It has been a year long and it felt like forever.
The faithful day of 10 jan 2016. Well problems occurred way earlier but the ultimate curse of decision forced its way on the said date.

So many things have changed.

Good and bad. Good and bad.
Great and worst.

2016 is one heck of a long year.
Towards the end of it i coulnt take it anymore.
Everyday i hope it will end faster. I chase after the day for a brand new year.
In a way i hope it could bring me new light.
Despite failing the recurrence desires, i found my self a proud owner of 2 houses.
Existing parents' house and the one next to it.
Despite not having expertise as buyer, guided by my banking experience i managed to do everything by myself.

My parents were spared from the misery of having to help me in anything at all.
After 5 years of working, i finally manage to do what i need to do. Despite it being not my wanting, it was for the necessary.
From the get go i knew i have to be tough and independent. But i knew i wasnt meant to be that.
I have a bad manja nature and im clingy.
Im afraid of messy troubles and hate making decision.
But i just have no body to depend on.
Fortunately i have people around me that i could seek help from. The colleague. The lawyer. The superior. Those that involved in the whole procedure. Thanks to my good banking financing behaviour and capacity. I managed to deal with it nicely.

Next step is to renovate the house.
God. The house! Sigh.
Nevermind. Mama gonna make u decent and presentable.
I will find a way. Despite being lazy as hell and totally not having an idea how to start. I will find a way.
I will make it happen.
Sadly im on my own again.
These are the things i really need advise and good people around to assist. But... sigh.
This will only enhance my superior ego as again life has proven that i need no body to survive. Lol...
Sudah lah...
Its all for the best.
It shall only be for the best.

In fact i have the whole house for my own creativity.
Counting the days to kick start this whole renovation work and moving in asap.

Mom is getting sicky and her dreadful superb negativities is eating me alive consuming and draining my soul. Everyday there is a new trick coming out. From the hormonal issues to blood pressure. From the unrhythmic heartbeat to blockage of heart vessals and her never dying dizziness. Her astma attacks. Blood pressure yoyo game and the latest one being thyroid gland got blotted. Not sure wat kinda cyst. But it will be ignored untill cny is over. Not to forget her kidney being weak, cholestrol issues, and other minor repetitive health matters.

I dun wanna fall as low as her. Im trying my very best to deal with it.
But the realy scary thing is to face the truth.
The eerie feeling of facing my dying dog is coming back to haunt me.
I remember vividly how i always wish to be away from home. Trying to escape reality that my dog is dying. Trying to ignore the fact so that i could cheat my mind that my baby is fine and so long im not facing it, i dont have to deal with the truth.

You have no idea how fucking painful for me to feed my baby medicine only to prolong his life. To apply medicine to his body of which is rottening and torning. To watch his pain and his difficult breathing. To see him suffering stroke and blindness. Unable to walk and urinate and eat and breathe. Always have to call walk in animal doctors cuz he was too big and too weak to travel in the car.
2 kind indian doctors came at least 5 times prior to his last day.

You had no idea. You had no freaking idea!
You had no idea how i wish to die making the decision to let him die peacefully with an injection.
I presume it was a letting go detaching him from misery. But perhaps i was just choosing not to face it anymore. I killed him. I could have wait for his nature calling but i chose to let him die.
You had no idea how awful i need to live on as a murderer to my baby whom i have love for 12 years.
Who was my life and my everything.
He was my love. Jcdagreat died the same day he died. I was never the same person i was.

Im not a good daughter.
I really am not.
I wish i dont have to deal with this alone. Yet again she has only me to depend on.
Im having a really sour shoulder.
I beg you please slightly uplift certain pain from me. Dont throw me so many hardship at one time.
I know you dont like me. But please just please ease it with your kindness. Please.

Elderly sickness and deterioration are inevitable.
But... you are not playing fair.
You are not fair to me.

Im raising my ignorance level.
Im really tired. For the longest time i dont feel
uplifted.

Walking dead. Haha...
Bear with me.
Those who care.
Please do care.

When i do reach for you.
Please know that i really couldnt help it anymore.
Thank you.