Phobia once more. Confused as hell.
The last troubled talking: mind vs heart.


This confession is gonna break or make it.

I was asked to confess to stop wasting time guessing.
But the phobia you wish me to face is too huge for me to handle. For now.

He was put on test with our colleague bombarding him with indirect direct questions today.

I felt emberrassed as im not sure how to even react to this. The problem is all of us know what is happening between he and I. But questions like that got him taichi ing around to avoid answering. While me just kept getting more frustrated and more dissapointed.

I know he wish to keep what is happening only between us. But people cant help noticing us. And i cant be only just keep guessing and being treated as KIV.
Im seriously on a very disgusted mode especially when i found that im being entangled in the same spot similar time this year with a totally different boy who share extreme similarities with the last one. Whatever they are different, they are different as north and south poles. But whatever they are alike, they are like twins.

Whatever are alike are pissing me off.
Pls dont play me.
What have i done wrong to deserve this?
Have i been giving you the impression that i love having platonic relationship?
Does it seems to you that im a good flirting partners? Just flirting partner?

I have always been called lansi due to my resting bitch face. Mainly cuz i dont know how to be comfortable with opposing sex beings. Even to date, im still very selective on whom i seek to be around with. And i... i dont know how to be a girl perhaps.
A normal one at least.

Im having this trauma on guessing game. I dont mind not moving forward at the moments and force any kind of commitment. But i wish to have a clear sign on my position and are we moving on the right direction? Or am i hallucinating?
Thinking about that, the 1st mistakenly taken genuine inexperienced confession cost me an unlucky 10 years of relationship ride.
Why Justin? Haha... Why la?

I wish to believe you so much.
But your inconsistency and reluctancy got me questioning your sincerity.
Im very borthered.
Cuz very likely you will be the second guy who make me worth less of half that i already am.
Once bitten twice shy. I have made the same call twice. This is not a mistake by chance. Is by choice. Thus it makes me more of a fool.

Seeking clarity on between what is meant and said.
Enlighten me.
:(

Again.
Im sorry.
I shouldnt have question this.
I just couldnt help it.
I have learnt my lessons.

I have expectation nobody could fills.
Which is why i dont seek no more.
Strange of how i dont believe in god, but i do believe in faith. And faith will always be a choice.
No matter how bad one's life is, there will always be a way out.

Today is the last time i speak of this.
Cuz its meaning doesnt serve its purpose.
There is more to life.
Going to kick start ticking some small dreams alone or with besties.
Someone who deserve my time.

*

Perhaps i was too dwelled into the somberness.
And my late baby sensed me. He came into my dream and jumped and hugged my legs while i was standing reaching for him cuz he was somehow chasing some visitor's dog at my old house. A place where i spent most of his years with.

Thats when i woke up soothing myself that baby is gone and its okay. It has been sometimes. It was just a dream. It is okay to dream of him.
You had no idea... the realization of knowing the loved one is no longer with you while u wide awake... that kind of feeling.

Baby left a hole to big for anyone to ever fill. Not even my family. Not even my best friends.
No amount of distraction can take that away.

Home is where the heart is. Been living heartless for awhile.
Damn i should go for a lone movie tonight. At least im away from this place with past memories.

I miss you love.
There are alot of memories fading away.
I cant recall back. I dont let them pass by thus alot of the good times we had i cant remember.
Im so sorry.
I will not forgive myself for taking your choice in my hand.

Do visit me :')

*

You are unexpectable arent you?
You are not forgiven for the 3 weekends MIA irregardless of reason due to non preinformed notice.

Oh well.