Today was a rushed out days. My bff bday falls on weekday and we could either celebrate a weekend earlier or later. She couldn’t make it for the latter thus, out of a sudden my laid back Sunday is filled with a rushed happy leisure. 

Fang came down again. The next time we will accommodate you love. Sorry to make you making the trips down always. My girls are making so much effort to keep a relationship rocking that would put any boy to shame. 

A simple purposeful gathering to cheer our Kheng up especially she fought & won a battle with dengue fever just recently. The three of us despite being luckily near, we made an unsound vow to go trips & celebrate days together. It used to be 5 of us. Maybe soon we will resume as 5. 

I truly believe friendship depth can’t be measured by years of knowing each other but grows along the number of years. Along the years I meet new people got pretty close to a few and eventually dump others that don’t worth my care. 

I saw an old friend past me by one morning while I was driving to work. I could recognize her instantly. Part of me wanted to call out to her excitedly but part of me hold back wanting to hide my face fearing she could see me. That respond startled me because I couldn’t tell if I was ashamed of myself or that I hate her that much. 

I cannot remember what had happened to us but it must be something I hate that she did to me or that a disappointment so great she caused that made me disowned her.

Bad memory or simply I choose to forget it because recalling it saddens me. 

One of my bff was being called names. She was accused of being self pride cuz of being overly self proclaiming due to low self esteem. She got upset & I know why. I see a lot of myself in her. We have similar attitude. Normally people who have similar attitudes don’t get along well. I have2 of such friends & we proved otherwise. 

Being dealt with such issue long time ago, having to discover these problem myself made me immune to critics. I like myself, I know myself & I show myself off once in awhile. I don’t see it as a problem. If you do, kindly shut up & walk away. I’m sorry my greatness caused you any discomfort. 

 

Many people have walked out from my pathway. Some happened to be my favourite people but they choose not to keep in touch. Some I regret knowing some I regret letting go. 

Since November last year, losing the love of my life made me realize nothing is forever. Nothing!

I don’t want be attached to anything that would cost me such grief by any chance or choice.

Then the stupid cat comes along. Arghhh…..I don’t know what to do with it. I’m feeding her daily. She makes annoying sound & stick to my feet all the times I walk out. I don’t hate her. I don’t wanna love her.  

I’m finding closure in a lot of things, in a lot of ways. But definitely not to replace a loss with a love. I dwell myself into work & it hasn’t been kind at all. I find bullies everywhere & I snapped pretty easily because I’ve been working so hard & I found it being misused & unappreciated. I am after all in demand & I’m not afraid to lose my job. I could go anywhere anytime with given experience & exposure. You piss me off again & I shall let you see what I am capable of. I’m waiting for just one opportunity. It came & you’re gone!

I need a life you life sucker!

I seriously need a break prior to anymore hell break lose. My work load is getting crazy & sales are good. 

I just don’t earn as much as I’m worth of. That’s very depressing & sad. Just too sad. 

 

I’m a woman with talent with no audience. A woman with capability but immobile, temporary.

A woman who is underpaid & unloved. I’m just very uneventful you see.

However, I should be grateful. I should be. But a lot more people should be more grateful for the extra time & freedom their parents could give them for them being healthy & independent & lovely towards each other that it provides you so much of free wills to do what you do best in your prime age. 

Yes you should be grateful!

I have a soft spot for people that I care. Thus limiting it allows me to be more selfish & be more kind to myself. I think I’m getting confused & draggy. It’s time to hit the sack. 

Rise super early in the day for the past 6 days & sleep late as always every night. 

Bad dreams every night. Few nights continuously dreams about dogs & one of the fine night, it was my dog. 

It was clear, so vivid. He was there laying, going to get excited cuz I began to lure him with bread I was eating. Reality hit in in my dream, a voice told me he was dead & I woke up sombre. 

It was bad. So very bad.

I used to share my food with him. Now I have to take it alone & it makes me fat. 

That's y. :'D

Anyway... I begin to enjoy driving alone exploring places while doing inspection & listening to the radio whole day. 

I hope I don't get use to this, worst still enjoy doing everything alone. 

Possibly not but I begin to doubt. 

More vacation planning soon.

National Park will come 1st & soon.

14 March 2014. The Avril Lavigne Tour

I didn't made the wrong choice.

I love Avril since the song Complicated first hit Malaysia MTV channel. That was 14 years ago.

Blessed you Astro! Back then, my English understanding was so bad, I didn't even know what was the meaning of the word complicated. But, I love her too much that I took effort to learn up the lyric how it was sang & then the meaning of the song. I continuously love her every hit. That was the age when technology was so expensive & having internet was a luxury. I can only keep up with celebrity updates through the cheapest magazine in town which was Galaxy. I would be thrilled when they featured her lyrics in the booklet. I will made sure that I repetitively practice her songs. That was my childhood routine. I no longer practice that thus, I can't easily recall current lyrics. But those songs that I have done, they were in my head always.

Glad. Why? Cuz when she sang her previous hits, I was all in. I didn't have time to memorize her set list, didn't even bother to check out the list. Don't need to. The concert was awesome from the start till the end. I have no critic over the whole show. Very good put together concert & our rock princess was flawless. 

