I did 3 PCR for Heretemis with 3 makers. A lab full with happy people. Seniors happily singing while waiting for results and lotsa laughing. I guess I was the only sorrow gal there. While I was in lab, my dad called and told me to go for check up at seremban private hospital. GH will be slightly late. I was like, I haven't even hand in the letter to PK, maybe they can be efficient too...
I don't know why i felt so reluctant. Was I not ready to face it that fast? Was it the price that i concern? Was it because i don't wanna go home? The fact that i just came back to uni and i don't know want to always keep my mood in check or fake a relax face while i was dead worrying....I don't really know why. I just don't wanna discuss it. I was very bu suang. Then i call my mom, a regular thing i did to keep her company. I told her my dissatisfaction. And she begin crapping that it was her fault...bla bla bla... argh! Shut!
I know how weak is my tear pores. That's y i keep avoiding direct confrontation even when i wanna state my point of view in angst. I broke down when i was arguing with her. I sorta scold her for once. I just hope you all understand what i really need at this moment. I dun need blaming, i dun need whoever hold any responsibility... i just need a pillar of strength cuz im falling hard... The hard shell i wore all the while was a fragile protection after all. I wear positivity all day long... sometimes, just sometime, let me just be me again okay... sometime alone.
You know, i felt terribly guilty when my master guider spotted me crying when i was on the phone with my mom. I think i shocked her. I do not like putting people in a position where she/he do not know how to react to my actions. I care..tat's y.
Those who know about this keep asking me to think positive and that's okay. Hmm, wasn't exactly what i wanted to hear... Jc don't go around asking for advise especially those she is proficient in... handling my positivity and composure. But, really thanks guys. And me dealing this, someone who often think to much, u bet i have the most positive thought and worst in my head. This range would perhaps save me from another breakdown. I cannot handle rejection well... so, it's better for me to be in denial still.
I don't know how many would be mad that i did not choose to tell them or how many would wanting not to be informed. I even wonder how many sensitive enough to sense something is wrong with me despite me not acting out my problem in the first place.
We shall see what the specialist/surgeon/whoever gotta say about this... i suppose whether it's dangerous or not dangerous, it's wise to take it out. I don't think I want to endure operation at this moment. Worry, yes i am, scare? Definitely... i phobia pain, injection... I can accept blames and punishments for what i did wrong. I would be the stupid one who actually confess or even volunteer to admit to save people i care~ depends... I cannot and i don't understand why i have to suffer when i did nothing wrong...
When im emo, stuff like this shit comes out... so dun bother advising... dun tell me it's gonna be okay. Nobody can tell if im gonna okay or not. And certainly IM NOT at this moment. Im a mess right now. Im bullshitting so much i might make a few enemies. Unreasonable me... hard to bear with huh? Let me...just let..
Shhh.....
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