So what's up?

Been stressed up yes.
Been released... yea in some way.

Period still stuck in a hole. Pathetic period stubborness.

It was an emotional turbulance some days back when i finally come clean about my desire to pull back and stop the unnessary drama.
It would mostly be one sided effort though but he respected my decision.
I guess thats for the best for now and for our future undertaking. Things would be better.
It is uneventful and definitely will not solve a thing. But no harm trying.
Since im not happy with what you are proposing. Y not try my way.

Im happy seeing siew win came back and having this passion to assist in NTLP this year. For her, im willing to travel and accomodate to her. Seeing her back to her powerful feline cat mode i felt empowered too. Best if Hooi Ling can be here too.

Then my batch would be complete.
It has been 6 yrs since i become a senior.
I still remember vividly when i was being judge and the whole nervous and scary environment. Ofcuz the uncomfortable band room condition.

The best damn years of my life.
Still was. And i duno how have i lived the last 6 years so lifelessly.
So many variable event for the past 6 years but nothing beat one journey at all against the short ride of 3 years i had in ukm.
So said my dear Siew Win.
Both biggest activities for Chinese community in UKM i have conquered.
Gloriously.

Everytime i talk to juniors.
I didnt ask them to do what they should do.
I asked them to enjoy and try your very best to get the best of it while you can.

Because i miss it everyday.
I miss me very much.
The happier me. The most contented me.

I knew i can never go back.
I kenot re experience it all over.
But i can make everday counts and readjust my priorities so i still have the same satisfaction with coming obstacles.

Short term goals.
* Coldplay march 31st at singapore.
* Get my house renovated.

Seing my old photos i realised how ugly i was in my heydays.
Got pretty too late.

Immaturity.
Despite being at the ripe age of 29.
I think im pretty unorganized and inmature.

I kept them very well.
Only unleash negativity within my own comfort of space here. I know its unhealthy.

But these feeling and emotion. They are mostly temporary. Keeping them here are safer than unleashing em else where.

The unfiltered zone.
Place where i keep myself balance.
Everyone has a buble to keep sadness and craziness.
It has to go somewhere. B4 it burts or gone haywired.

Some scream out loud.
Some sing it out.
Some dance it off..
Some sleep it away.
Some drink it down.
While i just write it free flow off my mind.

Things i couldnt tell you.
Things i decided better just keep to myself.
Things arent important and dont matter to else lives.

Friends are protected from my negativity.
People who i care are sheltered from toxicity of my head.
You dont deserve all this mess.

Here is my play ground. Place where negativity found its grave. Where its solitude rest assured.

Im sorry.
Things i wrote here i seek no clarification.
Its a form of detachment.

This place used to be a home of glory. Things about my performance journey and happy memories.
Now it has gone somber. Grey and unnerving.

Today is the last day of Cny 17.
Guess it serves no purpose at all.
2nd month in 2017.

Its time to wake up. Jc.
Wake up dagreat.

Gf for rental for this Valentine's Day.

* im jokingly serious about this*

- Rm520 for a candle light dinner.

- Gentlemen only. Banana prefered.

- 3 hours max plus a movie if u're not boring.

- No smoking. No alcohol. 

- No sex. No kiss. Cuz im too expensive.

- Why me?

* Independent. I can drive me home. Tqvm.

* Have a good voice. I can sing u lullaby.

* Terlebih 3mm for a pair of eyes. 

   I can cry with you. For you. And bcux of you.

* Average height with tiny waist. 

* A dreamer. 

   Tell me yours and imma see stars in you. 

   With you.

* I can write a poem of you (lol).

* Your best buddies will be jealous of you.

* Your crushes will be sorry that u're taken.

* Your ah ma will be very happy u're wanted.

* Your dog will love me too. Duh...

* Conversation in english only.

* Speak your sincerity out loud.

- Wont entertain PM cuz u bor dick.

* Spray some cologne and im your date for the     

   evening. 

* In case u're still undecisive, this is my non make 

   up face je... 💋

Ahahahahahahaha... 

One is the loneliest number therefore 

One is always the champion.

It makes no sense but why so serious :)

Adios! #yolo

7th day of CNY - Unpost
---------------------------------------
Same date last year.
The 7th day of Chinese Lunar year.
How wonderful the whole history repeat itself before my eyes.

