17-01-2014

I've visited a Miracle today. Well, he hasnt been named yet. Thus I shall called him Miracle.

The girl I'm closest with in the bank whom I met on the 1st day itself & became best friend gave birth to Miracle on the 13th of January. He was 3 days early. Guess he wanted to see the world much earlier. 

He chooses 13th. The day my baby left. Before my mind wander far enough to suggest wild & incredible theories, I was delighted enough to inform everyone else in the bank. She texted me on 8 am about the contraction & was already in labour room. A brave mom she is. After almost 10++ hours, Miracle finally arrived to mother earth with 3.5 kg of weight, safe & sound. I was all smile. I was there with her all through her marriage to her owning a house to her pregnancy. She is now a complete woman. I'm very happy for her. Safe journey of motherhood ahead dearest.

PMS week sucks. I kinda make lot of enemy & caused a lot of troubles. 

My patient level is normally very low during that week. Slightest thing could irritate me. Everything everybody does could annoy me & thats pretty damn huge area to not get into. 

It scares me sometimes but at the end of the day they deserved it.

Still I'm sorry I did these. I don't expect you to understand my behavior & I don't care if u can't forgive me.

Perhaps, you could possibly stay away for good. 

All these wouldn't happened if people just put some effort to understand each other better. 

I get very annoyed if friends tell lame jokes. Some jokes are not meant to be jokes & some are

 not funny at all. 

Eg 1. Happened to a nice friend of mine. He was talking about joining the function I was going to attend. I was delighted & was thinking of a way to get him in the list which was a little impossible. The key point was that I actually believe him that I made an effort to try to fit him in. Then he said he was scheduled for work for a whole week inclusive of the event date.

 I just snapped. I confront him about that & he got angered cuz I can't take in a joke & that I was being too serious. I mean seriously? It was that disappointment you caused me that enraged me. 

Well, he would never get it. Now I see the better of you that I dislike & you better stay with that believe that I'm too serious to be messed with. My faith, the believe I have on friends is ultimate, beyond question. I will not ever question on anything they say or ask. Which makes it incredibly hurtful if I found them betray me. 

His was not up to that extend but him making me sound foolish cuz I took his jokes as a truth, then that makes him wrong.

2nd. Don't compromise if you cant. Don't promise if you cant keep your word. Don't say yes or take too long to answer me to keep me hanging only to her saying no or sorry that she cant. 

All these are reflection of super low EQ actions.

Those people who talked about travel but never put effort to plan, sorry you guys are out of my list forever. 

3rd. Don't ignore me when I asked something. When I talk you listen. Cuz when you talk I listened. 

If you choose to ignore me, politely tell me you're not free & that you wish not to talk to me. 

& If I choose to ignore your message several times in a row, please understand that I don't wish to talk to you & seriously, we are not so close friends. I don't like to talk to strangers. & for goodness's sake, if it ain't urgent, don't fucking call me. Phone is on my hand 24/7. I heard message that comes in, or at least the vibrato.

4th. As much as I needed attention to stay alive, there are some me time in a day that I truly cherished. Especially time with friends, my favourite TV show times and everyday after 10pm. That is just me time. This is a time i am most better leave alone unless permission granted for a chat or stuff that I agreed & preferred. 

5th. People who failed to keep in touch, one way or another, pls don't just barge into my life as you wish being overly friendly & sweet & expect nothing has changed since we last met. You should really know whether I still want you in my life or not. It could be me dismissing you just simply caused I decided on it. It might not be your fault but just respect my decision. I don't appreciate people who never been through my most difficult & happiest moments together. 

Of course I don't expect you to understand me. Even my closest friend I knew since I was just 7 years old don't. She said I understand her most. I was wondering does she know why I kept asking to see her recently. When I hit rock bottom, all I need was a friend presence. If you think that I will spelled my troubles to you from A-Z then you're very wrong. For your record, the only person I've talked & cried to about my love's death is Yonlek. Maybe caused I couldn't provide her me many years back that I don't deserved it now. & how could you judge me on friend no.5? Anyhow, I know you're enduring difficulties urself which is why I never force you. I hope those bad luck will leave u soon. 

