I always have random thoughts at the most odd hours. However my smartphone isn't smart enough for me to blog it right away. Eventually I would forgot by the end of the day or the laziness prevent me to even starting to write in.

To solve this & all problem caused by my phone, I must get a new smartphone. :P
I find it hard to make that decision. I count myself married to things that I attached with. My phone, my watch, my laptop, my bag, etc etc, they all stay until they get themselves broken. I won't buy another or even look for one if they behave & stay functional.
My bloody phone is causing me so much of discomfort. It keeps shutting down on its own, i suspect battery problem.

Yes, I'm divorcing it! I hope my Myvi stay with me for a good long run. Though I always wanted a Honda, but I can't afford to have another commitment.

My mom asked me today why I didn't want my dad to buy the phone instead. He bought my mom & my brother's when theirs are worn out. Why wouldn't I want a free gift? Really? Since ages ago, I only ask for necessity. The last most expensive gift he had given me was my Myvi's down payment. What I can do for him as a daughter was his financial freedom on my portion & my freedom of ownership. I do not want to be held responsible for people's gift. My purchase my stuff. Mine! What I do with it is my full responsibility. My freedom! I don't like being questioned, being told what to do anymore. The slightest rebellious act I can execute. So let me be.

Don't get me wrong. I love gift. Gifts that surprise, gift that's selfless, thoughtful & seeks no return. Gift that comes from the heart that seeks no expectation & interest. A gift as simple as a hug. A gift as simple as a letter from across the continents. A value beyond measurement.

I don't know what happen to me! Emotional as always. Becoming an introvert. Hating big gathering! Always so angry. Maybe I know, I just don't want to face it or not discuss about it.
As long as I can deal with it, I'm fine.

After series of unfortunate events last year, I've learned my lesson!
Nobody could help me better than myself. Talking to anyone would not solve my problem unless he could solve it for me. Good listener my ass! Maybe I haven't met strong motivator yet. I found most listener & solver wannabee irritating. I have to constantly keep reminding myself that people are just trying to help & that I should be grateful. Why do I even have to put myself into this yet another situation to deal with.

Now I don't just wanna chase perfection, I stress badly on chasing freedom.
Sorry happily ever after & a fairy tale wedding. I never wish & now I do not want you at all.
Silly right? Why would I even have that concern? Not that anybody want me anyway. 
Lol. A constant reminder is good.

I used to feel awful being neglected. Now I find silence powerful.

I watched Pinnochio today on Disney channel. Now that helps. Nostalgic! I grow up watching cartoon. The only escape I have when I was a child. Maybe I should be grateful that I even have chance to watch cartoon then. I'm still a big fans for animation. There is where I reminisce good old times. 

The other night, my family have a gathering. My aunt the good cook made some serious good dishes & as usual the family have random talks & big laugh filled the air. They throwback those happy moments during their childhood. Those poor but very happy childhood. They laughed so hard I can almost tasted their joyride of memories. I'm pretty sure my mom didn't have a fair share of good times. I'm not sure if my dad was satisfy with his cuz I was told he was a pretty good elder son for my grandma. But everyone of them know I don't have a happy one.

I. Mine was pretty intense. Haha. It wasn't a good one I must say. I turned out to be quite obedient. Understanding & good was always my label. My aunt said I was my mom's bonus. Her struggles in earlier life become fruitful in her later years, which was now, my most independent, prime stage of life.

My past shaped me into who I am today. I have manageable attitude problems but I'm okay. But I started to hate behaving the way I did. Can't help doing what I did cuz it's becoming my weapon of defense. Since nobody protect me from what I hate, I might as well jump on that matter & make a big fuss out of it before they come hurl at me. LOL. No, not like that. Never mind. None of your business.

That's why I'm grateful to those who embrace me & I don't blame those who walked out of me. I just hope you don't regret it cuz I don't bloody give 2nd chance. Those who know me knows.

Macam very repetitively right? Women! Biasa la. Nothing new in my life. Except that I'm planning a gig. Like usual I'm forcing myself to be committed with it. However, I have to seek help from my musician fwens. Not sure if they are willing to but I think they are & will make it work together for my Bday. Pls make this work. :)