She was so pretty, so solid as a live singer & talented. She produce her own songs if you don't already knew. 

The downside was the whole seating the organizer prepared. When my gal told me that she bought the party zone free seating lane, I was like...no way. Why would there be seating in her concert?

It turned out to be the worst thing they could ever done. Malaysian being Malaysian will definitely execute their uncivilized attitude by manipulating the usage of  necessities given by others. 

At least I dare to say this out loud cuz I hold my dignity pretty seriously. I didn't stand on any chair throughout the concert even though I couldn't see her most of the time even on the big screen. A morale I couldn't resist to keep dearly to myself. I was kind enough not to scold the asses at all cuz it was a party and nobody wanna have a fight there. I'm pretty sure they were cursed pretty badly and possibly fall slipping over banana skin the very next day. 

Shame on us. That taught me a lesson too. If I really love a performer & wanted to see them desperately I shall just buy nearer spot or risk being helplessly block due to my height n ppl's selfishness. 

I never hate my height so much until those freaking hours. 

It was a dance party. We were just dancing, jumping & screaming on top of our lungs with our pink hair. 

It was a happy day. It started at 845 & end at 1045. Slept over at Fang's apartment.

The next day to spend my Saturday worthy, we went to Matta fair @ PWTC. 1st time there, shamefully & for the fair as well, I managed to grab some booklet & successfully sign up a Citybank credit card with Fang. LOL

I wanted it for a long time. PBB card sucks. Yea, u heard me. It sucks! 

Next Monday 24/3 would be Bruno Mars's concert at SG. How I wish I could fly over to it. If I hadn't promise Fang on Avril, I would have secure my plan to SG. Sigh. ATM duty resume tomorrow. Hell week begin!

Tomorrow will be so suffocated. :( Especially when I had a freaking awesome weekend prior to that.

I can't help feeling nostalgic the whole day. Anyway, screw it. 

1.3.14 - 2.3.14

My will to blog died as sudden as I had the urge to do it. 

3rd time singing at cafe live with yet another girl singer. I knew this girl, a senior in my high school. Well, she can't recall me. Not that I desire of. Gee... Those few mandarin songs I practiced so hard over the weekend were in her list & she just took em away. Seriously!!

Nway, some high & low points. Same old problem, voice too soft. Bump into a group of people doing gathering so near to the PA system. They were so high, so noisy that it really effect the whole surrounding. 

Well fault wasn't on them. It's a cafe who serve gathering purpose. 

I wanna compliment on my guitarist who was my negative antidote who keep fighting with me & for me. 

If you don't have a gf now, I would perhaps consider you as candidate. It has been too long since I notice any guy who would give me motivation & do so much without any benefit. Not that I could offer anything anyway. With him around, I feel very much protected. When he strums his guitar, I got mesmerized as well. 

He's a good partner musically. Please don't give up on me. You know how much potential I have that you saw that you told me. I know those weren't lies. I promise to work very hard on my weakness. 

Don't even let me let go of it for the 2nd time. I'm committed. 

Funny how u label my voice as popiah. U always got a way to cheer me up. Soft on the outside, very fulfilling with lotsa quality inside :3 That made my night. 

Voice, no matter how much potential there is, if it wasn't able to channel to ears of the listeners, then what good is that? I learned this the hard way. Should have learned it well for so many years back. 

 **

Lousy lack of sleep in the morning, while groaning on the bed, mind flashed back to the good old days when I was playing with my dog. I woke up immediately. Just hated my bloody fool memory box. I hate it. I really hated it. I gotta readjust my focus. Today was my K date with dear Fang. We promised to sing our lungs out in Green Box preparation for Avril Lavigne's concert. March 14. I didn't choose Avril over Bruno Mars which will be scheduled on 21st March at SG. I choose my Fang over Bruno. Huhu... Y u no come Mas?

Then at night had an argument with my mother. Seriously. Getting blame again? I know I have attitude problem lately but I don't snap for the wrong reason. U always have a way to blame & then keep talking shits. I already bear enough of you for the past 10 years cuz of my dog. The day he died is the day I had enough of you. 

Everyone says that I have changed. High school fwen says that I have changed. Pre U fwen says that I have changed.

My mother says that I have changed. What is wrong with it?

Those were the time I was childish, playful, talkative & HAPPY. 

Now I'm mature, somber & angry piece of dynamite. Got problem?

Those problems I faced back in those years weren't problem now cuz I could settled em with all the wrong decision I made for the right reason. I sacrifice my whole life doing what best for others & what's good as a whole. Why don't I get compliment for all the stupid things that I have done?

Why do you need to pick on me on all little fucking details that I didn't do for fucking peoples? 

Is this fair treat you told me? If I could cry infront of you or because of you, that's because I still love you. I don't wish you to take that for granted! Once I'm done with it it's over. For what I know of, those who hurt me don't get second chances. You have challenge my limit for all the extra chances. 

I'm sorry for my behavior. I will fix my wrongs but I don't see any effort you take for your wrongs. 

If your math is good, you might as well just suck all this bullshit in and ignore my attitude cuz u're making me calculate as well.

 **

*

Workload is piling up for no reason. Team member on leave, soon one will be on course, I myself will involve in another round of ATM duty. Fuck! Target! Fuck!

Be Gentle March.