My pride is far expensive than my virginity. 

Lol

Fuck this shit. 

Recalling what Genesis said yesterday. He said that i should look for a man who is strong enough to take care of me.

He is one of the friend who cares and know my story and try to understand my personality from my point of view. That makes him somewhat special and he did not suggest the wrong idea. 

10 years back i wouldnt have agree to that idea. 

Coming from all girl school, i embodied girls power and i believe strongly that one need no another to survive especially boy. I live my most sensitive period of teenage's life confined to only girl's species and have totally made zero male friend. I have an imbalance male to female friend ratio. Thus made me an sexism extremist. 

I would have disagree with that sexist concept of his and start a never ending argument. 

But gradually and naturally although not much willingly i give in. 

Back then, I became so strong and tough and built walls around me to ensure sanity so that i could stay focus in life. 

I wasnt born power freak nor an extremist. 

As you mask yourself too often you tend to forget who you are and who you wish to become. 

I am tired. Really. 

Then i realized that needing someone is not pitiful. 

Its okay to need a man, a friend or soulmate. 

What is strong is strong?

Genesis said that i need a man to take care of me. To lift me off my burden. 

True to the fact, i would love to meet a man who can do so. But how do you define who is that deserving man? One who is willing? One who is capable? One who is willing and capable and wont get tired of me and anything that comes along with me? Who can embrace all flaws which comes along later?

Growing up in this broken family built my senses and values in a negative way.

There is a lot of things i dont know how to do it right. 

So i might appear funny or act funny in a lot of situation or how i react to certain matter. 

I have a weird way of how i show affection and hatred. 

But im glad im good at self motivation. I manage it ever since i become conscious of how terrible my life was as a child. From the day i know sadness and fearsome and pain. 

Phobia of people fighting, of people shouting, of people ignoring me, of them threatening me, of them being selfish... 

I hated my life. I hated god and i scold him every single day. I denied him. I hated my parents and i wish them gone forever. But i never try to end my life. I endured so much of pain that i somehow know that life is too precious to be sacrificed. Why sacrifice mine when i know it will be the most glorious of all. My future is my ticket to escape and excel. 

Nothing much is more painful that the whole dramatic childhood combined kot... 

So in conclusion, do i need a man for a better life? 

No. But it could be fun for physical intimacy. 

Do i need a man to be happy? 

Only if he is and wish to be strong for me. There is no one in life that is made for each other. It is the willingness that counts. 

Do i need a man? 

She could be a woman, it could be a gay... 

Yes. 

I do need someone who is willing to shoulder me one day if i collapse. 

Someone who will not give up on me.

Someone who wont let me go even if i shout and push him away. 

Cuz he know too well that i need him. 

Hmmp

Lol

Well. I thk i have answered the question.