Every last quarter of the year is a curse.
Im not being negative. It has been like this for many years.
I cant denied that. This year aint escaping.

My mom complaint of difficulty breathing right after i came back after celebrating a colleague's birthday. She always got a lot of peculiarness and complaints but this time it was different. She cant breathe, cant focus and was freezing cold n shaking.
So i suggested we go to ER columbia.

It was dramatic from then on. BP was high. Ecg test hinted blockage rhythm so the ER doctor suggested that she should admit for the night. And see heart specialist 2morow morning.

I paid for the deposit of rm 1.5k. Not long the specialist was around and he was willing to come for a visitation. After examine my mom for a bit he suggeated we do a CT scan on the heart 2morow and we could go home for the night.

It was a long night. 10.30pm to 1.30am.
I wasnt too well myself. My dad realizing we werent at home, called in and came right after.

Dear you,
Thanks for accompanying me the whole night.
I knew you were sleepy and tired.
You may not have the right words or the remedy to my sore heart but the presence really does matter.
At least i dont feel so alone.
Time like this i couldnt fight alone.

I dont understand.
Maybe im being tested on my patient level.
It was said that one wont be tested above one's ability to handle a situation.

The next day was hell. 11am to 5pm, we were at Mawar specialist hospital.
Biggest mistake ever choosing Mawar as per doctor's instruction.
Result came out and x ray shows that one of my mom vessel is blocked. Between 50% to 70%.
Doctors gave few solution and we optioned to take medicine for now. To monitor before further action.

I dont know what i should feel. This time she was more optimistic than i am... for the time being.
Too much filial too soon.
Im scare that one day that i will give up trying.
Give up caring. Give up feeling.

Im not made of steel you know.
I have limitation too.
I grow up knowing that i have to put her as priority and everything else might need to wait.
All the dreams and freedom that i seek will have to wait. And they can wait.
I wont get anything back for my deeds and i know from the get go this burden will not be shared.

But knowing and doing is different matter all together. I think i did okay. Maybe i dont have the kindest words to offer or that ill tend to complaint a lot but... anyway who cares.

Ppl who dont walk on your shoes will never understand. And people who has been on your shoes may suffer worsts.
Its all learning curve i guess.
No matter how much u speak of it. You still need to solve the problem.
Ppl sometimes judge you by what you say and not what you do. Fortunately i no longer care what others may say. They dont matter. Even those who matter doesnt care much.

This could be the reason why i built walls and stay emotionally distance with others. I tend to care too much but i dont have that big a heart to do it anymore. If i appear difficult and if you care, pls bear with me. I have many complications in my life. Thus you got to be simple. Dont add misery to my bruises.

Im very tired.
So drained.
Dont pity me.


Im not just a 11.30pm hi chat partner
And a 12am gudnite sleep wisher.
Im not "You are away, you are with friends.
You are sick. Thus i shall not disturb you.
I shall let you rest. Should let you enjoy your bff times. So i excuse myself today".

I could be a 9am good morning crush.
12pm eat well dear.
3pm suddenly thought of you. I wish to mark my presense even though you are occupied.
7pm lets get dinner mate.
9pm tv buff. The dude kenot act lar... etc etc
11pm doozing off and lets sleep early gal.
3am i cant sleep and i wish to chat with you silly.
You could be" you're away and i wish to wish you well. Are you having fun with bff? Is this sick cat feeling better today?"

Haha... i cant denied that i felt neglected and abandoned those few days.
Am i wrong to feel that way?
Perhaps i think too much and want too much?
I again forgotten who i am in the 1st place.
Perhaps i should just date myself.

The specials dates are near.
2017 is coming. Ill walk through it as a 29 yrs old lad single and tougher.

I wonder if i were to be asked of my fav moments in year 2016. Who would i thought of and which specific dates ill choose to remember for good?

What about yours?
Am i part of the good memories?
Or the sickest ones?

Best wishes. Promise me to be happy at all times.
Others dont matter. Dont worry.

Im okay.
This is not the worst.
And it wont be the last.

See me soar and catch me if i fall.
Ill repay your kindness.