I let you go and you took it.
I wont want it any other way.
Nothing should overtake family's priority.
Im not a bitch. I was not mad that i was not chosen.
It was how you executed it that pissed me off.

I watched Space Between Us with cky.
Last year Chor 7 was Valentine's Day and i spent it with him too.
Was it coincidence or that he was destined to be my saviour?

A lovely movie. Got me tear up when the gud bye scene came up. Im a sucker for these movies. Still nothing beat The Fault Of Our Stars.
I felt chocked up every time i wish to move on from what we had.

Moving on is our only solution before things turn sour.
Because that is the only way we can still be best of friends.
Dont ruin a beautiful friendship by our selfishness.
I could do it once. I can do again.

I dont wanna act all crazy on you. Behaving like a mad angry gf of yours when im not even one.
I dont want you to be all caring checking up on my well being and wishing me goodnight if you dont even wish to be the special man in my life.
Dont keep me expecting with your inconsistence effort.

I dont wish you to half trying not certain and doubting things. You dont have to pick up these duties thinking you have obligations to treat me good. I dont entitled extra good from you. And you dont need these extra pressure as well. There is alot of way to appreciate someone kindness.
There is a lot of way to repay kindness.

I cant even tell you what im angry with and what im not happy about us because we have nothing between us.

You have no responsibility over it. Now i even feel that you have no rights to know it. Because i no longer wanna share it with u. Opening up is a phobia to me and i chose you to be part of it cuz you were listening. You care to listen. You care to know.
But now i wish to just keep it close to myself.
Thats when i know the detachment is on its way.
Anyway... thats a great quality of you. You make people talk their mind. It aint because you specifically wish to listen to mine. Its just ur ability, a gifted quality u have in you.

Space between us.
Distance between us.
Is not just 45 min away anymore :(

You are a realist.
Im a dreamer.
You believe in certainty.
I believe in chemistry, choices.
You forecast futures.
I wish to live in the presence.
You seek for compatability.
I trust in efforts. Efforts! Consistence efforts!

If you wish for a miracle,
You must 1st walk the talk.
Dont just talk. Talk is cheap.

Time waits for no man.
You await a better tomorrow.
I dont think time has mercy on me.
Timing is a bitch.

If you dont see my values, lets not waste time.
Lets be okay.
Lets be fine.
Let the better days be upon us.

You thought that not deciding and making the wrong choice is a way to prevent hurting me.
You have no idea that what is happening now is hurting as hell too. Perhaps not making the decision is one of your ways to prevent things you couldnt handle or dont wish to face.
With that you push away happiness that could be happening. You doubted it.
With that you push me away.
Maybe u wish me to prove to you.
You wish to see my effort?
But i thought you know me. You knew i had give you the green light. But you are suspicious?

:/ im so tired.
Im not happy.
The song from Sam Lee Kao Jin speaks loudly about my feeling right now.
Let me work out my mind set.
When a leo falls in love, it is difficult to detach.
But i wonder how far is this love fetching?
Am i really in love? How do i measure?

What i was very certain then is no more concrete.
Leo is vibrant is attention seeker but its loyal.
The funniest part is when you even question a leo's loyalty. You question a leo's choice.
Hmmp.
Thanks for all the given time. I finally see the concerns you saw earlier.
They are very visible now and the shocking true is i started to wonder if love really mean accepting all differences despite loving the good quality.
I used to believe so long a couple fight for each other and work the differences away will go a long way.
U made me see from your point of view already.

Gosh you made my journey to attempt walking into 1st relationship so fucking harder than i could even imagine.

I can no longer answer all the uncertainties.
Tinder is working suddenly after being page damage or something. Funny dao...its like a perfect time for me to divert the attention.

I care about you as i care about my good friends.
You know where to find me if you need me.
I just need to work out my mind failure in making decision. I can access very nicely as position matters. I couldnt treat you good as a bf. But i can still treat you well as a great friend. I can.

Dont you ever thought that being distance from me will be a cure to my torture. I will hate you if you do that to me. Cuz u add misery to all the miseries that are happening.
My 1st crush stay in my mind for a very long time (infact every crushes, they stay for years) until i found myself liking someone better. You could be half globe away from me but i could be thinking of you 24/7 for months.
This is a leo mental torture of which distance and time cant cure unless we work out a solution.

