The moment you fall in love thats when you screw your heart.

Despite hardship and inner demons, i manage to pull through life considerably well.
I can make the best out of the things i hate and in a place i always wanted to leave.
Perhaps i grow to love or merely me just kinda give up fighting things which seems too tough.
Cuz kindness pulls me back.
This fucking big heart is like the sucker black hole pulling me into its shit...

Nway. Despite being manageble and kinda okay in everything else. I find my self fail in relationship.
More towards the fact that i dont know how to choose to avoid and to find.

Those who escape, trust me that is the best decision you or i made for you.

Thanks to me. You are away from one hell of a big fat bitch.

I fail in relationship big time!

I guess i fail it again...

Its going to be month end and your promises fails me.
Again!

Perhaps it is another non deadline kinda never ending empty promises.

:'(

Happy belated birthday to you.

I didnt know. Cuz you never tell.
And i dont know why you never do.
You choose this.
I dont know why i feel bad.
I feel so heavy hearted.

It was short but very special.
It wasnt convincing. But it was lovely.
It was an infactuation. So strong i knew it would go terribly wrong or i would be hurt.
You are special.

I wish you success and happiness :)

While.

Me and my unofficial boyfriend.
You always make me question my position and your bravery/decision.

I think im really better be left alone.
Im incapable of loving myself resulted that i keep expecting sky high demands on others on how to treat me right. Forgetting the fact that everything people do voluntarily is a way of love and affection.
Because i could do so much more.
But it is just me.
Just me.

Am i wanting too much?
Is my want too much for you to give?

I came to realize material fulfillment is much easier to be obtained. Emotional needs are the terrible ones.

Are we making the right decision?

Last 20ish Birthday.

Low maintenance.

High expectation.

Easy yet demanding.

Difficult but flexible.

The next time whenever public need to know anything at all about me, ill mention the above mantra.

It is funny how FB kept reminding me days on previous years up to 7 to 8 years back.

And i saw how my bday celebration got smaller but more meaningful :)

Every year i see myself seeking different wanting.

But one thing remain the same.

Being loved and in love.

I guess the hardest subject in the world is often rule by the rebelious heart.

One that never listen and one that never bow to rules.

Selfish and fragile.

Initial plan for this year bday was to have a gateway to an island. But things got in the way though i have taken a week off.

So 2nd plan took place. Fulfill the checklist of having an expensive fine dining experience facing my still iconic klcc view with a guy i still fancy of.

Dinner took place at Thrity8 @ Grand Hyatt hotel, a 5 start hotel. The research took place last year and i came upon this restaurant and im drawn to all the reviews. I have decided there and then that it would be my 1st fine dining experience in KL.

But every decision i made somehow link to his preference. Ever since i knew that feeling, everything i do or plan will have him and his well being on my mind. 

I wonder if he ever knew that i care so much. 

Perhaps he thought he did the same and wonder if i ever knew. 

:) Funny issues we have. Yet we felt that we are not compatible. Big time. 

I could have another person sitting across the table but i dont think i ever wanted any other way.

Overall the dinner was a decent experience.

I had a table booked with klcc view. One that came with TnC that i have to spend a min Rm500 a la carte menu or a couple menu set of rm425 but the list of food were not very appealing.

The hotel and view were spectacular. You immediately feel expensive being there but yea... like he said you could buy 10 person dinner with better food at another place with the same amount spent. Hahaha... 

Ikr.

He dressed to the occation and my o my... one charming man indeed. A compliment i never gave him but he knew i approved of.

But its my birthday. I made the call.

It would be perfect if all these were all pre planned by your loved one. I would be totally pleased and spoiled maximally. But these all aint practical and he will never do it. Thus i would never have these experienced. So no, ill make the call.

So yea. I threw myself a luxurious party. Wohoo... a pat on the back Jc.

I wish to spend the night at the same hotel but it cost a bomb price at rm1006 per night. I guess thats another level of expenditure... perhaps on another year bday.

I had a staycation at another hotel.