These are among the biggest pantang I hated the most. Disgust in fact. Which makes me believe I'm quite an introvert to have those qualities in me. Anyway, take me or leave me. Like many people did. Those did not they appreciate me & I love them to death. 

If only losing my love could be as easy as losing a crush. Again! No wonder that's a saying that goes songs for the moment, songs for life. They are certain songs that just sings your feeling. 

I watched Glitter on TV, starred Mariah Carey, which happened to be a flop in cinema & I was in touched with the song Never Too Far again. I love that song many years back but it gave a new feeling to me that very day cuz It sings my feeling. It goes

You're with me
Til the bitter end
What we had transcends
This experience
Too painful to
Talk about
So I'll hold it in
Til my heart can mend
And be brave enough to love again

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I'll keep you close to me
When I remember

Glittering lights
Incandescent eyes
Still preserved
In my mind
In the memories I'll find solace

Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
And I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I'll keep you close to me
And I'll remember

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
And though we can never be
I'll always think of you and me
Always remember

Love

You're never too far

 

I am afraid to look at my photos album be it in the phone or laptop cuz I really wanted to move on & try to avoid to remember him. But the more I tried to hide, it seems harder to forget. The fact that I didn't seek remedy, a chance to bawl out, to release, to talk all out which I find no one I could, I couldn't heal.

I had myself the negative one to consult me & of course it didn't work. I was the one who blame & I was the one who correct it. Sound ridiculous but yeah, I was dealing it this way. I don't think anybody could understand this pain of how attached I was to my baby. Thus I remain tight lip.

The last time I lost his sister due a car accident, he came into my life. He heals me. This time there wouldn't be anybody worthy.

I miss u so so much. Pls heal me dear.

I guess liking lotsa animal page in facebook is really a bad idea especially when I'm in my recovering period. 

All these fury mammals are dear to my heart & it wouldn't fail tearing me up. There were specifically two animals that got my attention recently. Christmas by MIAR & Happy by MDDB. I cried when I read about them & I'm very happy to know they've survived. 

Whatever happen in a day brings forward to night's dream. Had a rough one this morning. I dreamed of tsunami washing off to my DSTH. I don't have a balcony but I had one in my dream & my house was facing open sea. & Hell these few days were rainy days. Me & my mom was there. Somehow my brother appear in my dream. In the wildest disastrous dream, I found someone so familiar. My baby!

He was there wagging tail & me as usual petting him. He doesn't look like baby but I knew he was it. 

I don't know the reasoning behind the dream. Perhaps it means nothing at all. By the time I woke up, the story was still clear in my head. Sometimes dreams seem so real that you struggle to tell if those were real & reality was just a dream. Which is why I often hate dreaming. 

At times I couldn't believe that baby has just left me loosely about 2 months. Coming 13th is 2 months. 

These 2 months seem so long. It's like I never had him & those good times were dreams. I guess his passing gave me too much of times for myself or perhaps my way of meditating helps. I'm struggling to get by everyday hoping that my mind could shut down easily and not a single moment of free time to even reminisce anything about him & us. I either leave it blank of fill it up with messy stuff. The same way I used to go through that tormentor 13 days of hell.

I believe Karma. I believe in doing good deeds & it repays you in one way or another. 

I just don't know if they will come in time or in times of need. 

I know that I'm not a lucky girl. There is a lot of things I need to fight to win over. 

Sometimes love, attention & friends. Maybe soon health & money.

Not a day past by I wish not to go to work. Has been like this for awhile. I don't know what kinda disease has struck me. Early Festival fever disorder perhaps.

Won't be celebrating CNY this year. Still family is eager to buy lotsa stuffs. Play along lor. Temper has been bad. Pretty bad & I still not willing to sleep early every night. Somehow my yearning to live long is deteriorating further. LOLZ. Seriously. My friend told me about PRS product for retirement scheme & its benefit to reduce tax payment. The only thing is that the profit in the investment can only be taken out after one reaches 55 years old. I was like hey, by that time I think I should be dead. I wasn't kidding though I was laughing. 

