Hi, it has been long. I miss talking to you too. Many unpost blog & many unwritten memories. I wonder how I could have actually missed doing what I favored. I used to have time to for this... a time intentionally given to voice out alphabetically. But it seems I rather sacrifice it for something else. Yet I was reluctant to sleep regardless of whether I'm spending time blogging or not. So where did my time went?

Anyway... nothing really special has happened recently. Except for my grandpa was hospitalized for coming 3rd week already due to stroke. He is now bed ridden, however stable with constant care with family. I am impressed & proud that all his 7 children took turn to take care for him. 3 of his sons take night shift alternately including my dad. I'm touch to see such spirit & I'm just glad my grandpa will not have to be alone at any moment he is in hospital. We knew he would be scared.

At the very same time, I have discovered my dog aged dramatically these months. His stomach's bloat was obvious & I couldn't act like nothing has ever happened. Sometime my only way to care less is to ignore. This is beyond my will. He got weakened, urinated more & drank & ate excessively. Doctor said a term I kept forgetting, then simplified it as weakening of heart which leads to excess fluid accumulate in tummy area.
Every time I touch it I could feel he is suffering from it. Not long ago, his tail bottom near anus bleed. That was the part where I noted darkened then subsequently it swollen & bleed. Doctor said it could be cancer/tumor. My dog is too old to go under the knife. Old or not I wouldn't let him be operated. Selfish I might be, I would not unless critically needed. I can't let him bare the fear.

I remember vividly how the doc came to my house, ask em to wore him the mouth shutter preventing him to bite or bark. He ask me to hold my dog so tight that he could barely breath so doc could inject some medicine near the buttock for the heart strengthening. Nobody could tell how badly I felt at that moment. That injection n some pills at Raya 3rd day cost me RM100.

People say if money could solve the problem , then it ain't a problem. I only wish that all problem I wanted to avoid could be solve by cash. I have very weak heart. I lost a dog once. I will very soon be forced to face another lost. How do I get by? I normally do it alone... But as year goes by, I don't think I'm strong enough.

Work got me feeling like a pro at one second, so very scare/stress at another second. Very soon I need to check-in into bipolar rehab for sure. I doubt I could handle these much of work pressure. I could but against my nature. Blurness & careless, lazy & creative are my element. All these are not meant to work well in bank.

I got very sick last wed night. High fever. I don't normally fall sick but once it comes, it's gotta be some strong viruses. The moment I'm in pain & ache, I pray. To whom you ask? I wonder too! If Nsync could save me, I pray to them. If you could save me I'd pray for u. Which is why I'm always grateful to those who ever lend me a hand. Be it small favor or not, when I needed you, You're always there. Well, not many. So, not quite hard to repay them.

Guess I pretty much sum up these 2 months of griefs. Of course there are also good news and stuff. The good ones I often share out loud. The bad ones always end up here. Fair la... Nobody wish to share negativity & sadness. Let them just died here & be gone.

Good. Cried, while Emo & Hatred are all released in one shitty post. Time to sleep & get ready to face the bloody world tomorrow. Seriously weekend pun work? FML. I meant saturday & Sunday combined. Again, why do I work so hard for a fixed income? U tell me.

August - Mine!!!

August has arrived, it's a month for all Leo boys n gals. 

I had a nice birthday date with few of my favourite babes. I had a pleasant outing, dinner & movie with Kheng & Choco.

This one was 1 week prior to my Bday... Lek Lek predicted that I would be taken by someone on the actual day... Awhhh

I wanna make the whole August as a celebration of my entry into the world. :)

I keep making decision & surprises to myself. Bought myself One Republic concert tickets which is due on the 31st Oct 2013. I often wanted to celebrate Halloween in KL. Purfect! I often wanted to explore Sunway Lagoon. Purfect. I want my 1st concert date to be purfect. I'm not sure about my companion yet. So Malcolm, dun ffk me. Gosh, I'm feeling excited everyday knowing that I will meet Ryan Tedler very very soon!!!

