Moonlight Darling

Hmmp. Dun ask me why the odd title and what has it got to do with the content of today's post. 

Basically nothing. Im just trying to catch who would actually read my post base on my blog title. Well.... gotcha... lol lol

Well, tomorrow is the actual day of mooncake festival. As usual being D not so chinese's chinese, i seriously have no idea why we celebrate the festival which rightly, i have some fade understanding of the bullshit history of this festival but you know what? Lets just play candles.... 

I would like to remain clueless on a lot of things. 

Im not someone who wanted and demanded to know everything from a to z. You can call me lazy but i enjoy being clueless.... so that the very next time i can be entertained by a story teller.

 You see being the ms-know-it-all means you always got to be the one to share the story. You gotta repeat it for all the clueless people cuz they are just too lazy to google the history and prefer asking n listening to a verbal guidance. Someone like myself. This is so not true to my leo nature cuz being able to deliver a story meaning that im actually holding ppl attention to me and on me. But... yea... old feline... im selectively choosing the right things to have the lime light on now. 

Sad...

Im kinda moody. Those were the days when i can expect someone to be there for me when im moody. This year is the 2nd year we celebrate this festival without my grandpa. He left us one day after the festival so... its kinda the death anniversary too. So i dont actually found this festival fascinating any more. In fact i had a personal bad experience with this festival where i was caught playing with matches and fire when parents were not at home. Lolz.  I think i was in standard 3 kot. I was scolded n beaten pretty badly... hmmp. So... no... not my fav festival of all time. 

I still like the candles though. 

I like how it burns and illuminates the dark. It wont shine as bright and meaningful if the night is not pitifully dark enough. I dont know since when i dislike being the candle. I prefer to be the one who hang on dearly to the bright light it exudes. Sucks on its beautiful rays and dive into the warmness it delivers. 

But it seems that i am still the candle that burn for others. Some appreciate my presence however some still very much neglect the fact that i could be burned out and take me for granted. 

Im tired. Drained. 

Im a motivator who need to seek a therapist. 

Topic of da day: How to continue being a good motivator ? 

Haha... seriously? 

I guess im natural in this. 

My old friends were surprised on how positive i have become... you have no idea how incredibly difficult i was last time. 

i am surprised too when she can tell something that i am not aware of. Since when? 

Since the day i let go?

Since the day i care less? 

Since the day i realized i have nobody?

Since the day i know i cant change a single fucking fact or my background and all i can do is to move on and live a better life i could do for myself instead of feeling sorry for my past?..... Hmmp yes kot. 

Y not? Is it better? At least my gf likes it. 

Everyone needs a positive energy but nobody is one. You can choose to be one though. 

I choose to display positivity cuz i hold on to a believe that it would attracts positive feedback too. I believe strongly that this is something we can inculcate into a belief. A culture. Rather than u believe in something so superficial like god... i prefer to adhere to something that i could sense and feel. Ya. Aku atheist! A proud one!

When i was most down and suffocate last two years ago, i learned a thing or two about this. You will always be lonely and unloved if you dont allow people to come into your life. Do not expect that there will be someone who will just jump right into your life and so super heroically sense your needs. Not everyone is so lucky to have someone as special as that. So voice out. Seek help. Seek advise. 

Otherwise, just like me... cry out and walk out of the misery a much stronger individual. 

There is many degree of recovery. Im a beginner. I can easily fall back right into the dungeon of hell. 

But yea... fake it until you can make it. Multiple personality sickness helps. 

Spring cleaning my junks again today and i found a lot of happie items... the art box, bday, convo gifts and old time letters... the happy pills. I dont need a doctor. I need a reminder. A memory. A belief. Something that i have forgotten but it is there... 

*

You always walk far ahead of me. I wonder what preoccupies you and your mind. I wonder if i should just be invisible. May be i should not be around. Cuz i dont find my presence has any added value or has any difference to you. You just continue walk ahead... n i just follow. Sigh. If i do matter to you, i wouldn't be left behind in anyway.

Im sorry i chose the wrong movie and have force you in the deal. Im sorry you dislike it.