My bff said that me and my boyfriend is in a crisis.

Haha... what a brilliant way to call the situation'ship'.

Despite the fact that i truly love him. And the fact that he said he do too.
Wait. He never say he loves me.
Words are cheesy huh? So, he is a man with action.
But with limited action so i guess at times i feel it, many a time i dont.

I dont believe it wholeheartedly. I really would want to. But i dont know how for now. I dont even know if this is my insecurity issues or lack of convincing actions by le bf.

I was touched when he drove me to hq interview last wednesday all the way from tampin to seremban and to KL. A short paktor date. I was more looking forward to our short paktor date than the exploratory interview. The interview could be a big deal, could be not. But i dont think i present myself too well. More like a lecture in the room.

This is how rare our dates are. So sacred. So precious.
Despite the fact that we worked under the same roof and that his physical hometown is 45 min from mine.

When logics came into the debate against defenses that my heart keeps throwing in, i become very unbalance.

I just cannot deny that a lot of times i really feel lonely. And i wonder after the talk we had on that evening, will things get better?

I will never force you do things that you wouldnt do. But if that is the right thing to do, you might need to perhaps work on your comfort zone and weight on the importance of them. Maybe you have yet to have confidence in our relationship. That is the only reason i could name which loosely translate that you dont love me that much... hmmp. Maybe i think too much but this is exactly how i feel. Do you ever feel that i love you any less? You will only feel i love you too much. Feeling cant lie.

I dont bug you too much on daily basis cuz i know you dont like it. While you dont know how to make me feel secure... maybe you just dislike doing that.
You got better things to do than to make your gf feel good eventhough she dont see you daily.

I dont know if this is the way you love your gurlfriend. Maybe your ex never demanded too much from you. But i dont want to be your ex and im not your ex yet.

When a woman feel something is off, mostly it is true. When i feel that you dont love me, you either dont love me enough. Or you just dont.

You have not even date me for vday.  You may be a traditional man with no excitement to all these dates or anniversary. But if you dont expect me to expect that i wish to spend those days with you, then we are really in a serious crisis. I even have to remind you that i have friends waiting for me if i am available on Vday. I dont want to spend the day wasted feeling alone when i actually have a bf. If that is so, your presence have no value to me. Or i guess maybe it is my presence that possess no value to you.

We dont get to spend much time together. Thus specific datings becomes crucial to me.
Last year you wish me happy valentine day on 11.45pm after i came out watching deadpool with my bestfriend. We were stuck in the phase of courtship then.
But if this year you make me wait for your invitation but only to dissapoint me and do the same as last year. I will break up with you.
To prevent this catastrophic event, i have alerted you on my back up plan. And demanded you to tell me if you would want to spend the day with me. If not please do tell me earlier.
Now, am i being overwhelming?
Have i not been kind and considerate?
Im giving my bf a way out for him to excuse himself shall he not wanted to spend vday with me.

To be honest, having a bf doesnt mean you need to have him in my every day life. But if having bf but still living like i have nobody, then something must be wrong. He become merely like a good dreams which visited me some days in a month.


Help me to understand this.
I dont know how to calm mountains of questions and discomfort.
We have talked many times about this. The outcome are still the same.
At the end i only got myself to blame cuz i demanded too much.

Maybe im just needy.
Im sorry.

Help me battle this inner devil.

I set myself a new FB page. 

Instead of spamming my wall i can spam a page of which people will choose to stay put with my random wisdom quotes, by willingness.

Lmao.

I have wanted to do it for a long time.

I love poetic. But im no way close to Lang leav.

And i have so much things to talk about but not many of them can be publicly discussed. And all my friends are so far away from me. Imagine a book full of lives but sitting in a shelf with no attention given. Yea... that is me. 

And my blog is far from any sign of positivity. 

Thus it has been refrained from being share out and im hiding it time to time to prevent satelites and loud speakers to tell everyone my unpublic love story. 

Yet. Not yet. I dont know how and why and when it would be. Dont ask me. Decision is not in my hand. 

Leo has always been open. I would have wanted the world to be happy for me that im lovingly attached. I would love to share how nice it has been to finally call him mine. Or yet. Of cuz along with many hiccups and some dramatic nonsense and pms posts with lotsa unspoken sourness from just my point of unfair views. 

Im just playing along the rules.

The volcano is still young and immature. Before it stabilizes i guess it is wise everyone leave this volcano alone to work out its things. 

