Thinking out loud

Not every year wishes will come true.

The fact that i met someone this year make more of my crazy wishes not coming true. Those include taking solo wedding shooting, getting a tattoo, bday escape gateway among others.

The worst that could happen was dejavu revisits.

Me against the world. God.

Seriously. I dont mind not having. But why let me have it but then taken back when it was most delicate and precious?

The fake illusion however perfect it seems like will continue to be fake if there is no actual and definite verification done.

My heart and mind know for real that you and your everything is concrete. Solidly true and sincere.

Actions supposedly speaks louder than words.

Yes. True to the wordings, i have no doubts when im with you. The engagement that we have is not something i have experience before. For that i know it was special. I know you were special.

But i couldnt help it when everyone else seems to take notice on us as an item but yet you continue to deny me the position that i could admit. It matters cuz when it comes to a point where i start to judge on my importance and who am i to you, i got doubtful.

You may take me as a bipolar emotional freak.

I could be super confident in one minute and by another ticking of minute ill be super down and withdrawn.

My bff actually said that i was too stubborn. Too specifed on dates and stuff. Oh god. She is the most stubborn and ego gal i know (we are both so freaking similar.. damn leo). But she got rational. And i dont.

Oh damn oh damn oh damn.


After all these years, i still cant help it. There are a lot of things i can tolerate.

I just cant lose. At least i cant lose the only little faith i have left. When i give, i give a lot. There is no in between or faking it. I dont know how to do things half heartedly. If you know me, you should know it well.


I never wish for mutual benefit. I never ask for payback. But you dont play me. Please dont.

Because when i fall, i fall hard.

And i wont know how to recover.

And i dont know how to forget.

You of all, have experienced this. And you of all have been through my last heart broken stage.

I thought you knew well.

***

The 3rd morning got us tested.

I have nothing to hide anymore with all truth spoken. I have given you the priority card which you have no use. Ive told you that i have waited for you and i feel stupid for waited. I know that if i were to celebrate my bday this year alone or with anyone but you, it wouldnt make any different.

Thus i chose to eat at home with mom.

Denying your last min invitation kills me.

It was what i was waiting for from you.

I knew i would be happy celebrating it with you.

But how you did it turns me off.

Cuz it seems to you that you wouldnt mind that ill be occupied or not.

You said you were trying your luck.

I was close to saying yes but as i confessed that i feel foolish for waiting for you, i said no despite every fibre of my being screaming hell yes.


There is no point if i give my most precious anticipated day to you but we will just be best of friends with your lacking of interest trying your luck kind of invitation. You can have my everyday but i dont want to remember a day so special yet so wasted cuz i failed again another expectation. Anyway the choice ive chose on how to end the day this year kinda pitiful and sad too. What a somber day to remember this year.


It sucks as bad. Perhaps suck more. Worst still, you didnt insist. Ive told you before. With me you have to insist. Unless im convinced that you are convinced. You got it too late while im surprised on how my previous crush could recall all these details of me vividly.

After self pitying, my senses kicked in.

The best gift this year was a dream fulfilled.
Last saturday was a happie date.
And you were right there on the 2nd.
You sang me personal bday song :) 
You got me occupied in between
Not physically. But emotionally. 
You didnt leave me alone.

*touched*


While my sanity fighting off my emotions, you booked me on friday. This time much earlier, much sincere. 

You said you will make another wish of mine come true. 


The hint was: Something i have been asking. Fyi, he was the one who taught me that i should ask.


My earlier guess was: Firework candle on bday cake of which he really forgotten.

2nd guess: His confession.

For the past 8 months, i can only recall the several things i ever ask from you. 

1. Godiva.

2. Random tgif dates n movies.

3. Your delayed confession. Mostly indirect while you act dumb.


If you dissapoint me again, help me set boundaries.
So that i could be single and available again.


Expectation sucks.
But you know what sucks worst?


Denial. 
When it was most certain.