30th August 16

August is coming to an end.
Plan A B C failed. Haha...wtf joanne.
I noe i noe... im such a loser.
Ive volunteer the plans. But participant is not interested. Or is lazy.

You know what, seriously...
Old habit die hard. My ego never hurt me.
Cowards did.

I hate that i let dejavu caught me. Again.

Same old stories brand new characters.
Same old venue brand new topics.
It is like a wheel rotating on the same axis on its same faithful designed function.

Kindness.
Kindness not always serves good.
Some kindness could be wrong and misleading.
It can gone haywire.

Perhaps i was receiving kindness.
Not love.
Im loving this kindness. Comfort assurance.
But somehow nothing further.
I wonder why.

Im thankful for your kindness cuz you helped me go through hellish time.
Basically im recovering.
There is one more thing you can do.

Dont throw me back to the same dungeon that you had saved me from.
If we arent from the same page as i thought, lead me to the light. See me shed the past and make life interesting again.

I dont want to play guessing game.
It makes me feel stupid.
For liking someone who dont feel the same.
Time after time.

Happie Merdeka Malaysia.

***

5 years ago today i met you.
I thought to myself how ever perfect you are.
You are everything that i adore.
I will never forget how embarrassed i was on that faithful day.
I was the worst tour guide ever. Ever!
Then there were other meet up but i was really too shy and too preoccupied with my own thoughts.
I cant recalled much of our meet up details.


The 1st concert was with u. One republic at sunway lagoon. You must have thought damn this chic is boring. Haha...
But riding the motorcycle in the night life of KL, you showing me parts of KL with its brighlights was still the most romantic thing ive been through.


If one day you ever read me, i appologize on my obssession and whatever you have read me here about my krazy thoughts about everything i thought of us and stuff. It was just my head and the mess, they gotta go somewhere and they end up here.
Damn im crazy. But i have really liken you.

When i saw you finally is in a relationship this valentine' day i thought to myself that she must be the lucky girl. She is such a delight visually and both of you look well togather.
Best of luck getting laid Malcom. Haha...
I remembered you often talk about that last time.
I often wonder if i do not hold back on trying my luck, would i stand a chance?
Things happen for a reason dont they?

***

Obssession is the worst feeling ever.
I always try to avoid being obssess with something so that if it doesnt fall right on my lap, i wont be so heartbroken.

But when one got me desired and occupied my  attention that is when the clash between head n heart occurs. The collision sucks man.
I dont like what i do when im obssess with someone.
When i cant control myself ill control the setting on devises or ill occupied myself with little time for relaxation.
Zero free time for the mind to hallucinate again.


Im doing it over and over.
One day ill reach my emotional freedom.
I dont wanna feel anything any more.
Not everything you love loves you back.
Not everything you care cares you back.
Not everyone who shows that he cares and loves you truly loves you.
He could be just showing you kindness and your obssession single mindedly ruled that he loves you.
And that dissapointment sucks.

I got pissed off recently over small built matters. It seems that my pms doesnt just tied down to 1 week b4 period. Haha... goodness. Just spare me already. What have i done to pissed whoever u there to blessed me strong hormonal fluctuation?

Karma is a bitch baby.

Hmmp.
Let go.
Dont let go.

So close yet so far.
Thanks for all the memories.
Im seeking emotional detachment.
Freedomist...
I need a far away vacation.
A place where i dont have to tense up to care and give a fucking damn on everything.
Im so tired.

Quates often says do not find a better man.
Find a man who can make you a better person.
You can love someone so much so that it fixes her.
I thought i found him this time.
But ive forgotten that im very much like harley quinne.
It was just me and some voices in the head.

The tought came to me today again.
I really dont mind not having it.
But i cannot being denied when one got me ignited.

Last year today.
Same old feeling.
Better. Deeper.
And if it crashes,
Oh how it kills.

**

September is coming.
Time to revoke and execute some plans.