Yes. Let us work out fine and when things is finally right, my man will proudly acknowledge and announce our romance accordingly.

I bet he wont. But we will see. 

Does it matter?

As an assurance to my insecurities and my pride, yes it does matter.

...

I think i dont just have ocd. Im developing cronic multiple personality disorder too. Muahahaha...

Before the kind and lovely joanne came back into the picture.. imma gonna post this out and unprivate my account again. 

So long beaches. 😏👿

Our dates do not come easy. So it makes so much sense for me to have every date a highlight. Silly me. I wonder if this happen to other people too.

Im so happy with most Sunway Velocity has to offer. Both the accommodation and the mall.

And of course him.

I love it when you smile and started to take care of yourself.

Posting this made me miss you already.

There will be another long break before we can pamper ourselves again. :(

Sales convention is this coming weekend and you would be occupied with people and functions.

Take good care and relax dear.

He doesnt really like taking photo and being taken in photo. So these are all candid shots.

I was very moody after you sent me home. And the talk we had about the problem im facing made me certain that i did not choose the wrong guy.

You are not just a listener, you are a thinker. You solve problems.

You can be reliable if you care and im glad im in the priority list. 

Thank you dear.

If only i can have more of you instead of just hearing most of you.

2017/2018. Wishing upon the stars.

Happy Birthday Love

Thank you Mrs Koo for such a beautiful man you made him be. 

Bless him with good health and happiness for him to continue your legacy, to care for the family.

He is a wonderful sweet family boy :)

I will support his route to recovery and continuous passion to be well in life, as long as i am capable of.

Checked in on the eve of new year to Ibis Style KL hotel after much negotiation with babe for which accomodation to choose from. He said must get the best deal wor... I made a special noting to the hotel that we have a birthday boy and we came into the room with this view. 

I was laughing so hard and was jumping around. I think i was more amused by it than it surprises my boy. But he kept the balloon fight on and obviously i was the victim. Ciss... i provided him bullet to knock me out.... notty ass. 

Feast for my king.

New year at Mid Valey. We tried the premium GSC seats for the movie All The Money In The World. Damn the seats. Very uncomfortable. Why are the more expensive seats got my back feeling more sore... Hmmp.

We end the day by singing the whole night away. The last time we sang karaoke was in July. The month we almost called it quit. 

Baby has a great voice. Wasted if he does not train it and get it be judged if it could potentially goes somewhere. 

Didnt manage to blow a candle with you this year. Im not even sure if you would want to. But i think a prayer, a warm wish and a sincere thought for your well being and our well being are more delightful.

2017 broke your heart and forces you to be strong regardless you are ready or not. Not a day im okay knowing you are not fine. 

Who are we kidding right?

Recovery is just a word we use to tell people hey, i have move on. Life goes on and i have to brave the world with an obvious heartbreak you cant possibly see but guess what? I have n will continue to live on.

And you would and im not gonna let you face it alone. I thought i couldnt take care of someone else anymore after my dog passed on. 

Never know how love really functions huh? 

It this isnt love, i dont know what it is at all. 

Dear love, i could never replace the most important lady in your life. 

But i hope when you see me, you can see a similar warm, love, confidence and joy in me.

Embrace every low for every celebration because it will never be the same. Be brave.

2018; to ensure and help my love rise up. Let him and family be protected. Let them be blessed with health and family harmonious.

Blessed my family and let their dreams come true.

And my best friends too... hope they all continue to be well and happy.

Mine? Lets just ensure all of them get what they wish for while ill take care of myself. 

I just seek for the luxury of freedom for space n time to travel places with my love. 

That would be very nice. 

Im not hard to negotiate with. Im not greedy for myself. That is a great deal right? 

:)

Im not ready to face 2018.

But i cant wait to detach 2017 either.

So i kinda stuck in this stuffy buffer period and thank goodness im not working these 2 days.

Happy marriage Woon Pei Chen. Sorry i missed your wedding. I wish nothing but the very best marriage life ahead of you. You sweet petite bunny, be happy always okay?!

2017;  a year of loss and gain.

I dont know how life judges its nature and how it truly works. The best person might not be able to get to live longer while the innocents cant be exempted from sickness and pain. And then there are us striving to live and not always being contented.

And there are others who couldnt get passed dramas, traumas... 

Life is too short. You never know it is over until it is too late. Some people never get to say goodbye.

Yet many of us take it for granted of what we already have. Sinners. When will i learn too?

2018 resolution! Lets just keep things simple.

