Sad

Was very unhappy in the office today. 1st thing in the morning like usual, I don't have a place to sit. The one I occupy now actually belongs to the marketing manager. And she is freaking hardworking these few days coming every morning...times when I'm terribly busy. I moved from seat to seat to get the simplest things done 1st. Time dragged due someone else prolonging their works made me very pissed off. So it was rough in the morning. 

Cases have been crazy lots. Was stressing myself out I didn't even get proper sleep for the whole damn week. I was worried over the undone works and all sorta rubbish. Being a branch officer meaning I have to follow one case from the beginning of an application until the acceptance of letter of offer (LO). There are procedure to every stages and you don't just have one case. It wasn't easy! Especially everything has to be specifically detail. So the stress logically and naturally comes in at all times.

Since I have never approach the stage after issuance of LO, of course I will ask. I know I am troublesome. And maybe I don't know how to act according to situation. You have to understand. I freak out when I deal with something I hav no clue about. Maybe I ask too much. Maybe I'm too stupid that I needed you to guide me more than once. 

So this LO thing, boss's customers wanted to sign today. My boss was in meeting at Malacca. I only see the LO signing procedure twice. The last time wasn't anytime near. I have no clue how to assist them in signing. I ask my mentor to help me out. He kept saying that he will guide me by the side. I was on fire. I told him I don't know how. If I have some clue on it, then yes, at least I will know what the hell I would be saying, then if I made mistake, you could amend me right away. The fact is that I don't even know what those forms are for and which to which function and hell I don't even know which pages needed to be initialed. How can it be fair? I was scare... this is not something that you can simply get away with. Precision and I don't know it at all. 

I wanted to ask someone to guide me these two days expecting the customer to sign anytime but the hell cases can't be done on time. What else times I can choose to learn? Hey, I'm going back 7.30pm to 8pm everyday!

What I'm mad is that you don't help me when I needed you most. The moment I open my mouth to ask is the point my ego is shedding. I breath ego! When I open up to admit defeat, why wouldn't you see how uncomfortable I am? If you enjoy seeing me naked without my dignity, you may. But I will not ever see you the same way again. 

I was at the point of crying. It wasn't as if I was at knife-point situation... but I just was so worried and so bloody angry with his respond. I begged you twice. The moment I lost my patient I just lost my attitude. I guess he was shocked then asked me to bring to him the file. I never did. What for when you do it when you're not at all satisfied either...the same similar situation when you saw me naked then you feel guilty and then you give me what I want.... how fucking pathetic?

I pantang few things in person. I hate it when I am ignored. I hate it when I don't get respond. I even hate it when I am asked to do something against my will and it was out of my control.

The Fuck! And I hate every single soul in the world who make me sad to the extend that I need to cry! I hate it when people saw me cry. 

Fuck!!! So fuck off!!! 

You're a good man. In fact a good mentor. But you just crossed my weakness today.

Sorrey...........