I wanted VIP location though cuz I'm pretty sure Ryan will spot me. Hahaha.

I had myself 4 new CD collections out of the blue. Don't know why. I just thought that buying these CD are better than another stupid ring on the finger or a fuji-lomo cam which is an expensive hobby when I already had my digital cam which recover itself after weeks of being broken or an overly pricey white leathered analog watch RM1.6K when my Titus is still kicking.  

Special thanks to Hee & Tee Publishing House Co. LOL
It was a brilliant surprise :) It was like love at first sight... so much love lies in the poster.
So thoughtful So genuine. So in love with it.
 

I don't need a lot to be happy. I need the right thing. 

This bufday, one of my dearest decided to be out of malaysia. 

My bff chose to go NewZealand for working holiday on my bufday. I was so sad that she has to go alone & knowing that she is gonna be away for at least 6 months made me teary. :(

I just wanted her to come back safely soon. U owe me a present. Make sure u bring it back & hand it to me personally. I'm not gonna forgive u if u ever break this deal. 

Hitting the age of 25 makes me realized time is ticking off. I have an intuition that I only have time on earth till the ripe age of 50 yrs old. I'm kinda 50 yrs old now if u noe what I mean. LOL....

I'm a bit of a rush for everything now. 

& I feel utterly poor as I have enough cash & leaves for me to enjoy lifebut somehow I couldn't find kakis to go wherever place I should be going. 

I have specific taste for all type of preference. Sigh. Y couldn't I just be normal?

:)

:(

There's a lot in my head that I wanna talk about. My energy level would not be able to get me there~ laying all thoughts into words.

I wanna talk. Not sure who really fits in to fill up this soul mate talk that I needed. 

I'm really tired. 

Really tired!

Sleep deprived. In fact, I was always looking for reason not to sleep. My work is draining every single ATP in my cells. I felt vulnerable. My mom is sick lately. Having lotsa stuff going around but unwilling to seek for the right medicine. She has no idea what trouble she is putting me through. Parents could be immature & that sucks. I'm tired of being the one for everyone.  My patience is running low & I hope these will be over soon. 

A lot of time I just feel like giving up ~ on work, on people, on dreams, on beliefs, on promises, on myself.

Sigh. Emo. For no reason. I kept on craving for food. Bad sign. 

Bad stress = Bad habit. 

Bad idea. Bank's annual dinner is coming. :( 

N I'm not singing this year. :( :(

I had a 3 fun days companion by a friend who still runs around as mobile officer. The branch has demanded one due to workload overflowed & he was flighted in for a honorable rescue :P

He was practically the one who lured me into PBB even before I knew him. My bff noes him and she told me about his existence in PBB & his income. I was literary enslaved myself to PBB because of him :)
This drives him nuts whenever I talk about it. Having him around makes me less tense.
We are those pair of friends who never get tired of shooting each other to the highest sarcasm level. We'll spit onto each other and LOL big one in the office. As usual, people who is capable of doing this with me are boys who talk good English & charming in his own way. I'm just so glad he has a gf who happens to be my friend too :) They are so so cute together. Him being occupied save me from any chances of being victim again. Having been to too many crash n burn, wanting, expecting but denied relationship sucks.

Out of the blue he & the fwens jumped into relationship matters... again. Why? Cuz I'm the only one still single around? We were kinda debating on what do I need & why not I accept another colleague in the office~ They came out with a conclusion that I demanded too much. I denied if cuz if was only half truth.
He then kidded it around again with a senior in branch. Now that man said the righteous word.

She is not wanting too much. She is seeking perfection. :) Perfection. A word that defines everything that I was seeking.

The truth is I'm not seeking anybody intentionally. Perfection itself portrays nobody in particular. It's all about compatibility & complementary. When it's not right, it's not right. Need not try.

It's June already. Need to plan my Kuantan trip fast & a birthday escapade. I really wanna be away in August, hopefully on my birthday.