I met a guy while I was performing that very sunday. He was a cousin to the main lady & he was residing in a western country I cant recalled~ Spain? or something. We talked a little, He said he was a guitarist in a band & he asked if I were a full time performer? I told him I am a banker. He said that was very sad. That feels like a big tight slap on my face. Such a shame. If I could make a different this year, I had him to thank for. 

 XOXO

Performed at an engagement party tonight. It was Christine's secondary school mate which is also my senior. We were Puterian. But I bet she couldn't recognize me. Anushka asked Christine to help her with entertainment. Of course Christine would want to perform & she offered me to be the partner. 

Met up with the couple 2 days earlier to give them a view of how our songs are gonna be. 

Apparently she is gonna be engaged with a long time boyfriend, an Italian guy. Davide is his name. 

He was very tall, fair and shy in nature. While the girl was the total opposite, very bubbly & bright. I would say a perfect match. 

Today, we went to the private club where only registered member could come. Non member will be kicked out which happened to me once. Met up with her MC friends & her parents as well. They were all so sweet & kind. They made me feel at ease especially when I was the only one that was new to all. It's a Hindu style wedding, very simple & simply joyful to be part of the ceremony.

Sang half of the song that we practiced. Most are classic wedding love songs. 

It made me want this even more. My voice is not superb master vocal but it hasn't been bad at all. 

I really wanna make full use of it. I vow by heart that this performance would not be the 1st & last performance of year 2014.

Things one's gone through makes one grown up. Being through some of the most difficult times makes me think & wonder. 

Singing is my passion. Something I master & is good at. If I'm nervous & screw up doing something I love, perhaps then I should rethink what really suit me. That knock some sense into my head. 

Thus today onwards, I will not back off from any chances of performing. 2014 came with a new dream which is to have a breakthrough for my passion. I have stuff in mind. Now the job is to find a committed musician to start it off which was also difficult. As I say a million times, commitment is one thing everyone fears. 

I just realized I never sound more like myself except when I'm singing. I talk with a different voice. I can't help it. lol.

Many plan in year 2014. Having been given an eternal freedom by my love allows me to go far n fearless. 

Another hole to fill in. I need a new crush target. Hung on too long for the last one. 

I'm 25 & I'm rocking 2014! 

I used to be very eager to participate in a gathering. I am picky toward whose gathering to go to but I never say no to those few groups which include U65, NTLP, Bio girls & PT dancer's. I'm a regular.

It seems I managed to decline all their offers this year. Sigh. Latest being tonight's. 

I had a karaoke season with one of the U65's gf. 

Our first duo K date. It's comfortable & voice was at its best. 

Duo date to gathering, another gf whom cannot join us in karaoke initiated a yamcha gathering instead.

I for the 1st time hesitated. I don't wish to go. I'm dying to see those faces again but not now & definitely not like this. 

It's awkward when everyone shares update & most awkward when people ask about my current being. 

Friends who care enough will definitely avoid question like this. I really want such comfort from them but at the same time I want to avoid. The only answer I might throw out could be simply as Don't You Already Know? No? Then You might As Well Don't Ask No More. 

I'm not looking forward to share my recent updates & I'm not ready to take in much information about others yet. I might really enjoy the gathering but I can't guarantee of not being restless & moody. 

If I have to be on guard to how I behave even in front of my closest friends, than I think I better give it a pass. 

The new year date with Kheng & Fang also not finalize thanks to my uncertainty. 

I wanted to say no but I really want them to be with me in welcoming 2014.

:(

Pls help me! Fix me! Guide me! How do I come out of this mess?!

I realized that people come to me when they have unsolved matter & sadness. Or that I will go to them.

I on the other hand often wish people will offer me comfort by figuring out that I'm in trouble. 

I'm not sure why I behave the way I did. Maybe because I couldn't figure who could be the one who really stand by me in time of needs & who would be willing to listen & save me. Ego matter maybe.

Attitude problem at its worst. lol. There is no cure for this sickness. Just let me die with it. 

I have a lot of thoughts. These unsaid words are yearning to be unleashed but find no attention. 

