very late at night ~ The next day was our last day. Very reluctant to sleep in. 

The ' I'm Sorry I dump you' Poem LOL

When I was in PLKN, I was approached by a Malay guy who shows interest on me. The 1st guy ever who was actually foolish enough to like me. But well, X jadi la... long story. I didn't dump him, but I eventually say no~ & I felt awful. Then this year came another stupid fellow who made me feel bitchy enough to do so again. Sorry la... & you can bet my efficiency in BM has never fail me... This was written in year 2006. 

Maafkan Ku

------------------

Maafkan diriku

Wahai dikau yang setia

Tempoh yang terlalu singkat ini

Aku mengenalimu, merapati dirimu, manyanjungi mu

Namun dikau telah menaruh perasaan terhadapku

Membuatku resah, risau, rimas

Namun jauh di sudut hatiku

Aku gembira dan teruja

Tidakku mengerti apa daya tarikanku

Engkau makin terjebak

Engkaulah yang pertama

Si adam yang menyanjungiku, meminatiku

Sehinggakan engkau melafazkan cintamu

Aku masih bingung

Kehilangan arah tujuku

Mencari keikhlasanmu &

Kebenarannya

Maafkan diriku

Tiada kuduga inikan terjadi

Tidak sanggupku melukaimu

Tidak sanggupku mempermainkan hatimu

Engkau yang kian serius

Pertaruhkan cinta dan hati

Membuatku rasa dihormati & dihargai

Namun pengorbananmu terlalu besar

Jurang diantara kita terlalu dalam

Persefahaman kita masih cetek

Cabaran & dugaan pasti ditempuhi

Maafkan diriku

Daku yang tidak mampu menerimamu

Daku yang tidak mampu memberimu komitmen

Daku yang melukai hatimu

Daku yang tidak mengerti hatinya sendiri

Engkau yang daku hargai

Aku cuma mampu berterima kasih

Atas segala layanan & kasih yang dikau taburkan

Namun,

Aku tetap mendoakan kebahagianmu

Serta kejayaanmu

Akanku terus mengingati mu yang terunggul

Kerana dikau yang terlalu istimewa

Hanya satu kupohon

Agar memori kita tidak terkubur saja

Demi persahabatan kita yang terjalin. 

LOL.... Baca balik memang meremang urat bulu tangan & kaki... Tapi bahasa ku hebat hebat belaka kan...

That was then. Though this time around I still feel bad of being bad, but if u expect me to write something like this to commemorate you? Sorry, I will post to you @ hell. Previous one was a sweet bad dump & this time it was a right bad dump. >o<. 

Yes, I'm trying to make myself feel better & No, I'm not sorry for that. 

Let me recall the names... the 1st guy was P-Joe. He called himself that. I don't know his full name.

2nd was Chan WTF. I don't know his full name either. LOL.... A joke to myself.  

Night y'll XDXDXD

 

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Ahhhh.... My Bali blog is gonna take forever to be finalized. 

Maybe I shud just forget bout it....LOL After all, blogging is just sharing. All these memories are well kept alive in my head. Right? Right? Well, We will see how this goes.

I wish to chip in some heartfelt. I wish to talk a lot of stuff. In fact, so many issues & inner voice I wish to blog about & get someone to hear them up.

When I was very young, making friends was a must. I will do anything to get anybody to be my friend. That was me in primary. When I was in secondary school, I enclosed myself to only a group of friends. A few of them was brought along from primary school. I was the loud gal who laugh like there aint no tomorrow. I have many friends or so I thought. But I have a close gang I kept. In five years time, I have the bff status tag on several gals & the priority spot got changed several times. Along the way I found myself knowing more people I like & we got very comfortable with each other. All were girls. Until I went to Form 6. 

There I found myself exposed to another sexual being ever created by the name of god. 

Slowly I got used to being with males but it took some time for me to even feel normal. Those 2 years were the best years I had in schooling until I enrolled myself in Uni. Despite the 'hardship" I have dealt with, everyday in school was joyful. I faced a hard truth notifying that a friend could leave you for real when she actually like other friends better no matter how much good stuff we shared. 

Maybe I have done that too, I just didn't realized that or maybe I don't bother. 

When I was in Uni, I was super active with activities taking place whole year long for the whole 3 years. 

I have met many mates from as far as everywhere & my name was huge too. Those active fellas in Uni will recall my name or my face too.

Well, I often am ambitious enough to mark my name in all places I have been. Hopefully for the good reason. Thus far, none for the wrong reason yet. Maybe soon. In Uni, I have mates from all groups. kolejmate in where I stayed, facultymate, coursemate, activities mates.... Some people managed to leave an impact & we became besties. Some remain distanced which I couldn't even recall the names. 

Some I tried my best to win their acceptance, some I tried to impress, some I put effort to maintain. All sort.

But as I grow elder, I realized that some mates are just there to build the structure of my memories. 

Slowly, I began to delete & lose out all the faces in FB that I kenot recall or that I don't think I would ever wanna meet up with.

I wanna start prioritize. Deep in heart I know who they are. But seriously, they are just too many. Not sure how many of them feel the same way. I used to care if they put me 1st as best gf the way that I do...how innocent. LOL. I no longer need this kind of security. Cuz well, we can't put a freeze onto something so intangible. It's more about mutual care & understanding that both person are willing to share. 

New friends comes along everynow & then. Old friends leave & some gone too long & are forgotten. 

 I am now pretty sure I'm choosy on subsequent friends that I want & need. Especially after meeting the jerk/my worst nightmare some months back. I had my hands fully occupied on existing ones which I can't even find time to spend time with. Replacing is not an idea. 

I no longer tag my besties as bff really. There are friends in need, friends who share good times, sad times, consultation, friends in memories, constant meet up friends, texting friends, ~ etc. 

Those who befriended me much earlier said that I'm a changed person. I am no longer the person they used to know. I wonder what are they trying to mean by that but change is good.

People often label me as immature, childish, playful & crazy girl at school. But did you ever think for one moment why am I acting such way? No ba... Cuz very often they will just be hey, be serious a bit la... 

 ~ Particularly this one gal I met & called bff last time. She aged much ahead of us & the smartest one among my gang. She came back into my life recently & I found it slightly difficult to accept her as some one who I can meet up regularly & talk like a long lost friend. I was reluctant to chat, or even fix a date to meet her up. & She did nothing wrong. Time & distance segregated us &  I already have enough. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't already have enough time for necessary people or even myself.

& I'm breaking free from negative, overly calculative, tricky/selfish & self adsorbed kinda people. 

I have enough negative energy to kill 10 of me. I'm serious.

I hardly am this immature/childish/crazy gal now. Maybe that was the change.

I'm no longer the cheerful, warming at first sight kinda person I used to be. 

However, no matter how things change, no matter what will ever happen

Nothing could deny my 17 years of friendship with Lee Yoke Shan. She is the 1st friend I ever know, ever love, forever 1st.......... 

We have been through a lot babe :). I hope you feel your importance though not physically, but yes, 

deep in my delicate heart. Hey, did we promise each other to get married together with our spouses? I hope not cuz I could wait for some years still XD 

Many more 17 years ahead okay. :) 

Happy bufday to you.