.....

I guess i really have been hiding and lazying for a good long time. Hmmp how many months have I been away from being viewable?

Well im just being dramatic. So short of time. So many things has or going to happen.

Only time will tell if those things are good or bad.
My Biz M got promoted to another branch as branch manager. While internal promotion got my OIC to become new biz M. Already foresee many disturbances and changes in negative ways. I dont wish to stay put in this hellish place too.

While, same old same old.
I have been feeling grey as usual.
Nothing too fancy.

Still wondering how much my boy loves me.
Still wondering how to love and be loved.
Without meeting mutual needs, how long can we last?

Sometimes when i look at you and i feel so unsure of us.
There is so much love i have for you but i dont know which way to channel to you.
While i continue to wonder why am i having this feeling that you dont love me enough.

How enough? What is enough you may ask?
When you feel it is enough, that is enough.

I feel so lacking.
You resisted to feed me assurance.
I dont know why.
I wonder by the time you tell me that you love me, we have probably lose this fight.

There were times i teared up when i think about us, because the idea of breaking up crosses my mind.
It hurts me to even think about it. This detachment would destroy me.

I suppose breaking up with someone you love is harder than breaking up with someone who loves you more.
The empathy bond is easier to break than a addictive bond.

I have tried to convince myself to find the hidden 'i love u' sign in everything you say or do. So little reference. So little indicators.
I am really tired. Im so very tired.
Everything is taking a toll on me.
People that i wasnt given the option to choose.
And they werent very kind.
Everything is so stressing but please dont be you.

I shouldnt be stressing over your unquestionable love for me.
I should be celebriting everytime someone ask about us.
I should be lighted up whenever i speak of you.

The thought of breaking up got me chocked up.
Does it ever cross your mind too?

Dear love,

Im a deprived being and im sorry if i make you suffocate too.
Im like a black hole that sucks you away from being you.

If this denied yearning and self doubts continues, i am scare that i will make the wrong decision.

Either way we may end up making the wrongest decision.
But i dont want you to be wrong.

I love u, still.

You have start to pick up a new hobby. Something that doesnt involve me cuz i have no expertise on and we dont see me wanting to pick the interest up.

The new hobby requires your focus and dilligence and time investment. Im happy that you find your passion.
But will that passion require you to sacrifice our already sacred time together?

It feels like de javu...
Will we continue to drift apart?
:(

My funny valentine.

My unconventional boyfriend.

Our 1st. I wish it is not the last.

I hope that everytime i cry you would cradle me just like yesterday.

It was the safest embrace i ever had.

I dont want to cry because of you or us.

Im sorry i couldnt shake the mood away.
I was so bothered by yesterday stubornness and my ego. Then she has to come in the picture and ruin my day. Why must she ruin my day?! What did i owe you??

With the stupid delayed period and these unneccessory disturbance, i got so caught up with emotion. I cant see pass them. Im not happy with it. I just want to have a good day with my baby.

I dont have many days like that. I have countable hours. I need my assurance fed. I dont want to share these hours with others.

Please help me.
How do i fix this?

Instead of really just enjoy the times we had, i end up spoiling my own date.

Im sorry dear.

Im so suffocated.

We dont know how to love each other the right way.

Thanks for your sweet gesture to my mom. I know it is out of your comfort zone.

You are a good man.
And i love you.

But i would like to have less days questioning if you do love me the same.

May we have more great dates ahead so that every date is my valentine's day.

So that i dont fuss any specific date that i couldnt have enough or not celebrated.

My bff said that me and my boyfriend is in a crisis.

Haha... what a brilliant way to call the situation'ship'.

Despite the fact that i truly love him. And the fact that he said he do too.
Wait. He never say he loves me.
Words are cheesy huh? So, he is a man with action.
But with limited action so i guess at times i feel it, many a time i dont.

I dont believe it wholeheartedly. I really would want to. But i dont know how for now. I dont even know if this is my insecurity issues or lack of convincing actions by le bf.

I was touched when he drove me to hq interview last wednesday all the way from tampin to seremban and to KL. A short paktor date. I was more looking forward to our short paktor date than the exploratory interview. The interview could be a big deal, could be not. But i dont think i present myself too well. More like a lecture in the room.

This is how rare our dates are. So sacred. So precious.
Despite the fact that we worked under the same roof and that his physical hometown is 45 min from mine.

When logics came into the debate against defenses that my heart keeps throwing in, i become very unbalance.

I just cannot deny that a lot of times i really feel lonely. And i wonder after the talk we had on that evening, will things get better?

I will never force you do things that you wouldnt do. But if that is the right thing to do, you might need to perhaps work on your comfort zone and weight on the importance of them. Maybe you have yet to have confidence in our relationship. That is the only reason i could name which loosely translate that you dont love me that much... hmmp. Maybe i think too much but this is exactly how i feel. Do you ever feel that i love you any less? You will only feel i love you too much. Feeling cant lie.