If you proclaim yourself as a kind person, walk this out with me. You can play a great part in it. But mostly boys they just walk away and leave me stranded. Typical. Since you are the most different and most in touch, just do this diferently.
Promise me. Dont make it harder than it already is.

Maybe i just do not know how to handle this kinda emotion. Grow up JC. Grow old.
29 and single. Cuz im too special. Haha. Nothing beat my consistency in singlehood.

Cheers to my still entitled freedom and to a brighter future. And better mate :)

CNY 2017.. 1st month is officially over.

There u have us! The Upper Six Five 2006/2007.

Celebriting 11th year of friendship. 

I think we have altogether 31 members but these were the ones we manage to gather this year.

The familiar faces are always spot on.

Once yearly gathering i will never missed.

They formed a major part of my life and they have always been louded as my best friends.

My best gals keepers were all here.

The funniest dudes are all here.

Who else could i ask for?

And Ruth manage to come this year making the gathering much more fun. 

In fact, she was the 1st friend i made in U65.

Lovely gal.

Basically CNY to me is just a few public holiday with a lot of rush driving and a lot of things to take care of. A lot of money spent as well. Those previous years were the worst before my dog passed away and before i was mobile.

Thank god i grew up!

Those faces that i wish to meet especially my far away girl friends, i have met :) Im fully satisfied.

The next round we meet could be in 3 months, half yearly or by year end... sigh. I used to have them all near me everyday all throughout the years.

I will miss you all.

I hope you gals realized that not keeping in touch via texting and calling doesnt mean i care any less.

Im weird. Perhaps i fear the fact that if i got so in touch with you via phone but yet i couldnt see you anytime soon... i seriously dont like that feeling.

You guys bring meaning to my life. It started to blossom the day i met you all. And ill be forever grateful.

Home

&

Happiness

It 

Spells

U65

...

1st month 2017 is officially over by today.

Nothing much change.

Seriously not much.

They said dragon is one of the luckiest sign this year.

I hope its good. Just good will do.

All i ever wanted is emotional detachment and physical freedom and some good cash to spend on my special people and traveling.

Only that! 

I suppose im not asking a lot.

Enough health until the ripe year of 50 years old.

Thats all.

Not much right?!

Have not been sleeping well for a few days.

I guess i should just sleep for now and start tomorow fresh and great!

.....

Neglected. As always.

I guess i know where i stand.

Times like this.... signified my importance.

I wish i could tell you what you made me feel but why should i?

You are not mine.

You have no obligation.

That is exactly the problem.

.....

Best of both world.
Diferent kinda shy.
Diferent kinda value sharing.
Both joy and heartache.
Both love and bitterness.
Both are temporary and are passerby.

How unfortunate.
How wasted.

There must be an answer somewer.
I yet to find.

At the end we all give up.
I guess thats for the best.

Before you can love someone. You must 1st know how to love yourself.

And love myself i shall.
Everything is gonna be okay.
Just try to enjoy everyday as it is.

Last week i saw my ex 2nd crush posted a live video on facebook.
He engaged with le gf and i was very happy for him. From his wall and post his gf tagged him of, they seem very loving to each other. And i wishes him well.

When he finally post the video, i suppose his wedding day would be soon and im thinking if he would invite me and the rest of the newtune kakis.
Though we hardly keep contact and his absence on all newtune activities made it even harder to meet one another. But no one should ever doubt i miss him.

We were best of friends. We were all close together. So happy together.
We have been through so many amazing things along our 3 years in ukm. Imagine my shock when siewin told me that she was invited and it seems many of us which were once close to him was not in his mind while enlisting guest to his wedding.

Perhaps i wasnt as important as i thot of him as but the other few close senior and same batch kakis? Arent they special too?

Im very disappointed. And sad to be honest.

Sometimes i wonder if i have been too transparent in my blog. I write everything that crosses my mind.
If they were meant to be spoken, most of the things here shall be filtered.
I thought no one reads me but apparently some does and when ppl terasa or i memang speak of that person in here... please do know that this is the place all the junks end up in. They are not suppose to be taken seriously as this is me barenaked soul clense in a zone out space.

100% real but 100% thoughtless.
It is me with sub zero senses and i shall not be held responsible on all written things.

But i guess ive hurt some ppl over the blog here.
:( im sorry.

This is my playground.
Thus allow me to be frank.
I need some balance. Thus if ure weak and felt like you did me wrong. Please dont read me.