It is hard to dislike someone who you once like.
No matter how much he/she might have hurt you.
What changes is the way we see them.
And that we move on.

I was once told that timing is important.
It is nothing if both lovers fall in love at the wrong time.

I could have love him alot and he could have wanted me equally but we just arent compatible at the moments due to different needs and desires.

I wanted a soulmate. He wanted a lover.
Little things he did reminded me the reasons why i have fallen for him in the 1st place.
But it is different now.
He is still the same boyish spot on boy that i know of but i no longer linger for him.

Thats when i know someone else is occupying this broken lil heart.

Its quite a drama if you must say. If you ever ask me then if i would like to be chased by younger boys under the same roof at around the same time today... i would have called u crazy.

What is this luck with the younger boys?
What have i done to deserve the attention?
I seriously have no idea.

Perhaps of how i becoming me? Getting comfortable at being myself kinda elevates me and perhaps that is attractive to new generation?

Lol

What i knew then was that i have liken some boys of my peers when i was their age but not having the same love returns. There were also time where some boys of my age liken me but i never know how to show equal liking to them. All throughout the uni time, i think i got myself 4 cupids kot. And one of them recently have their home loan application arrived to my hand with another girl (current gf)... how disturbing.

Hmmp.

While i found myself genuinely being occupied everynight with phone calls of which has been consistent for the past i think 3 weeks, i still lack the feeling of being completely secured.
I wonder why am i rushing and to where...
I guess it has to do with phobia of guessing and waiting.

Women are stupid. Women will forever be stupid for the men they love.
No matter how outsmart woman over her man, she will still choose to be somewhat level to him at max just because she loves him.

And how stupid a woman to her man is depend mainly on how much she loves her man.
And on love she build trust.
On trust most man build betrayal.

Hmmp.
Sad.
I have my whole live surrounded by bad role models of men and women.
Trust is a huge deal. Betrayal no matter how insignificant it is a betrayal.

I built my life trying to be open with all sort of ideas and matters. Trying to accept all kinds so that i could take in changes and new things. Thus i only wish that those who genuinely appreciates me do not lie to me. Tell me. Tell me ahead. So that i know and that i would feel my importance.

I always feel that the only man who can satisfy me by feeding my soul is only me. I dont have to ask myself to treat me right. I just know how. But that is imposible to want this on others. It is not their job to satisfy me. It is not their duty even as legal partner.
That is another complicated issue to begin with.

Seriously, now i finally understand why those time they put complicated as their relationship status.

Adoi. It took me 28 yrs to understand it. Haha...
What the hell...

Aish.

Every year i wish i could tone down and not make a fuss on wantings on my bday. But i guess i fail every year and this year is no exception. Im eagerly waiting for my bday to come. Those time when i would be surrounded by friends, my bday would be celebrated masively with big group gathering and lotsa happening things specifically from form 6 onwards.

But lately, friends are disperse far away. The best ones are always the furthest.
I will still anticipate because i believe how much you are loved is by how it is celebrated on special occassion. That is why i often look forward to special days like xmas and new year and bday.

I wish to see if i meant anything to people i care about. Not that it should be any kind of fwenship measurement devise but it somehow reflects me as a person and how much love i deserve from others.

Maybe i am wrong but there is no harm being happy waiting for bday to come. At least im happy being alive and is looking forward to age another year elder.
If this year expectation do not come true, ill make sure that day is a worthy remembering as well cuz nobody is gonna spoil my day ever again.
And i chose to work again on my bday this year.
Hmmp. My initial planing didnt work. I never thought of taking the house this urgent spending all my saving on it and my bonus come so late. Late august.

I guess holiday can be postponed anyhow....

Still anticipating.
If he fails me this bday. He wont get another year trying.

I like you calling me everynight.
And im happy i can be the reason helping you sleep well at night.

You became my every goodnight and my happy pills everyday. For that im grateful :)