Emo post, Post it.

So lifeless.

I hate every monday & friday

I did a right thing yet maybe not entirely the right way.

In a lot of situation, I never prefer verbal confrontation. Last thurday, I send an email to the superior who manage the mco's schedule. I thought I need to voice out my intention before he set the destination. So, I told him I was unable to go Johor next week & I dun wish to be sent there consecutively for the 3rd time. 

He replied that bank's business came 1st and if only I had valid reason of not to be sent there continously?

I felt a rush of angst and disappointment. I kept this for so long and I just spit it all out. 

I said that alternatively, yes, I could still make it. Traveling being the most difficult task. I said I don't think I can make him understand. It's okay and I will accept the company decision. 

I thought I was slightly bold and rude in a way that he might felt that I disrespect him. 

I felt extremely guilty. I told him many times about my situation. He was in a position where he has to be fair and arrange schedule accordingly. I knew he was always in dilemma but he was also in a place where decision can be made after comparing situations of each mco. 

He then emailed to us the destination for next week assignment. I will be placed in the branch-that-must-not-be-named, Melaka. Although I really hated the branch so badly, I have no choice. I made a negotiation with him, I got what I need, to be in Melaka instead of Johor for next week. I couldn't be possibly ask for more.

It's my choice. For the right thing- at least I presume it as the right thing. 

Johor BPT was not bad. One of the most comfortable branch of all. But the distance is seriously too tiring. & I haven't started to drive there yet. Timing not right. So it makes me so stress out, so full of guilt, so emo. 

I'm so messed up. I have this very bad habit, genetically transfer by my mom- to think a lot. I'm so easily be bothered. I care too much. 

I wanted to apologize to my superior. But, I wouldn't wanna call and if I kept doing it through email or text messages, it wouldn't be right too. 

So, I brushed the idea off, but the whole thing is still very disturbing. I'm trying so hard to believe that I did nothing wrong. I tried to seek where is the mistake. But, am I wrong at all?

I'm shivering to return to the hell. 

:'(

Sigh. 

I took leave on the 2nd & 3rd July and 2nd & 3rd August. 

I wanna have a sweet escape on my birthday. To a beach preferably. Internal Mas or external. But I guess I'm not quite inviting or people somehow find difficulty to commit to me. Timing being a problem. Expenses being a problem. Anyone in the world could ever possibly prioritize me? 

 Gosh. Why is everyone being so disappointing? Or was it me who is being dramatic? LOL

What? LOL!!!

Before I die, I would wanna visit these few places specifically. 

1) Stonehenge 

 2) Easter Island

3) Venice

4) Niagara Falls

Internal Mas within 3 years. South East Asia within 5 years. Asia within 8 years. 

A promising idea. Materialized or not is another matter. 

Being a girl has so much of disadvantage. 

So problematic. 

So irritating. 

What's most difficult is when I'm so daring but I am mistakenly trapped in a lady's body.

So trapped. 

I'm miserable. What can I do? 

Other than making so much noise here, I can only act normal and carry on life as usual. 
Fact remains that I'm not OK. I'm not K. 
But I'm not ready to seek remedy yet. I don't believe anyone could help me now.

Father's Day coming. Pa bday is also coming-within the same month. I got just a brilliant idea on what to buy for both the celebration.

:)

There are things sometimes we just knew. Was it just me or that few of you simply walk out of my life already? Part of me being disappointing. & you found another one to replace me. Yes, don't deny that and No, I'm not talking about you. In a way, it reflects you, but it wasn't entirely you. 

Pls don't bother reading anymore. 

:(