I was so stressed out when OIC asked me to came to him. He told me about my mistakes, and how the work done was imperfect and how unrepresentable it was... in a nice way. Slightly sarcastic though. He tried to make it sounds like it was the branch's fault that I came unprepared. To compare, definitely this branch-that-must-not-be-named is more demanding in details and their way of perfection for a win-win protection to branch and to officers. My branch, has much freedom to express our approach to cases. Cuz a man simply know what's needed minus all the crappy fussy requirement.
If that wasn't bad enough, another senior told me that it's hard to survive in this branch, you could survive here, you survive everywhere. If I were you, I will ask to stay here and learn.... wow, that lady is a bitch - with its high pitch voice.
If that wasn't hard enough, the biz manager come to me after already many amendment needed from me, he said we need more AA. You just came up with one in 3 days. WTF!!! I didn't!!! It was because of you and the branch that made it so difficult to be done. All of a sudden I was back to basic. I was thrown back to infancy stage where I gotta relearn- only this time, expectation was higher, work was tougher, new environment.... I couldn't perform. I was under perform. I felt zero again. I hate failing others.
I thought I wanna work much later, but I was hungry and I just couldn't take it anymore. 9pm. I gave up. I sensed that teary eyes were failing me. I kept holding it, trying so hard to hide my face not to be seen by others. But I think the very nice kind senior saw me with it. She wanna date me for dinner. No, I just want to hide away and cry already. I can't date you. I gave her a reason and went to my car.
Cry gao gao... very few occasion that I would burst out so badly, so long... I texted my ex-boss, I told him that I wasn't performing, indicating him that I would be disappointing cuz that was my promise to him, not to embarrassed him in other places. This time, I sure did. :'(
He and like many of the rest ask me not to think too much. Learn as much, accept challenges.
But am I allowed time to do so? Yes, hardship makes u pick up stuff faster. Soft approach is warming but not quite effective.
Cry punya cry, I then stop by Oldtown for dinner. Time alone is time for me to do thinking or just simply left it blank. I just don't wanna have much verbal conversation cuz I know I will either cry again or I will be annoyed. At one instance moment when I was sympathizing myself, I really wanna resign. I just knew it was enough, and it wasn't worthy.
You could take back the title and the bonus and the salary.
I don't want you.
The moment I cool down, I asked myself the same question. Worthy or not? 1st, how many people will I disappoint? Am I inclusive as one of them? Will I regret? What do I do? 3 days of hardship you thoroughly understood it wasn't the right thing for you and you took 6 months adjusted yourself into the commitment?
Wow...
Where do I go from here? I hope to last for a month 1st, to really learn how to master this new position. Anyhow, I will need to serve one month notice prior to resignation already. So, what's the rush.
2 more days...no, no, one more day and a half.
.....
......
No, the silence is my way of testing you. Not the other way round. So I guess, you lose out greatly.
***
No comments:
Post a Comment