Im being very emotional lately. That feeling of not wanting to communicate, to answer or to come clean and wondering what and who to tell is devastating. It happened when my 1st dog died. It happened when my grandpa died. It happened badly when my dearest 2nd dog died. So whats the deal this time you ask?

My mom did a pap smear test and not that we dont already know but this time it was confirmed some growth in the neck of uterus. Doctor recommended to get it off with several manner of operation methods to choose from. 

She being the weak and vulnerable couldnt handle it and cried whole day. Me acting tough can only carry on to act tough and be her pillar of strength. 

It was bad to know that the closest one is sick and you are simply helpless. Its worst when she is indecisive on whether or not to proceed with operation. Me being completely clueless on this matter can only keep encourage her to talk to women around to get more reality check that it is a normal sickness and many of them had gone thru it. Talking is easy but standing on her point of view is different. She is afraid of operation let alone dying in operation. Sigh. 

Im scared too. I dont want this to happen. Everything about her bothers me, which is a good thing cuz i guess i love her. All my life i just wanted her to be happie. When im trying so hard, her never ending misery life put another spin in her pathway. Why? Although the sickness she has isnt an immediate life threatening illness in comparison with my cousin's which i think was spindle sarcoma cells cancer attached to her stomach and liver.

She is a cancer survival and is recovering and still under chemo which leaves her a bag of bones.

It is a pitiful sight but it isnt half of what her mother is enduring. Now im dealing with it, i sometimes wonder if i can choose to endure my mother sickness, would it be better?

I know i had a breakdown too when i first discover that i have a benign in my left breast. But it isnt cancer. And i left it unmonitored for the past ermm...5 years. But i was just starting my higher education and that was my 1st taste of freedom period. Ofcourse i was scare of losing that all. The same is going thru with my mom. Very much the same. 

If i could take that away at least i can make call and take charge of my life. Now that i cant decide for her and i have to be part of the whole solvable misery but with uncertainty, i feel very upset. 

When sickness come visit us by surprises, i begin to suspect maybe some of my skin itchiness and some other issue maybe terminal illness too. Fml.

I hate this wanting to shut down communication feeling. Especially when i wanted to go for the 1st ever asian got talent audition. I dont have mood for preparation. I feel like pulling out. Nothing to lose anyway. I hated any kind of barriers. This specifically the ultimate betrayal life has on me. Im going anyway. 

When i took my banker exam last year, i was dealing with so much pain and sorrow. I failed it and this year they force me to retake when i told them it was a curse and i wont pass it. Indeed i failed again. It wasnt hard. I just couldnt find heart to fight hard.

Im clueless now. I wanna seek help. I wanna talk this over but if only that would even help. I know my mother behaviour. I wanted somebody positive to talk to her. Im not even close of being one and my patience is constantly wearing down. This form of desperation i dont know how many people understand. Everytime i feel like i achieve something, bad news wash ashored. Every single fucking time. I actually have my heart ready to face it but it never feel good. It just never is. 

Look. I dont seek high ambition though i have hope. I dont seek dreams come true but i have wish. I just wanted a non worrisome life. Why this piece of shit so bloody difficult? 

*

Am reading the fault in our star. Im in awe with the author's use of simple but articulate phrasing and story telling. Of course the movie with the perfect Augustes impersonation from the movie helps. 

Got myself some cheap books in Big Bad Wolf sales in seremban. Disappointed with some missing author's pieces though. Anyway, it is a small booth. Ive been to one at serdang upm hall. That was a huge one. Those time they run once yearly only.

Well. Wish me luck tomorow. I just wanna be the best i could. I cant be the best of the lot anyway.