I know I shouldn't be here. But the pressure is too high I cant restrain myself to drop by.
Suffocated. Like real suffocation! Since my grandpa's death, I refrained myself from being emotional in front
of anybody. I swallowed everything. I thought I'm already okay. However, every time someone talks about him, it reminds me about him that he no longer alive. I got teary.

Now, someone closer to me than my grandpa, my father & my brother will soon leave me alone too.
My dog, my life companion for 11 years is suffering from aging health issue. His hind legs are weakened, so badly that he has difficulty standing up. Very soon he will lose his ability to walk. His breathing got difficult as standing up takes him great effort. It kills me seeing him like this. No pain is greater than this. Still I need to take it all in and try to carry on whatever I can still do. I'm living in denial. I know he won't get any better. But I really wanna make the best out of this and keep him as long as his wanted to. Despite his weakness, he is still responsive & eating. I cant put him to sleep in this condition. I'm living everyday in fear. I'm not sure if I can still see him in the morning or the next call I received from my mom is that my dog is dead. Life can be really cruel. Maybe this is a punishment? The fact that I disowned god when I was little? Everything happened too many too soon. I'm too weak to cope with all these anxiety & challenges, all by myself.

A day of happiness bring me a day of sadness. I haven't even have time to digest all good things on the 31st then came surprises on the 1st. Again it concludes my negativity has a solid facts to it.

Exam coming this saturday. I'm not in the best position to focus in it. I wanted to just fail it and have more time for me & my baby but ego shut the idea down. I'm sick of myself.
Time to leave u. Come back to you on Sunday. Hopefully, my baby would still be around. :(