Not before a movie and a karaoke season which he set me up. Our night ride end by 3am.

I demanded a special movie date. And he got us a Bennie special seat at Sunway Putra watching my fav Baby Driver. 

The seating was fucking uncomfortable and both of us were so annoyed. Haha... no more bennie...

Seriously i dont understand how others can be so comfy while i was struggling to balance my shoulder and my butt. Well, I guess mainly cuz i was on a short exposing mini dress with a pair of killer heels.

Spending the night with a man you knew you have feeling for (mutually) need a lot of trust knowing and believing that he wouldnt touch you unless you are ready.

Knowing that he wont and trusting that he wont try to seduce me is totally different issues.

I have trust issue with men, generally human in existence but when it comes to him, I have no doubt. Trust is the ultimate foundation in a relationship right?

I walk out from an infatuation to a humble man who persist. Your indecisiveness causes mine to behave the same. 

But I have chosen a thoughtful coat over a romantic bouquet of roses. 

Both who has yet to make me see beyond years.

Both who has caused and will cause me heartache.

I believe everyone who crosses your life long journey brings you value in life.

They either teach or take something to or from you.

Both experience will be added value in moulding our future.

Sometimes choices decide their own fate.

I just stand still watch them choose.

I no longer wanna force your participation in my life. Come what may. Just dont fool around and waste my time shall your intention is not clear.

I am at my ripe age of 29 now and im sad to tell that i am not sorry to make bad calling or to make decision that should be good to my well being. 

I am also blessed with part of the innocents to trust and be trusted on promises and that i should have faith in certain prospect in life. 

I am thankful to the beyond aged's maturity that i have to be able to understand my wants and needs so that i could only make wrong decision with a conscious being.

Thank you for the time spent and effort made.

I had a great time.

I guess we are getting there. Not official.

Make it.

You have your last shot baby.

:)

Kota Tinggi... i mean Bukit Tinggi.

My lmao face. Everytime im happy my face fails me. I either look smashing pretty or i look awfully wrong. He says i looked natural. Well. Im not sure if that is a compliment or what. But i love whatever appear in that very shot. :)

Somehow i couldnt bring myself to look at him while he take my photo. I guess im adjusting. I feel so shy...

I guess he is adjusting too. He dislike taking photo but tag along anyway. Buff up your camera skill dude.

I really love this shot of ours.

We have come a long way. 

To here. This place.

From where we were. Todate.

From the day i was certain to how confused i am now.

One thing for sure is that i love seeing you happy.

I love seeing you laugh like a silly boy and carefree.

I miss that.

I am happy if i could be the reason behind your smile. Be it because of my clumpsiness or my random ass jokes. Or simply because you like seeing me around.

This is one of the place i always wanted to go.

Thanks for all the long hours drive to make my dream came true.

You may not be the boy with surprises but you will try your level best to make my day.

Please dont fail me again.

Because this is the last chance and the very last time we try.

Thank you for the road trip.

It means a lot :)

My last 20 ish bday is nearing.
And yet im left dumbfounded on what i should and could do on the big day.
Apparently it is just another day.
If im not celebrating it with someone i like or care,
I dont wanna celebrate it anymore.

Rather i just wish to do something diferent and special on that very date so when i think back i can recall the year.

The last 2 years celebration was rather forgetable except for my lovely gals who never fail me.

This year everyone was busy and far away.

I found it very disturbing how one can act like they care in one minute and then be gone by another second. I cant even fake a face if i dont care about you.

How scary and cruel it is.
Again proven apps dating sucks. Haha
Im saddenned that it only takes 3 dates to find out that you're tired of me.
Or leo just couldnt get another leo.

Im thinking of hiding away that week. I've taken the whole damn week off.
So wish to spend it on an island and some beaches. Too bad again i buy chance that i could go and plan it with someone special.

And yet again specials one always back off on most crucial times. Haha... fuck you all greatly. :/


What have i done you wrong?

Seriously.

It is time to finally wake up and do things for my own.

Im really really tired. :(

What has happened?