I was trying my best not to think, relax & really shut down communication as it further excite my creativity of phrasing thoughts. 

My mind sometimes will act on its own against my will. It seems to have malfunctioned or that it has its own life whereby it speaks for itself, generating ideas & phrasing thoughts. Most of the time those stuff are really brilliant but depressing. 

Tonight it found a channel & it found its listener. 

Somehow. 

Today is the last prayer prior to my grandpa 100th day after his passing. 

3 months & counting. The family, 30 of us (representative of each son & daughters) went to Nirvana Memorial @ Semenyih to complete the service. I being a free thinker questions stuffs, I left them unheard. Not necessary. I do whatever I could to make everyone feel comfortable. It's not wrong. Anything that could possibly be done to make my grandpa feel at ease I would.

I guess it was period, I blamed it on period. 

I was very emotional these few days. Yesterday was unbearable. 

Since my dog passed away, I tried to stay focus & alert most of the time cuz I don't wanna let the the hollowness get the better of me. 

Sometimes I just couldn't. I would cry in complete silence. I wish I could just bawl out. These tears seek no comfort thus, nobody should see them. I was hugging my pillow while sleeping last night, I suddenly missed hugging my dog having his head rest on my chest. He would rest & let me hold him until he got restless. 

 I am trying my level best to find peace. I don't know how to deal with it. 

There must be a way! I wish there is an easier way. Nobody should ever feel this pain of loss. I can't move on like this as I couldn't emotionally attach to anyone this close anymore. 

To spell out every detail of the hell I've been through these few months are just too much for me to share.

Overwhelmingly hard. I tried, some volunteered, some shut me down completely. 

Ignorance is bliss. Some practices that.

I am exceptionally grateful to those I've found comfort with be it intentionally initiated myself or completely genuine offers from others. Having said that, I am also very disappointed for only in time of needs we can see who would or wouldn't be there for you. I'm sad that one of them is you. You chose to shut me out completely. Why only now? But thank you cuz I already knew why.

 *

The Penang trip was meant as an escape. A freedom granted by my baby, I left with no longing, utterly ignoring all things & head to Penang; To find comfort.

Purposely arranged a lonesome one day stay by the beach but I somehow give in to my gfs company. I need them around. Believe it or not, I hate myself crying. I will try my possible best not to cry & having a company will help. I knew Siew Win was expecting me to share out as she already knew what has happened. 

We shared deep thoughts & secrets which reminds me her importance to me. 

I sat at my hotel balcony which faced partial sea view at about 11.30pm. Finally some stars after a short drizzle rain. I was reminded that my dog has already left me for a whole complete month. 13/11/2013 - 13/12/2013. How organized things came out naturally when you least or no plan for it at all. 

I made wishes, I called his name by heart, I cried for a good 30 minutes whiles texting Yonlek who thankfully has been with me & endure for the past 1 month. Siew Win being smart & understanding gave me room to cry cuz she knew if she came to me, I wouldn't be able to release it all. She knew me too well. Not to forget Hooi Ling & Joanne Tan. They kept my sanity in check for a good 4 days.

* 

Tomorrow should be a happy day. It was a day I anticipated & I was the 1st to say yes for another Xmas gathering for PT dancer group prior to my dog's death.

I officially declined it yesterday to many's surprise. Well, they shouldn't be. 

After much thought, I really think I should stay off from this gathering. I'm not sure if it was for their benefit or that I'm just completely selfish. A gathering of new updates, joy & love. What I have now is just complete sorrow & death news. How do I update them? To keep silence? To tell out & cast an awkward spell during Xmas spirit? I couldn't. I wouldn't. I love them too much to do so. I know I might have think too much but as much as it is against my will, I choose to absence from this gathering. If you can't understand this, then you may continue not to.

Perhaps, I'm not ready to face attention just yet. I'm not ready to forget & forgive, most definitely not ready to let go. 

2 weeks to go to year 2014. I only wish to stay calm & problem free. I don't think I can take in another blow, at least not in this year anymore. 

Year 2013 had me near brink of suicidal. 3 lost. Too much a heartbreak. I won't miss you one bit.

