One Last Time

The moment i mention this word... my heart fell.
1st of all, my distraction got distracted. It got lost and i wonder if it is doing something else busy with stuff or got some other wonders to attend to.

While it was at it, i tried to get my thinking straight and explore what my heart really want.

I am someone who wish to escape all pain and suffer if i can so i dont have to face them and make any decision.
So i often chill 1st and cry later kinda Bitch.
You may bully or hurt me today but ill probably cry 2 days later... depends on how hurtful it is i suppose. Slow emotional reaction kot. Haha...
But prior to the final reaction ill do a lot of thinking also. Weighing on decision's consequence and giving excuses to those who are involved you know like they dont mean it or i could give another chance to you kinda stuff... i mean... whats wrong with 2nd chance?

You know whats wrong with it? Some people dont deserve a 2nd chance. Some people waste it. And im just a terrible liar... cuz i may give you second chance but i will never forget your 1st mistake.

Going back to the last drama i had, today i did some revisitation to old photos and my old posts in blog.
I am wishing to reopen my blog to public. I have always been open about my blog cuz not everyone really read anyway. I feed bad when i have to hide it cuz i was having this dark period and everything written is just pure nonsense and hurtful. This part of me is not me. Its not what i want. And nobody can help me but myself. Thus i need a moment of silence.

I thought i was about to ready today but when i checked the posts for over half a year... i felt stupid. The last drama, whatever happen was inevitable. Cuz it wasnt me who trigger the shits. But the pain that came with it was so bad all thanks to my stubbornness and my believe to the impossible that so long there is still a hope and something i can hold on to, therefore ill still hold on to it. Such bullshit.

The struggle my heart went through cuz its blinded view cant make a way outta the mess. It is like the stuff i have been avoiding coming back as karma and hit me hard.

Like me believing that he could be the one and after all the heartache i still wish to believe and i still work for a hope. It took 1 fucking year, alot of confusions and only with a sharp disturbing accusation and painful lashed out I finally wake up to this funeral of the death of a beautiful friendship.

This fact is like the fact that i dont believe in god. Why i hate it and the idea of even wanting to believe a superior power beyond my scientific mindset? What harm it does to me? I was mad with it because i have no one to hold on to when my world was dark and hellish during my childhood. I pray for him to take me away. To heal my family. To give me happiness. It never happen. What i have today is due to my perseverance and because of that i appreciate my life even better. But if i can believe the human who could continuously hurt me then why cant i start believing this almighty?

I often say i wish to avoid all the negative person in my life who in anyway reflected my family members... i end up taking one more sick person and got me sicker. Pls dont get me wrong. Beneath all shits of recent, this man i adore is magnificent!
He is just not mine. I will always miss your attention. Your devoted needs and everything you have done for me. You open my eyes to a lot of views and teaches me a lot on being more relax and open minded. I couldnt thank you enough for all the sweet memories.

It was entirely my choice. My incapability to let go when i was suppose to. My inability to brave up for an earlier answer. My unwillingness to face the truth got me fallen so deep and plunged into somewhere darker. I dont wanna go there anymore. Pls. Pls pls pls pls.... pls dont do this! I dont like it there.

I revisit our photos and memories and i couldnt believe that that was the person who lashed out all the terrible words on me. Im still in a disbelieve state.

You will move on cuz 1 year is nothing to you. I dont think this is the 1st time you ever hurt anyone. I will move on with memories cuz i cant forget. You force broken this bond.

You will always have doubt in my words because of your accusation even though you know too well that i am incapable of lying. With that you plucked the purest form of foundation of a friendship. You told me you trust me. You told me however great i was to you. You took everything back when things got outta hand.

You will always have issue with my ego. My confidence is built solely by my ego to excel, my ego of self reliance, my ego of my good nature and humility. Those of what draws you to become my friend. Today you told me those are the things you cant bear with cuz i never apologize for my mistake and that i wont admit my wrong doing. My sorry is not cheap because i wont intentionally hurt those that i love. With you i have said way to many sorry. This time i wont. No more!

One last time. Knowing my behavior much too well thus i revisit one last time to have my heart completely broken so that it wont ache again the next time i see hear or talk about it. I will not even tell one more story about this cuz its damn over. I wanna recover. I wanna be healed. Thus this route i must take. I have deleted even the chat box so i wont revisit it again. Great.

This new distraction is starting to act and talk like the one that i have lost. And im on my nerve on this matter.

One last chance. Then Im done!