Read The Kite Runner in a week time. It was a real engaging 1st party narrator novel. Very melancholic it makes me cry all night all week. Looking forward to more of Khaled Hosseini's novels. They will occupy me for sometimes.

 May has been bad. Now we reaches June. Half a year of 2013 has past us by. Now what?
Father Day, Annual Dinner, Father's Birthday, AF audition, Kuantan trip?

I'm seriously tired of all things. I just want to be away.

Relationship Dilemma

Received 2 bad news this weekend. :(
2 besties broke up with their respective bfs. Saw them heartbroken makes mine broke as well. 

  

My confident level in relationship hit pitch bottom after the Chan's incident. Now having seen these two fresh cases made me realized being a sole rider is not so bad after all.

Cuz I could be losing the hope to even find the right soul mate. I've lost faith & trust. I seriously feel that I could end up being gay. hahaha... The alpha female~

I thought they were going strong & were displaying perfect couple image... I thought wrong? Or are the guys not stepping up to the relationship?

I'm not gonna dwell into their relationship. But it affects me knowing my besties are hurt by such foreign matter I barely understand. 

I count myself lucky not to fall into the the wrong relationship just because I wanna escape from loneliness. A list of perfect wanting & a strong foundation of naturally built sensibility saved me from a false hope. Also not to forget some good advise from some fwens I found comfort in. 

However, the mind is week & when the heart lusts & desires for affection, the principle of survival from heartache might not work. Even though the mind doubted the sincerity, the heart says give it a try. I guess in my case the head rules, assisted by my pride & dreams. 

While I was calming a fwen the other day, I gathered my thought on my wanting. She questioned me about my wanting in a boy & I told her & I knew it was the truth. 

I wish my other half was the entire complementary portion of me. 

He is gotta covers my indecisiveness which means I don't mind to let him lead me on where to go, where to eat, be the boss on matters I don't mind given up on. 

He is gotta covers my laziness & unwillingness to complete myself with complicated skills. 

He is the computer master, geeky enough to help me solve all technology matters, read all the electrical devises' catalog, lead me & guide me in life, teach me subjects I rather hear u sing about it than to read all them in Wikipedia myself.  Be my savior. 

In fact he is gotta be my google search & my Edward. To be able to read me & know me.

He must be a good person. A huge subject to explore on... too subjective. 

Down right simple. I could really love a good person regardless of how he looks. But the definition of good is huge. He has gotta be Sami, Nabi Muhhamad & Jesus to really win my heart had he not been good looking at all. 

Of course brilliant, talented bunch of males exude charms & charm is one thing I truly look for in a guy for a good 1st impression. Like beauty to a guy. Having wanting all above mentioned and more, declining options & not accepting chances, I risked seeking none. I'm not a damngodprettywoman to begin with. I'm so flawed, I think I deserved none of what I wanted. 

Extreme ego is a direct measure of the level of insecurity towards a person. I am a walking breathing example of such person. Perfect illusion to safeguard a weak figure. 

See. It's that simple. A perfect wanting list to keep my dear heart protected. 

I will surrender my dignity, pride & beyond for the right person. Be ruled & Be little. But for that, I will risked being vulnerably exposed. I'm saying that if I were to be hurt so bad at my age, I think I would have a difficult time to get healed. Forgive me for being very stingy in sharing my kindness.

LOL

A lot of boys perhaps don't understand cuz those that are lack of experience being just broken a few relationships wouldn't know why certain gals behave the way they were. 

Gals insecurities are parallel with the relationship's intimacy. Gals like it when the partner could tell her emotion & needs by not speaking about it. Cuz the moment they do, they are ready for an argument or a fight. Worst is when they give up. 

Perhaps like many boys out there, you will say how on earth boys could guess the dramas in a gal's head. 

