Grow Up!

Emo peaks.... You came at the wrong time saying the wrong things.

At one moment I just thought that I'm actually disappointed with you. I thought you know me. Or maybe that just proved that you don't completely know me yet. 

I find explaining is a tough action and it requires time and an open heart to listen. 

The reality is I'm weak, vulnerable, dependent and completely a loser for a gal at my age.

I started everything late. Don't expect me to fly when I'm just making my baby steps firm on the ground. 

I scolded my parents and I'm so clearing my throat on you too. Cuz if I choose to ignore or not telling you this, I might lose faith in our friendship. You are important to me please know that. I appreciate our friendship hence, I'm telling you this. You questioned my weakness and it's a death point. You made me doubt myself for the n-th times, left me pondering if they should be blame, or that I should bear the blame-for being so not grown up. I hate this kinda internal-voice-in-the-head-battle. I seriously think I have mental sickness. This kinda topic leads one thing to another. 

Too much forced pampering granted makes them too use to being overly protective of me. I need time to convince them to let me go bit by bit. So enough of you all asking why not you do this, why not do that? Why the fuck. The fact that I'm not skillful is enough to make em sick of worrying. You could say that I give in too easily. But it was my method and perhaps I love them enough to consider their feeling. Yes, I need to be more selfish! They are learning that too, so may I have a little more time on fixing them?

When you're new at that thing, and you turn down their offer to help when they could... It doesn't make sense. In their eyes, I was fearless, daring, not afraid of the world, wanted to try everything, wanted always to prove to them that I can... which prompt me my angst when I said how come you guys wanted me to be vulnerable? Even when I'm scare, I don't need to tell you that I am. I just need to be very careful. I really don't understand. I guess that make sense to my dad. He made a surprise call saying that I could drive in Melaka.

And to your eyes, I needed to grow up and be less dependent... 

Where do I stand now? It wasn't harsh as you apologized for, but it definitely hurts me especially when I was just so emotionally exhausted today and that it came from you. It was this judgment you made when you aren't completely aware of my life nor understood me well. Whatever you said I know, in fact, I knew it way long before it even come across your mind. 

I'm sorry for not letting you into my world, if you ever try anyway. It wasn't a fantastic one. So dun bother.

I love you, I do. Just allow me times. Pressure is not a friend.

***

2morrow reporting to Taman Malim Jaya Melaka. 

I will be driving from hotel to branch. Not sure if I would be daring to explore other nearby area. I will have not much time for that. My dad is a doting father, even if he disagree with my work nature now. I has no intention to quit hence, he try to compliment me. Though he successfully made me extra guilty by doing what most logical father would do/wouldn't do-i don't know... He will drive me to Melaka. Then he go back himself. 

Friday come pick me up again which I hope he let me go back myself. I hope he will find his laziness more appealing to the fuss of taking bus down to Melaka then lead me back to Seremban. 

Much fuss required when things could be so easy- I know right.

But to make your old man feels secure, can you find the heart to decline his offer especially this is my 1st trip to work outstation. 

I couldn't I'm sorry. Sorry for being so weak. 

Gosh, I'm miserable!!! Thanks for the extra spice you gave to me tonight. For that, I managed to pour out like baby for a moment. Now I felt better. 

Taking off 7am 2morrow~ I update u guys more when I online 2morrow, provided that I reach the hotel safe n sound. 

As much as thegreat I label myself, I'm very much insecure and lacking in confidence. There many seemingly hard task I've done that surprised me-I actually could execute em. 

This time is no exception.