1. Work out lar... 52kg in 3 months.

2. Promotion by year end.

3. Dress well to work every fucking day!

30 is my new 27!

Kthxbai. Ciao!

Made my love a special dedicated gift.

I hope he loves it.

He has demanded not to have any gift or surprise.

No special celebration or whatsoever.

Hmmp. All planning to go on budget. 

Save for emergency.
Omg! Mana mia rumah orang tua this old soul came from?

Dear...
You didnt make it easy on me. Not doing anything is a no no for leo. Im more excited for your birthday than my own. If you put a scale and measurement on what can or cannot be done, it will restrict my creativity on how i can execute my inner passion to make your day.

But i know this year, laying low is a better option as a respect to your family. I promise to unleofied myself. But no next time.

It has been the longest since i ever plan for anyone's bday or make so much effort to pull this off.
So next time just let me okay?

Im learning many things through you. All of my ignorants are gonna be expelled soon. Thanks to you. A lady being too independant is not a good sign too yea. Haha...

My last day at work.
Old work debts are not paid.
Such ironic.

Walking out from bank defeated. Admitting defeat to time and my fatique n sickness. Dizzy for the whole of the day. Mc for the past 2 days. Being the last soilder walking out of the warzone i consider myself a winner. Hmmp. I even forgotten the plan to take a last day at job 2017 selfie.

Sudah la...
Sudah tua.
X de mood selfie with makeupless face + sick cat mia face. Langsung no selera. Lolz

Gotta dig deep n find new passion to work next year. Climb some ladders and show some power. Sudah jadi dead fish 2 years dy.

Mari lah.

The one who excel during difficult times is the gloriest one. The only chance to replace old shit with new shit.
I hate my current old shit works.
Huhu... new shits possibly come with more pay n bonus. No harm trying kan.

Come la promotion. Hr see me please. Boss bias me pls. Haiz.

Time to really dress well.

3rd Christmas #withyou

Merry Christmas Dear.

Our courtship started off with a xmas date :)

Only this time we walk hand in hand.

It feels like a full circle. 

2 years back.

My favourite festival + malaysia biggest xmas tree + my love = sweet.

A wonderful eve. The best to date.

Thanks for bringing me here.

Cant wait for our new year date.

:)

If one day my relationship gone haywired i think imma declare war with pms.

Lol

I really wish to love like it was no body business.
Just me and my man. Dismiss those who doesnt matters. Other than family and close friends why would others be any matter?

I cant go public with it.
I cant confirm or deny my relationship to others.
I cant express my excitement and i cant even express my sadness.

Its killing to have this overbearing sensitivity.
I feel a lot.
Changes in your tone or typing pattern would got my brain juice working n pumping.

While, when i miss you ill be behaving like a 5 years old cry baby throwing tantrums.
Dont leave me unattended.
Little affection goes a long way.
Little coldness got me feeling blue.
Imagine little sweetness could get me over the moon. It isnt very hard.

The hardest part is always to get my big mouth saying the right thing and talk about it like a grown up. I thought falling in love on the ripe age at 29 would make me more mature in dealing with relationship.

I thought wrong.
Being in my 1st relationship meaning there are so much of expectation. So much of yearning and so much desire. While being so clueless i am also very curious. In this phase of a few months old relationship, despite having a foundation of 1 year, i need a lot of assurance. That we are fine. That things are good.
That we gonna get through this well.

We said we are going to have a good communication whenever system break down. Tried it done that and they often went well. Like a nut and a screwdriver. I often get loose and you would need to fix me up. Too much of fixation would probably made you feel fed up and i might not be worthy to keep up with.

Hmmp. Since when i become high maintanence?
:(

Problem is i overfeel and overcare.
One side of me wanting the world.
One side of me wanting the world for u.

I truly wish you have patience with me love.
I just really miss you and wanted our own space n time enough to kill my anxiety.
Those present restrictions are not helping and im not sure when n how would they be set free.

I guess i need to have a life outside this relationship.
The fact that we are gonna live like we are in long distance relationship.

I care about you so much sometimes i wish i could really hold back spilled childish feeling i potrayed.
Im sorry love. I dont wish you to feel pressure but at certain time i really could use a hug.

Im happy being with you and i wish to still have that level of comfort and happiness when im not with you.

I hope that you feel that im worth the hassle and we could work this out in a long run. Be patient with me dear.

One thing i love about you is your patience with me during our courtship. To stay long enough to see the best in me.

Will you still do?