It's a testimonial.
It's either you're willing to learn or not cuz 90% women on earth are like this. The gal didn't ask you to understand her. She wants you to observe her. If you could just put a little effort, you could easily saved ur ass from spitfire. This could be the real difference between like & love. I truly believe that 'when a man loves a woman', man will be most willing to learn her woman like the way he could tell from A-Z about his favourite soccer team (pls check out the song lyric sang by Michale Boltan which speaks nothing but truth)

Anyway, I was kept reminded that I am already 25. I often have the idea I could perhaps or better just live till 50 yrs old. I'm already half way there. I better start chasing~ accomplishments.  XD

Since a very young age ago, I have set my marriage age to 27 or 28. I don't know why I did it. But 28 is my new 25. So there's no rush for a serious relationship. Really? I think so...

I just want my gals to be happy. 

Whoever there, please be kind okay.

Remember that you have mother, sister and future daughter. 

You mess around, karma will have that noted & find its way for a payback.

The night ended with a full moon view purfectly in sync with the stars filled sky.

:)

A happy day. A lot of laughter. 

Seems like this cultural celebrated holy day has spare me with a wonderful time with friends.

Bought another book. I hope it's a good one. 

I don't like false hope.

 

A week of F.U.N. 3 weeks of TORTURES.

We have 5 weeks this month. In order to maximize my fun in 2nd week, I first had to clear my work in week one.

The feeling of ditching my work was a trillion times pleasurable than dumping a boy.

Worried about my sales though but who cares right.

Took a 3 days leave but it seemed a little wasted as those should be here were not around & those promised to come FFK me.  Possibly I was too positive about my planning. Thinking that each and everyone would be as dedicated as me. 

 I am disappointed. Every decision comes with consequences. I too have to make sacrifices. I took leave 1 month earlier once I knew the big day would be 905.

It was a volunteering commitment I made to NTLP & to my friends. 

I am ready to face my abandoned works towering my table once I return.

It knew how difficult it must be for them who FFK me. Their work nature and whatever they are doing must be engulfing them so badly they couldn't compromise. It must be hard.

However, I was still very much delighted to see my juniors on rehearsal & the actual day itself. Fantastic job. I met Elecoxhot, a famous dancing troop in Malaysia. I was star struck when I approached Chris. I blushed. LOL.

Good performances overall. Not gonna touch on the details here. 

The next day was a Super Gathering with all NTLP kakis.

Sadly none of the group photo has my existence. I need to leave early cuz I travel daily. I was really unhappy. I wish I could stay long enough to congratulate the performers and catch up with fwens. I drove to Bangi & back for the first time on Friday. Yay!

The week has been crazy! Bapa reformasi has certainly wooed many fans & the respond from his gathering was overwhelming. 

My week has been fun too however overshadowed by a number of matters. 

I didn't got to see many favourite faces. I'm not keen on surprises. Not many of them are pleasant. FFK me on the last minute prior to the big day is no fun. Either you don't promise or that you confirm much earlier with me, a person who expect your arrival. 

People who say couldn't make it and then pops up somewhere in nowhere is no fun either. Cuz you allow me no time frame to allocate my time to see you if you were at all expecting me.

*
Return to hell right away on the Monday of week 3. The start of ATM week. Cases stuck badly. Acceptance were poor meaning my target was screaming for attention. Customer was chasing after me. I just have no room to breathe. 12 hours work daily needed on ATM week.

Finally, Monday of week 4 arrived. Handled over the shift to the next person. I was so done with those crazy machines. Time to chase bloody cases. The week was all about rush. Pushing sales. The worst sales of the year. I have never been this bad. :( :( Fear was accelerating. Ego was literary shamed.

SIGH! PMS lagi... the week was very cruel to me. I'm not sure if public holiday on weekday is a good thing now. Less a workday on weekday meaning chances to go back to work on weekend is higher.

I'm definitely going back this saturday. There goes my life. FML. Such bitch u life.
I haven't touch Edward for a long time. :( :(
I sympathized myself.

 Depressing. 1XFUN; 3XTORTURES. Unfair.