Freak Days

Ever since I discover a lump in my left breast, I haven’t really been able to be happy.

I am waiting for my period to come so that the chest stiffness would be gone. Then if the lump persisted, I will then go for a proper check up. I hope by then, it wouldn’t be too late. I’m trying not to think of it or be bothered by it as I don’t want to freak myself up. If I am not composed, my mom will freak out then. 

Moreover, the case is not confirmed yet. I am no doctor, so I don’t diagnose myself. I just realise how difficult it would be to tell a man how this thing is going. It’s like “Hey pa, can you take me to the hospital to see the woman specialist?” he would surely asked “Why? Anything wrong?” “Well, because I think I felt a lump in my left breast.” How awkward! I won’t let it happen. I shall just go GH with my mom or with my friend. Sigh. Why is this happening? Why me? Why now? What I did wrong?

Well, enough of self misery. I watched Rapunzel, A Tangled Tale today. It was one of the joy I had in some days. Thanks Yoke Shan. Pascal and Maximus is both such darling to watch. It’s not just any movie. It’s a Disney’s movie!

Today is actually my bro birthday. My family don’t really that kind that celebrate bday or do surprises. I planned to just send him a message but his stupid temper totally put me off. It's ur choice to shut down communication so don’t you blame us for being ignoring. Arrghhhh….

You’re such jerk!

What if the lump is really a benign or cyst but poses no threat? What if it’s cancerous? Can it be just a mistake altogether? Can it? I haven’t really achieved freedom and you are taking away my health? Why must you hate me so much? Am I sinful to not to believe you? Just so that I don’t hate you? I’m trying so hard to be strong… but you keep me drown every time I resurface. I’m so tired….Of all the good deeds I did is never enough to spare me a moment free of misery. 

*
*
*

And so it turns out I am not at all able to withstand such pressure. I confirm myself at night that I would like to see the doctor in the morning. And I told my dad! He fetched me and my mom to a woman specialist Clinic Sidhu in Seremban. The doctor asked me to come again after period and said that it would probably not dangerous. She asked me not to worry as she believe it's just pre-period form of lumpy. Such huge relieve! I just hope I'm not the rare case. 

Tho I wasn't really bothered by the touching...but I can't get it off my mind that

.....

I WAS LEGALLED MOLESTED!!!

Haha.... it's not funny...really ><