2 week & counting

I miss you everyday

Not a day passes by without a tear

Not a day passes by without whispering your name

I'm trying to believe that I never had you

That you were just a beautiful dream

That I have just woke up to reality

Sometimes I tried to believe that you never died

Cuz I still see you everywhere

So close yet so far

I'm trying so hard to act strong

Not to cry in front of others

Cuz they will laugh, they will not understand

They will not care

They will not help

The one I love dearest has leave me forever

Never thought a loss could have such power

To break and crumble

Far greater than any pain I've been

To endure, to last

11 years of memories

I cant promise to remember all

Yet can't choose to lose any

I seek for mercy

I seek for forgiveness

I seek for your comfort in afterlife

We shall reunite soon in one sweet day.

After all the necessary

25 years to go....

I love you baby so very much.

The hollowness is killing me. You don't go miss me. Seek for your freedom & joy.

Thank you for keeping me grounded & sane. That dies with you. A gift taken back.

:') Muah Muah.

Remembering My Love Wong Coi

 Today I became a murderer. 11 years ago I was a savior. Or so I thought.
He has been with me for a good decade of wonderful journey since I was in Form 2.
He came into my life when I lost his little sister in a car accident. I was crying very badly which prompted
my dad to bring in another puppy to cheer me up. The rest was history.

Greeted him good morning and good night became my daily routine whenever I'm at home. While I was away for PLKN & University, my mother became his mother, taking care of him, feeding & cater to his needs & he would keep my family safe and sound. He was not the typical dog like others. He was a scary cat who's sensitive to thunder, fire crackers, bathing & even big men. I became very protective over him. I remember how my parents often scolded me for being too close with him. I would be hugging him, letting him lick me all over my face and we would share foods. I often smell like him too.

As time goes by, responsibility caught up, social network got widen, more people and work needed to be handled. However, without fail, I would pet and talk to him everyday. I have a lot of nicknames for him but he respond to me anyhow. I would annoy & make him jealous when I pet a stray or neighbour's pets & in return he would bark and come disturb as a warning. He makes home a sweeter place to come back to after a long working day. He was a comfort when days get rough and being with him give me a sense of serenity.

Now that I'm a working adult, I could provide him more necessities he could use especially medical care. Sadly, his health deteriorate as he ages. By the time I realized it, he was already too weak and old for advance treatment. Doctor could only prescribed medicines to control & hopefully prolonged his life.
Not long after my grandpa pass away in September, his condition worsened by day. The abdomen & testicle swelling aside, his hind legs were weakening. I was made known to expect the worst and was even offered to put him to sleep. Subconsciously, I believe that as long as he could still eat and be responsive, he might be able to carry on further. I wanted to believe that he wants to stay alive, with me.

Starting November, I began to see his partial blindness. His breathing was hard and forceful and he would have difficulty to stand up on his own. I cater to him to walk in the morning and night since then. It was difficult of course but I was most willing to. There was a chinese saying that goes 'the light bulb burn its brightest before it burns out'. He was somehow giving me his best effort to cheer me up prior to his worst condition.

On the 13th of November, I made my life's hardest decision, that's to put him to sleep. I was pondering, fighting my thought not to do so. Am I being kind to let him go from being suffering or am I cruel to continue to let him stay suffering? I don't have an answer.  Either way I knew I was dying witnessing him gasping for air while waiting for his heart to stop unpredictably if it was prolonged. It was a forced decision, it was the right decision. I could do it better, I could do it later. I then called up to the doctor & the caretaker.

He was a family, my best friend & soul mate for a good 11 years. I don't know how I will live through this but my only wish now is that he found peace. I hope he knows that I love him dearly.
I will miss him forever.

I'm sorry I don't know how to say a prayer to you dear love. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the best care and times you deserve. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you now. I keep wanting to chant your name like I used to when I come home. I keep wanting to go out for you whenever the commercial break comes in. I keep spying on you spying me when I'm eating. I miss wishing you good night & that I'll see you tomorow morning when I lock the door. I don't know that a lost could be so surreal and intimidating. Pls come visit me in my dream. I really wanna see u coi coi.

Thank you. I owe you my life :')