I dont bug you too much on daily basis cuz i know you dont like it. While you dont know how to make me feel secure... maybe you just dislike doing that.
You got better things to do than to make your gf feel good eventhough she dont see you daily.

I dont know if this is the way you love your gurlfriend. Maybe your ex never demanded too much from you. But i dont want to be your ex and im not your ex yet.

When a woman feel something is off, mostly it is true. When i feel that you dont love me, you either dont love me enough. Or you just dont.

You have not even date me for vday.  You may be a traditional man with no excitement to all these dates or anniversary. But if you dont expect me to expect that i wish to spend those days with you, then we are really in a serious crisis. I even have to remind you that i have friends waiting for me if i am available on Vday. I dont want to spend the day wasted feeling alone when i actually have a bf. If that is so, your presence have no value to me. Or i guess maybe it is my presence that possess no value to you.

We dont get to spend much time together. Thus specific datings becomes crucial to me.
Last year you wish me happy valentine day on 11.45pm after i came out watching deadpool with my bestfriend. We were stuck in the phase of courtship then.
But if this year you make me wait for your invitation but only to dissapoint me and do the same as last year. I will break up with you.
To prevent this catastrophic event, i have alerted you on my back up plan. And demanded you to tell me if you would want to spend the day with me. If not please do tell me earlier.
Now, am i being overwhelming?
Have i not been kind and considerate?
Im giving my bf a way out for him to excuse himself shall he not wanted to spend vday with me.

To be honest, having a bf doesnt mean you need to have him in my every day life. But if having bf but still living like i have nobody, then something must be wrong. He become merely like a good dreams which visited me some days in a month.


Help me to understand this.
I dont know how to calm mountains of questions and discomfort.
We have talked many times about this. The outcome are still the same.
At the end i only got myself to blame cuz i demanded too much.

Maybe im just needy.
Im sorry.

Help me battle this inner devil.

I set myself a new FB page. 

Instead of spamming my wall i can spam a page of which people will choose to stay put with my random wisdom quotes, by willingness.

Lmao.

I have wanted to do it for a long time.

I love poetic. But im no way close to Lang leav.

And i have so much things to talk about but not many of them can be publicly discussed. And all my friends are so far away from me. Imagine a book full of lives but sitting in a shelf with no attention given. Yea... that is me. 

And my blog is far from any sign of positivity. 

Thus it has been refrained from being share out and im hiding it time to time to prevent satelites and loud speakers to tell everyone my unpublic love story. 

Yet. Not yet. I dont know how and why and when it would be. Dont ask me. Decision is not in my hand. 

Leo has always been open. I would have wanted the world to be happy for me that im lovingly attached. I would love to share how nice it has been to finally call him mine. Or yet. Of cuz along with many hiccups and some dramatic nonsense and pms posts with lotsa unspoken sourness from just my point of unfair views. 

Im just playing along the rules.

The volcano is still young and immature. Before it stabilizes i guess it is wise everyone leave this volcano alone to work out its things. 

Yes. Let us work out fine and when things is finally right, my man will proudly acknowledge and announce our romance accordingly.

I bet he wont. But we will see. 

Does it matter?

As an assurance to my insecurities and my pride, yes it does matter.

...

I think i dont just have ocd. Im developing cronic multiple personality disorder too. Muahahaha...

Before the kind and lovely joanne came back into the picture.. imma gonna post this out and unprivate my account again. 

So long beaches. 😏👿

Our dates do not come easy. So it makes so much sense for me to have every date a highlight. Silly me. I wonder if this happen to other people too.

Im so happy with most Sunway Velocity has to offer. Both the accommodation and the mall.

And of course him.

I love it when you smile and started to take care of yourself.

Posting this made me miss you already.

There will be another long break before we can pamper ourselves again. :(

Sales convention is this coming weekend and you would be occupied with people and functions.

Take good care and relax dear.

He doesnt really like taking photo and being taken in photo. So these are all candid shots.

I was very moody after you sent me home. And the talk we had about the problem im facing made me certain that i did not choose the wrong guy.

You are not just a listener, you are a thinker. You solve problems.

You can be reliable if you care and im glad im in the priority list. 

Thank you dear.

If only i can have more of you instead of just hearing most of you.

2017/2018. Wishing upon the stars.

Happy Birthday Love

Thank you Mrs Koo for such a beautiful man you made him be. 

Bless him with good health and happiness for him to continue your legacy, to care for the family.

He is a wonderful sweet family boy :)

I will support his route to recovery and continuous passion to be well in life, as long as i am capable of.

