I guess I'm not made to deal with any of these feeling. 

It was one fine night when she talked shit I wished I didn't argued back. Her extreme practice of stuff kind pushed me to a point break emotionally. I wish that she was just a nobody so I could walk out on her as I wish. She was not wrong not entirely right & that made me so hating her attitude. 

Again she want to put the blame on me for doing the things I love, things I'm positively vulnerable on. 

She assists me in a way I thought I got a silent approval to proceed & out of a sudden she push the red button again. So to shut her mouth to ever blame me on it again, I chased the kitty away. 

Kitty has been asking for too much of attention that I could ever provide & it's too much for her to bear with. 

When too much goes beyond, I got to be blamed. Selfishly, I just wanna feed kitty cuz my family is food wasters. So why waste when I could use it for better reason. I wish to play with it only when I wishes to cuz I wouldn't take any pet in now, so long that she is alive or only  when I buy my own house, stay alone so that whatever I do is none of her business. 

So I chased Kitty away hopefully kitty could be smart enough only to come to eat & don't make so much of noise bad enough to be forbidden of foods. 

The next night I came back late again, prepared the food & went out to seek for Kitty. She was always around since I started feeding her. :( But she wasn't there. I went out twice but she was not around.

Today is the second day she disappeared. She said the whole street of cats are missing. It rarely happens. 

That sudden disappearance & lost got me startled again. 

That feeling is very awful & I hated it when it strike. & prior to her missing, I chased her away against my will. 

When we argued that night, she repeated those history stuff again, toughing the forbidden subject again.

I lost it. Why does she always love making me cry. For goodness sake! She always have to keep me guessing & questioning was it love or responsibility that keep me staying?

All of these years, if must be she who is capable of making me sad & sorrowful. 

Gosh. I really miss my baby. :'( Help me heal. Help me get through this! 

Sometimes I'm glad I have this demanding job cuz it keeps my mind off my personal stuff. I just need to focus on the work & everything else comes second. 

I was so good at it, my boss stood up for me when someone wanna shoot me. You and your selfishness can't bring me down. TQ boss. I have faith in you so don't betray me so long I don't fail you. 

Wherever the kitty is, I hope she is fine. She deserve good home & caring owner. Just a little too sticky. 

I would still preserve my love towards animals. Until the right time comes. My neighbour's 2 hyper active poodles loves my attention. That kinda helps.

 I wish I could tell somebody how not OK I am. But it never escape my mouth whenever I feel like it. It seems that they have more stories to tell & mine will just be too dark & they need me to listen rather than talk. Thus to even out, I would just stay home, hide & turn down offer to go out.

Oh well, it dies here.