A U turn and a dead end.

I would be very happy if you have take the lead much earlier.

Im not a coal. Simple ignition to restart the fire.

Im more like a wet matches. Lol.

Im undecisive and im so scare of hurting you.

Talking about matches.

I found a broken one which got burnt out too quickly as soon as it has begun.

Wasted. But i know im not deserving.

So tired.
Gtg sleep.

When you have trouble and phobia in making choices no thanks to the fucking OCD mental fucking disease and you gotta make a single choice cuz apparently a heart can only be owned by one soul.

How dumb am i? Rather innocent?

I am really the simplest person ever.
Mostly im being misunderstood due to my personality and appearance.

I either being taken as overfriendly too open minded or the other extreme as bitchy demanding and difficult to be pleased.

Purlease! Seriously.

What scares you most always comes find you.

And they did found me.

How am i not hitting the lotery but got all these awards for being a nice person??

Has the world gone mad??

Lol.

Okay okay.

I threw away a letter from 11 years ago.
1st crush. Denying my affection. On today. His bday. How coincident that you probably think that i staged this whole agenda up. Haha...

No. I did not... i was packing and filtering my gems which are overloaded and not organized.
And i saw it and i had an urge to read it again.
Nope. Not again. I tore them before my lil heart screammed no. Bubye... curse no more. Fuck u lil piece of shitty paper.

No i dont hate him. He was the 1st cutest banana i ever known. I truly wish he find one person he loves and capable to love him more than friend as well.

On the other hand.

Big sigh.

What is happening to my life?

Am i not good at handling my personal agenda?
They say buat baik dibalas baik kan?

Please know that my heart ache as much as you the moment i had to deliver the news that i might be seeing another. I can dont inform you but i could never let you be the last to know if i ever walk out.

Having to walk out from something that i have invested so much thinking that he could be one that changes my life sucks.
It is like a suicide leap over a building.
A decision built by despair and dissapointment and knowing ending it all is the only solution to keep both party comfort as priority.
A decision i fear and knowing that i will not revisit the same love twice caused me frustration.
I was one leg above air and edging to fall freely to start another phase but i hesitated again.

4 hours of texting and no problem solve. Again! Im so very tired really.

I came with a conclusion.
If we are meant to be we will be.
If you believe in faith. Then lets the nature take its couse.
If you believe in yourself, then do as your wish.
If you believe in love, work your hardest to secure you desire.
As simple as that. Dont complicates life which is complicated as hell.


If i am too much of a husstle, too hard too costly too overwhelming, then it is not worthy for the price.

I will not wait for you because i could not accept the reasons given. I understood your kind intention and the whole idealogy. But to me, frankly speaking you dont love me enough. And that is enough.

Certainty in life is bullshit.
Guaranteed of all truth in life only happens in mathemathics where formulas always lead you to an answer of certain.

Im not going anywhere.
But if someone successfully came by and sweep me off my feets. I wouldnt resist this time. Im not gonna chase them away telling them that im attached or i have my heart locked and will wait for that one guy.
If i choose him over you it is because he wanted me enough to prove his worth and not because i love you any less.

I cant unloved someone i ever loved. Im not A.I.
But i will try to forget you. And try to move on.

Thank you for your kindness your patient and all the good beautiful memories.
I dont think we can ever talk about all these face to face. So if you read me. I wish that you knew what you ady felt that i have chosen you once. And it matters.

Lets see what the balance 2017 might take me to.
And im going to lose it this year.
Claim your price!

*

Some people has no sense of consistency.
Sigh. As expected. Fuck tinder
What do you expect? Haha...
Just like everyone say... tinder is a hook up apps.
What? Like you expect true love coming out of it?
Well. I thought i got lucky this time.

*

I re read a letter from my old time bff. She wrote to me that she prefer to call me ah yan. A girl she knew. She dont know who is joanne.
Joanne is not familiar to her. So much of Joanne she is not know of.

I begin to not understand myself too.
Who am I? What do i really want?
What is happening?
:(