Checked in on the eve of new year to Ibis Style KL hotel after much negotiation with babe for which accomodation to choose from. He said must get the best deal wor... I made a special noting to the hotel that we have a birthday boy and we came into the room with this view. 

I was laughing so hard and was jumping around. I think i was more amused by it than it surprises my boy. But he kept the balloon fight on and obviously i was the victim. Ciss... i provided him bullet to knock me out.... notty ass. 

Feast for my king.

New year at Mid Valey. We tried the premium GSC seats for the movie All The Money In The World. Damn the seats. Very uncomfortable. Why are the more expensive seats got my back feeling more sore... Hmmp.

We end the day by singing the whole night away. The last time we sang karaoke was in July. The month we almost called it quit. 

Baby has a great voice. Wasted if he does not train it and get it be judged if it could potentially goes somewhere. 

Didnt manage to blow a candle with you this year. Im not even sure if you would want to. But i think a prayer, a warm wish and a sincere thought for your well being and our well being are more delightful.

2017 broke your heart and forces you to be strong regardless you are ready or not. Not a day im okay knowing you are not fine. 

Who are we kidding right?

Recovery is just a word we use to tell people hey, i have move on. Life goes on and i have to brave the world with an obvious heartbreak you cant possibly see but guess what? I have n will continue to live on.

And you would and im not gonna let you face it alone. I thought i couldnt take care of someone else anymore after my dog passed on. 

Never know how love really functions huh? 

It this isnt love, i dont know what it is at all. 

Dear love, i could never replace the most important lady in your life. 

But i hope when you see me, you can see a similar warm, love, confidence and joy in me.

Embrace every low for every celebration because it will never be the same. Be brave.

2018; to ensure and help my love rise up. Let him and family be protected. Let them be blessed with health and family harmonious.

Blessed my family and let their dreams come true.

And my best friends too... hope they all continue to be well and happy.

Mine? Lets just ensure all of them get what they wish for while ill take care of myself. 

I just seek for the luxury of freedom for space n time to travel places with my love. 

That would be very nice. 

Im not hard to negotiate with. Im not greedy for myself. That is a great deal right? 

:)

Im not ready to face 2018.

But i cant wait to detach 2017 either.

So i kinda stuck in this stuffy buffer period and thank goodness im not working these 2 days.

Happy marriage Woon Pei Chen. Sorry i missed your wedding. I wish nothing but the very best marriage life ahead of you. You sweet petite bunny, be happy always okay?!

2017;  a year of loss and gain.

I dont know how life judges its nature and how it truly works. The best person might not be able to get to live longer while the innocents cant be exempted from sickness and pain. And then there are us striving to live and not always being contented.

And there are others who couldnt get passed dramas, traumas... 

Life is too short. You never know it is over until it is too late. Some people never get to say goodbye.

Yet many of us take it for granted of what we already have. Sinners. When will i learn too?

2018 resolution! Lets just keep things simple.

1. Work out lar... 52kg in 3 months.

2. Promotion by year end.

3. Dress well to work every fucking day!

30 is my new 27!

Kthxbai. Ciao!

Made my love a special dedicated gift.

I hope he loves it.

He has demanded not to have any gift or surprise.

No special celebration or whatsoever.

Hmmp. All planning to go on budget. 

Save for emergency.
Omg! Mana mia rumah orang tua this old soul came from?

Dear...
You didnt make it easy on me. Not doing anything is a no no for leo. Im more excited for your birthday than my own. If you put a scale and measurement on what can or cannot be done, it will restrict my creativity on how i can execute my inner passion to make your day.

But i know this year, laying low is a better option as a respect to your family. I promise to unleofied myself. But no next time.

It has been the longest since i ever plan for anyone's bday or make so much effort to pull this off.
So next time just let me okay?

Im learning many things through you. All of my ignorants are gonna be expelled soon. Thanks to you. A lady being too independant is not a good sign too yea. Haha...

My last day at work.
Old work debts are not paid.
Such ironic.

Walking out from bank defeated. Admitting defeat to time and my fatique n sickness. Dizzy for the whole of the day. Mc for the past 2 days. Being the last soilder walking out of the warzone i consider myself a winner. Hmmp. I even forgotten the plan to take a last day at job 2017 selfie.

Sudah la...
Sudah tua.
X de mood selfie with makeupless face + sick cat mia face. Langsung no selera. Lolz

Gotta dig deep n find new passion to work next year. Climb some ladders and show some power. Sudah jadi dead fish 2 years dy.

Mari lah.

The one who excel during difficult times is the gloriest one. The only chance to replace old shit with new shit.
I hate my current old shit works.
Huhu... new shits possibly come with more pay n bonus. No harm trying kan.

Come la promotion. Hr see me please. Boss bias me pls. Haiz.

Time to really dress well.